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How much is too much? For moms who have kids and aren't with their child(ren)'s father.

My ex has been my ex for six years now. He is my daughter's sperm donor (I refuse to call him her "dad" because my husband is her dad). He was verbally and physically abusive when I was with him. He may or may not have changed since then. He's also a pathological liar (which I won't get into). He rarely pays child support, he wants nothing to do with her. However, he still emails me on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes I respond to them, sometimes I don't. I have told him before that he is not to email me unless it is concerning my daughter. Email is his only form of contact with me. How civil are you with your ex, and how much do you tolerate from him in terms of having a friendly relationship? I just feel like I've told him a million times, I cannot be friends with him. Even if I had interest in a friendship- my husband would not allow it because he knows that I went through with my ex.

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SAHMomOf3

Asked by SAHMomOf3 at 11:47 AM on Sep. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,874 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I speak to my oldest son's father, who only sees him 4 days a month, on pick up and drop off days. Other than that he does not call to check on him, does nothing else except see him those 4 days. We get along fine most of the time, but he doesn't dare call or contact me other than regarding our son. I made that clear 4 years ago that we would have NO relationship other than for our son. My SO see's that he sticks to it. Honestly he doesn't care enough to bug anyway.
    bjojola

    Answer by bjojola at 11:51 AM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • My ex and I are still best friends. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, which is why it didn't work out, but I still love him and he is still a great dad to our daugther. I talk to him every day, whether it is about our daughter or not.

    Of course, every situation is different, so I can't gauge how much contact you should or shouldn't have with him,

    Good luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 AM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • My oldests father decided to vanish 8 years ago. I have tried to find him but no luck... I remarried someone, and had 2 more, then abuse, etc, I made him leave, well the court made him leave. I said I would NEVER marry again, and then along came my wonderful Hubby, and I was head over heels.... Now I have 2 ex's but only deal with one, because the first one is no where to be found. My 2 youngest boys biodad is in their lives, the 1st and 3rd weekends of the month and alternating holidays... If it works for us. He doesn't have any set vivitation unless I say so, he gave up that right when he decided to be an A$$ during our seperation, and told me he was going to take them while we were all sleeping, etc etc ... The Judge told him he wasn't to step foot on our property, and that it will be up to me if and when he sees them. I agreed to the weekends he gets them, but if they change he has to deal with it. So there ya have it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • I am in the same position except...I reply to his emails with the following statement...
    "Any and all correspondences with this particular party must be within the strict adhereance to the law. All contact is to be about the child in common only. No personal information about the party or the parties other family members will be disclosed or discussed. Thank you for cooperating."
    4_28_bbboy

    Answer by 4_28_bbboy at 12:46 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • i would not respond if you are uncomfortable. my lawyer told me that in NO way and I required to speak to my daughters (sperm donor) about anything other than her. and emailing? that shows that he doesnt even want to speak to your child. but i would email back and say, "child" is doing great thanks, and for further emailing, etc if it has nothing to do with the child, i will not respond. my problem with mine is that i had several chances to get him out of the pic (abuse,rape,etc) and was too scared to at the time. and I am paying for it now.. which may be your case since you said he was abusive to you.. that doesnt mean you should have to me tormented. do whats necessary for the child (if child even knows who his is) but that is it. you dont have to relive your abuse,etc for any reason. he cant have that control over you anymore.. and if you stand up and do only what you need to for the child.. it will help you
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 1:01 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Side note* My daughter does NOT know my ex. He used to take her for a few hours at a time, but that stopped because he was lying to me about where he was taking her, taking her places without a carseat, not bringing her back on time, or bringing her back way too early. This was when she was just very little... probably 1 1/2 to 2 years old at the time. She remembers nothing about him, and I will keep it that way. He wanted her killed before she was ever born. To me, that is unforgivable when paired with the fact that he does nothing for her now.
    SAHMomOf3

    Comment by SAHMomOf3 (original poster) at 1:05 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • My daughter's contributing party (that what I call him) sees my daughter 5 to 6 times a year for a few hours on those times... He pays his support because it is garnished from his check. this year his tax check was garnished and he had the audacity to call and TELL me I had to give it back so that him and the girl he cheated on me with could get an apartment. I don't need the money at all and all of his support money goes in Hannah college fund, but because he demanded it like that he could suck it at that point. He knows not to talk to me and I won't talk to him. When he first left I put up with a lot of his crap because I wanted him to be in Hannah's life. i would pay his bills give him money to take the other woman out, etc. I was a dumb ass but I thought it would make him be a good dad to Hannah. Now, he can kiss my ass. His 525 a month is paying for her college one day, though he doesn't know it :)
    good luck mama
    BriHan06

    Answer by BriHan06 at 2:13 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • i am jealous! really you have the perfect opportunity to move on with your life without having to live your life worrying about him. if he has nothing to do with her whatsoever and doesnt try to see her and only emails you.. not about her at all... then dont reply. i wish my ex was like this. instead he uses my daughter to get to me, he does nothing for her and could care less about seeing her but he knows that if he just tried to talk to me or see me it wouldnt happen so he goes through her. he was even going to sign his rights away last oct, but this is his exact words of why he didnt ... thats what i wanted.. he couldn't care less about her bc he can have other children and actual love them but he wouldnt sign his rights away to piss me off.... his EXACT words. i hate that he keeps bugging you but honey you have the chance to move on. he isnt using his tie to her as a way to get to you. cut him out completely
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 2:14 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • My ex and I are good friends but we weren't always. Like you, our marriage was physically abusive and I divorced him after 4 years. We were a very angry couple and couldna 't carrying on a conversation without arguing. We had two children and even for their sake we couldn't get along. For us it was time and letting go of the past that made the difference. After about 10 years, I forgave him for the past because thats what it was the past and then we were able to go forward. Now we are friends who don't go a day without calling the other. My experience might seem strange but Im glad that it happened the way it did. After all he is the father of my children and it is in their best interest that we get along if possible. He has remarried and I am single. But in your case if he still has no interest in his daughter then why is he still emailing you? Kick him to the curb like he apparently has done his daughter
    dgall

    Answer by dgall at 4:46 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • He's not paying child support, but yet wants to communicate? You need to go to your state/county child support enforcement agency.
    Whether you consider him your daughter's "real" father or not is irrelevant. That man has a responsibilty to his biological child.
    It's not fair to your daughter, you, or your current husband who sounds like a jewel to help raise the little girls as though she were his.
    Not trying to sound like it's all about the money, it's responsibility, and he will be made to pay child support one way or another. At some point in time down the road, you will be so glad you did. Good luck! Oh, regarding the emails, set up a folder and send his
    emails there. You may need them as evidence some day. No need to reply to him though.

    Laurie3200

    Answer by Laurie3200 at 5:18 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

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