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Help,not sure what to do.

Been with my hubby for going on 14 years,we have 2 kids 11 &3.I work full time outside of the home and my husband has been out of work the past 3 years. We struggle constantly to keep up with our bills with only one income. My job is stressful and I would rather be home more with my kids but thats just not possible with only one income. My problem is not only having to support everyone but my husband thinks I am a horrible person basically, he says my "comments" and opinions are simalr to people he hates. He wont look me in the eyes,lies to me,barely says I love you, and refuses to have anymore children, and refuses to go to counseling also. After 3 years of trying to keep us a float alone, it is difficult not to nag him about finding work. I really dont believe in giving up on our marriage, but logically I dont understand why I would not. Any advise?? Thanks

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Sep. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • It takes two to make a marriage and it seems like he's not trying. Lay down the law with him. Don't be a door mat. Tell him he either starts trying or he's out the door.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 12:06 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Wxactly as above. Give him an ultimatum(did i spell that right???)
    tiger_tatted1

    Answer by tiger_tatted1 at 12:07 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • I know it's easy to say it but I agree......tell him he needs to contribute to the family and to the finances or he's out. It seems he is refusing to do a lot and you are accepting this and letting him get away with it. I'd tell him he needs to step up as a father, husband and a man or get leave.
    Mom2Jack04

    Answer by Mom2Jack04 at 12:09 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • yea i would give him the ultimatum of get to working or your get to stepping even if you don't plan on doing so. maybe a little separation wouldn't hurt. doesn't mean your giving up on the marriage but tell him how serious you are about him doing what a hubby should. for him to tell you that your not a good person after supporting him and all that you do. how dare he. also during that separation time get him to agree and attend counseling. you can't spend the rest of your life with him on this level and ever find happiness.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 12:10 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • He is probably depressed. The man is wired to think he has to be the bread winner and to support his family. The fact that he is not doing it and you are is probably causing resentment. He is probably feeling inadequate and so you are getting the anger.  My SO was out of work for 8 months but we were both open about the exact feelings and these are things he WAS feeling.  I was feeling jealous because he was doing what I wanted to do and I was doing what he wanted to do so he was angry with me. 

    bjojola

    Answer by bjojola at 12:11 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • It sounds like me except my hubby has been out of work since last March after 23 years of working for the same company. Mine goes out a few times a week trying to find work. May I ask,What did your hubby used to do? Does he help around the house? Mine cooks the dinner for him and the kids. I work 40 plus hours a week. Mine is an accountant. I laid down the rules to my hubby less then a week after being out of work. I told him what exactly I expect of him. Y do u make comments and y don't u keep your opinions to yourself?
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 12:14 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • message me we'll talk. We have alot in common.
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 12:15 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Thanks, everyone. I must say he is an excellent father, he has been taking care of our son at home since he was born 3 years ago, and Im very thankful for that, but now that our son is reaching preschool age, I feel he can no longer be an excuse. Depression is probably a major factor also and I know a job would help that alot. Ive already told him that if we dont increase our income in the next 6 months(our lease will be up),I am moving to a less expensive house with or without him! I really think if he found work alot of these things would get better,thanks again everyone.
    HottMamaof2

    Answer by HottMamaof2 at 12:18 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • There are two people in every relationship. If one has checked out then there isn't a relationship left. I understand in not wanting to give up on a marriage/relationship, but again if one person has given in then there's nothing left. If he lies to you then there's no trust left, and if you don't have trust then what is there to hold the relationship together? If he doesn't express his feelings, does he have any feelings left for you? There are a lot of things there that you've said that show me that he's already walked away emotionally from this. He's free riding in a household that he may not even want to be apart of. You can't force someone to change, you can't force them to work things out, because nothing is beneficial unless they genuinely want to. So you have to really sit back and look at this from a realistic standpoint .. If he's emotionally checked out, is there anything worth fighting for?
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 12:30 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • tell him that he doesnt live with mommy anymore (incase he forgot over the past few years) and its not your place to take care of him.. he needs to man up and help take care of his family
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 12:51 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

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