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2 Bumps

Okay how much say so is too much say so? Is this a bit too much control?

SO and I have recently began planning our future together (i.e. moving to a different state, joining our accounts, ttc, starting joint retirements, etc) Needless to say, we are making marriage/family preparations. Well last night we were discussing everything about how things should be to keep order in the house and such. i am a bit old fashioned and he is from a different culture so we are in agreeance that he is the head of the household, has the final say so when it comes to decisions, etc. We also agreed that I will stay home with our child until he/she goes to school, (Our daughter is 4 so she is already in school) but he agrees that I need to finish my degree so that after being a SAHM I have skills to enter my chosen field... Anyway, he decided I get $1000 a month in "mad money" as he calls it, which is my allowance/spending money for the month for whatever. The problem comes with the stipulation... (con.)

 
BriHan06

Asked by BriHan06 at 2:57 PM on Sep. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,166 Credits)
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Answers (22)
  • It sounds like your comfortable having him in control of a lot of parts of your life...like your shared decisions (parenting, bread winning, ect...) but you're concerned about him having control over you're personal decisions.

    IMO, there is a difference between being head of the household and being the boss of individual family members. I would guess that him asking for approval of your clothing is just an ego stroke. Really...do you plan on buying the kinds of clothing he wouldn't want you to wear? Also, will he always be with your when you're shopping? If not, he won't have as much control as he'd like to think.

    UpSheRises

    Answer by UpSheRises at 3:06 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Way too much for me! Being a couple is hard enough without one of you HAVING to be in charge all the time. If his say is final that is not a relationship it is a dictatorship.
    chefronswife

    Answer by chefronswife at 3:01 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • I think that's WAY too controlling and I would never agree to that kind of marriage. But that's just me. I would eventually lose myself and I speak from a similar experience.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 3:01 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • What??????? I wouldn't do it, sounds like he is wanting to control your life, and dangling 1,000 bucks in your face to take the bait. I would not agree to that. (BTW) I don't know him, but he sounds like if you get married you will not have a say in it anyway, and he is doing this agree to this agree to that thing for right now, but wait til after the wedding it might not be the same. I would think about if that was really I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

    sheloveearth

    Answer by sheloveearth at 3:03 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • The rule is I must always agree with what he says no questions asked and no arguing or debating. Also, I can use the mad money to buy what I want, but it is subject to his approval... His example was clothing... If he didn't like it or feels its inappropriate no. Any arguing is subject to having my mad money reduced, etc...

    I see kind of what he means but this seems like a bit much to me. What do you guys think?
    BriHan06

    Comment by BriHan06 (original poster) at 2:59 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • I've heard of submissive marriages and I get the general idea. It's not for me, but that's just me.
    From what I've heard though, the submissive wives are free to discuss any arrangements with their husbands. They CAN disagree, politely argue, etc. Their husbands have the final determination, but they are in fact free to state their positions. Your future husband sounds like an extreme, extreme version of that.
    I can't get behind submissive marriages- I am entirely too bull-headed and stunnorn. But I do get the idea and respect those who choose that life. But what you're describing sounds like the extremist version.
    emhain

    Answer by emhain at 3:02 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • WOW...I'd like the 1000.00 spending money! but none of the rules...my hubby and I do things together. I think it sounds more like you are his child than anything else. I couldn't do that.
    OBImomma

    Answer by OBImomma at 3:02 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • I would never be in a relationship in which I wasn't an equal partner. You will have no independence at all in this relationship, and he can cut your allowance at his whim if he doesn't agree to things you buy. Doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like a parent-child relationship.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 3:03 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Stunnorn is not a word. I realize this.
    I meant stubborn :)
    emhain

    Answer by emhain at 3:03 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • No way. That is not right, sorry. I agree with being on a budget and BOTH of you saying you have this much extra to spend but not with him making all the rules and saying what you can and cannot buy. And for him to reduce the amount, you are not a child that has to follow his rules. He sounds very controlling to me. I would consider dh and I also old fashioned. When it comes to decision making, he has the final say after we have fully discussed it. Honestly, there has never been a time when he has outright done what I ask not to be done or I do not agree with what he does after we talk it out. So we both really do make the decisions. A marriage a partnership. He is not treating you as a partner but more as an employee in my opinion.
    JamieLK

    Answer by JamieLK at 3:04 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

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