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2 Bumps

I have just aquired two teens can anyone help?

My husbands ex-wife died in April and his 4 children came to live with us. Ages 14-13-10-9. I have a daughter of my own that is 8, so I can relate to his 9 and 10 year old. The teens area a whole new ball of wax. I have a very strained relationship with both (boy and girl) and it doesn't help matters that their mother and I were NOT buddies. I have been miserable since April, does anyone out there relate?Any advice?
Please help!

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Kimberly1879

Asked by Kimberly1879 at 3:39 PM on Sep. 28, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (55 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • You are miserable since April. How do you think they feel?
    It is wonderful that you took them in and are giving them a home.
    They need to be in a safe environment. You all need to get help so that they can have this.
    What are the situations that are causing concern?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 3:43 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Oh wow. First off expect anger and frustration. They just lost there mom so it's going to be hard for all of them to adjust to a new home and having you as their mom now full time. All you can really do it be there and listen when they need you or need to vent. Be patient with them for a while but don't let them get away with things that aren't suppose to. I wish you the best of luck.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 3:45 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Yes, u just need to tell yourself that what these kids need islove, they are going through a tough time right now and u need to look away from what bad relationship u n their mother had, my dh just got full custody of his 15yr old daughter,her mother is bipolar& crazy , im 27 idnt think she sees me a a mother figure & i dnt expect her to, she gives hubby a hard time & that effects me as well i get headaches w/this little girl but im going to make the best out of it,
    gabby06

    Answer by gabby06 at 3:45 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is Wonderful. This is too much to take on by yourself. The kids need counseling and it may help you and your husband.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 3:48 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • First of all, this is very difficult for them too...they are still grieving the loss of their mother to at least, some degree. It will take time to develop a good relationship with them. Talk to them, encourage them to talk about their mother and their feelings, find out what types of things interest them...sports or whatever and try to keep them involved in those things. Don't try to become their friend..they have friends. I know this isnt' much help but I'm sure things will work themselves out over time and it will take time, love and patience.
    meriana

    Answer by meriana at 3:49 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • This does sound like a very tricky situation. Building a relationship with step-family members is not something that will happen over night, and teens are probably the toughest. I'm sure your step-children are hurting and you are overwhelmed. This is definitely a situation that might benefit from some outside guidance for all of you, including your husband and your daughter. I wish you the best.
    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 3:50 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • You are never going to have the mother relationship that you have with your daughter, they are too old.
    Don't do the lets be friends thing as that is a disaster too.
    I would sit down and talk to them both individually. Acknowledge their loss, your inexperience as a parent of teens and let them know that you are there to help them but also that there are certain rules everyone needs to follow to make the family work.
    Give it time and make sure that guidance is on offer if they want it. Also if they have Facebook keep an eye on what they are saying as it is a good way of seeing if they are coping or need more help.]
    Good luck I am sure you will be fine
    lovebdus

    Answer by lovebdus at 5:57 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • Try counseling....individual and family.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 6:38 PM on Sep. 28, 2010

  • check out step parenting with teens groups on CM, there may be a lot of support groups and areas for vent for you.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 12:46 AM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • "I have a daughter who is 8 so I can realte to the 9 & 10 yr olds." What? You weren't ever a teen? Don't blame this on being a teen. Blame this on having their lives turned upside down and get some couseling!
    LoveMyDog

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 6:54 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

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