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What do you do when you don't know who you are anymore?

I have been married to my husban for almost 2 years now and I feel like I don't know who I am. I used to be independent and outgoing and a very HAPPY, LOVING person who showed affection very easily. Now I'm grumpy and emotional and depend on him and don't do anything I want to do. I stay at home with our daughter which I have no complaints about, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go back to work and get a break husband doesn't want me going to work or anywhere without him. He gets mad if I go eat with his sister while he is at work. What do I do?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:47 PM on Oct. 22, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • It may be time for a VERY SERIOUS talk with your DH. He needs to know how you feel and that there is no relationship without trust.
    You need time to yourself away from everyone and time to be with your friends. Why is he so controlling? Was he like this before you married him?
    He married you, I am sure, b/c he was drawn to the person you were. You could remind him of that and that you feel that person he married is slipping away and you want her back.
    Getting to the root of why he is feeling the way he does is crucial to having him trust that if you leave the house, you will come back and all will be well. But you will come back a much happier person.
    Good Luck and let me know how you make out.

    Answer by plomboy at 12:54 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • He sounds like he is on the verge of being controlling, and your situation sounds very similar to what I am currently trying to fix.
    I finally said "F" it, and I went and got my hair done and started wearing makeup again. I told him that I am tired of not having a social life, and that I am going to start going out with the girls from work, and that he was more than welcome to join us if he would like. I have yet to go out, but I feel better having just told him under no uncertain circumstances that if I want to go, I will.


    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:55 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • Also, to help our relationship, I set up Saturday date night. Every Saturday we alternate whose turn it is to choose an activity for us to do, be it go out to dinner, stay at home and watch movies, go out to a movie, anything that we choose. This week will be our third week doing it and my turn to choose and we will be going bowling :) There are a couple rules though: You can not choose the same activity twice in a row (i.e. Last week was his turn and he opted to stay at home and watch movies. On his next turn, he can not choose the same thing again.)

    Good Luck!

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:55 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • oh, i said a couple rules and I only listed one. The second rule is, if you choose to stay at home, you have to have an activity to do at home. You still have to plan the night, for example, play board games or watch movies, etc. You can't just say "stay at home and do nothing".

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:57 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • I am a SAHM and I understand some of your struggles. My husband doesn't get mad if I go out, but its easy to get in a slump and loose "yourself" in Mommy mode. Some suggestions -- Join the local YMCA. It's very affordable compared to profit gyms. Around here they offer free daycare, you can go workout, get some time for you, take a Yoga class and socialize -- good for the mind and body. Other ideas -- look at your local community center or community college and sign up for evening classes, continuing education, explore a hobby (painting, photography, reading group, sculpture)... Have some things you do that grow and develop YOU as a person so you still feel like an individual. Volunteer work - Habitat for humanity, or something of that nature is also a great way to get out around other adults, have time for you and help the community. Good luck!!

    Answer by Serafyna at 1:03 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • I completely understand the concept of losing yourself. I'm there with ya! I decided to take a class and will continue to take classes to feel like i'm accomplishing somthing for me in life.

    Answer by Trinjo at 1:37 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • Been there. I know that feeling. You are probably so happy go lucky, pretty, like to joke around, hard working. Then here comes Prince Charming.Swept you away from being alone. Had a baby and now you are home alone with the baby. You love your child. But you feel like a doll in a glass house. There is more to life than being home all the time. Get out of your rut. Work out, go shopping, spend time with other adults. Don't be alone. I have never felt so so bored too. I don't like to be Martha Stewart. I like to work too. I gotcha, believe me it only gets worse if you let him control you. DOn't tell him every little detail and please don't whine that you are home.......

    Answer by jareda69 at 2:26 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • I think most of what you are feeling is pretty normal for a stay at home can get lonely! That is exactly why you NEED to go out and have lunch with a friend or family member once in a while. I found it disturbing that your husband gets mad and doesn't want you to do anything without him, even while he is at work. Is he "scary mad" when you go out with his sister, or is it more of a situation where he just doesn't understand that it is exactly what you need to do? If he is not overly controlling, then he might understand if you explain it all to him. If he is overly controlling and won't allow you to go out, then you have a big problem to deal with.


    Answer by BJoan at 2:40 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • i have the same problem but i work at my home. my hubby says i can go places but if its places were there will be men then he basically says i cant go w out him, such as to our casino bar to have a couple drinks. he used to work there so everyone knows him and me and i asked him why its ok for him to go to watch a game thats not aired on reg tv (but it is there) by himself but i cant go alone. i finally told him that if he can do it so can i. if hes mad tht you go anywhere then he has controlling and self esteem issues. nip it in the butt or your going to end up divorcing sooner then you think.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:41 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • read this book called 'created to be his help meet' i learned about it from someone on here, it helped me out a lot.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:17 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

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