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Dealing w/a Racist Family

My family is racist & they don't hide it. I hate it and refuse to subject my 4 year old DD to it. DH, DD, and I were visiting for a few days last week from out of state (we live in OH, they in SC) and they openly discussed their bigotry like it was something to be proud of even dropping the "N word" several times. I objected and complained and threatened to leave early...finally we did leave early after another "N word" bomb, but only by an hour or two.

I was told later by my father that they are the way they are and they are not going to change for anyone while in their home. I responded "Then when we visit again we'll stay in a hotel and they can come spend a day at the beach with us and have a nice dinner." So then I'm told that I'm disrespectful in believing that they should be anyone but themselves and that if I can't show them "total respect" they will not be in my presence.

What the heck am I supposed to do with this?


Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 2:59 PM on Sep. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Level 33 (59,731 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Sorry, but to me, somebody needs to DESERVE "total respect". Being racist assholes would NOT make me respect them either, and I certainly wouldn't want my child around that. So I think you're doing the right thing.... And I'm sorry your family can't see that. Maybe THEY need to respect YOU a little more...

    Answer by Anouck at 3:01 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • My whole family is like that. I AM NOT!! My son is exposed to it, but, OMG he will chew them out himself when they do it. So, as long as you teach her right, she won't pick it up. He was around the racist stuff, the cussing..the whole nine yards. And he was told recently that he can't hang out with his friend because the friend is gay and he will either turn gay or be thought of as gay and that we are not suppose befriend gays because god says it's wrong and we can be civil to them just not friends. LOL

    My son just shook his head and talked to his friend anyway.

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 3:11 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I don't subject my kids to it. If they can't respect your wishes what makes them think you should respect theirs. You are who you are and you DON'T tolderate it. So they should respect that! I am proud of you! Keep on doing what your doing IMO.

    Answer by bjojola at 3:02 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • Don't be in their presence.

    You took the right stance by compromising (although I'm not sure I would have been that thoughtful). they rejected that.

    While it is hard that your daughter may not see her grandparents, I think it is better that they don't have role models that are racists.


    Answer by inkedrunner at 3:02 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • i think you may have to choose weither it is more important to you that your dd see her grandparents or not have role models like that.

    Answer by jennifer588 at 3:06 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • Let me ask you this. Do YOU and your family not deserve 'total respect' as well? It doesn't matter who's f'in home you guys are in. You were their guests. And this is their granddaughter. Their blood is in her veins as well. They shouldn't be treating her that way. They may not like your DH, but they should show him respect as long as he is your DH, treats you and your daughter well. Blowing cig smoke in her face? You overlook that? You should be ashamed! I remember when I was young, my sisters ex-husbands would have my niece go and get them beer. It pissed me off to no end. I always swore I would never allow anyone to have my kids do that. And I don't. If we want an alcoholic drink, we can get off our own ass and get it ourselves.
    Family or not, you should never let anyone disrespect your kid like that. Besides, you are married with a child. THEY are your family, your primary family. The rest are extended family now.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 3:33 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I wouldn't make any effort to contact them anymore. If they want to contact you, let them do it. And I wouldn't go visit anymore. That is complete BS.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 3:34 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I'd say, wait until your DD is older, and explain to her that your family is the way they are. Unfortunately, some old dogs don't learn new tricks. My hubby's got a foul mouth, and talks like he's racist (He's not, but he was raised in a family that was.) I tell him to shut up in front of our son a lot because DS is only 3, and very impressionable. When he's older, he'll understand the difference between bigots and those who are open minded, and the benefits to being an open minded person. GL!

    Answer by BisketLiss at 3:46 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • Do I stand my ground and refuse to allow that kind of talk around my daughter (which obviously would mean no more seeing my parents) or do I overlook it (plus their blowing cigarette smoke in her face and cussing in front of her...which I already overlook) and hope to God she doesn't pick up their ways?

    Comment by AllAboutKeeley (original poster) at 3:00 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I know hobbitswife04, I'm a horrible person. I have overlooked too much with my family because I really wanted my daughter to know them. I try so hard to please everyone. I think this was finally the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.'s not technically and purposefully blown IN HER FACE, I said that yes, but it's more like they hold a cigarette while she is around or on their laps.

    Comment by AllAboutKeeley (original poster) at 4:13 PM on Sep. 29, 2010