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2 Bumps

How do you deal with your 17 year old daughter that wants to date a 22 year old grown man regardless of your not wanting her to because you feel that she is not ready to date him.

I adopted her when she was 13 months old and have been having problem with her since then. She is becoming increasingly defiant when I ask her to do something, she's always rolling her eyes and stomping up the stair. Recently in a discussion about this 22 year old grown man, she drew her fist as if she was going to hit me. I at that time asked her to leave my home. She is a senior in high school and I am becoming increasingly num as far as my feelings for her as my daughter. It hurts me to feel this was, but I don't know what to do at this point. My other adopted daughters states that I am wrong for asking her to leave, however I don't know what else to do. I don't know what she will do in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep. Please give me some advice. Thanks

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phyllis61

Asked by phyllis61 at 5:08 PM on Sep. 29, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • She's almost an adult so I don't see anything wrong with her dating a 22 year old. But if she's going to act childish the she isn't ready to date anyone. Lay down the law. You are still her parent. Ground her, if he comes over call the police for trespassing. Take her things away, She's acting this way because you are letting her get away with things. I think kicking her out is wrong. She is still going to school and kicking her out will only fuck up her life. If shes homeless I highly doubt she'll continue going to school.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 5:12 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • Stand your ground, but let her come home. Give her ground rules. If she isn't safe to be at home, you should consider helping her learn a lesson and spending some time at juvenile hall. You have such a short time left to influence her before she is an adult.
    tyheamma

    Answer by tyheamma at 5:13 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I feel that until you meet the man and find out for yourself if he's a decent person or not, then you shouldn't completely rule it out. Yes, make rules, set limits to when they can see each other, but telling her she's not allowed to see him will just make her want to do it more. I dated a 22 year old when I was 17; I'm still alive.
    SarahLeeMorgan

    Answer by SarahLeeMorgan at 5:13 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • You aren't going to like this, but there really isn't much you can do. At 17 it's highly unlikely they will do anything even if you reported it. Been there done that. She's almost 18 and 22 isn't that mature for a guy. You can't control her. I know you don't like it, but she is going to have to make her own mistakes and learn from them. She wants to be a grown up, treat her like one. Let her see it's not all fun and games.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 5:13 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • Is she making a mistake? Probably, but keep in mind that 17 year olds do not like to be told that they can not do something. My mom tried to stop my sister and my self from dating people she didn't approve of and it didn't work. She kicked me out of the house at 19 and my sister at 18 for dating people she didn't approve. We both wound up marrying those men. We are now both divorced from those men as well.
    I know it is hard to watch your child make a mistake, but sometimes it's just what you have to do.
    I would not tell her should cannot date him, that will just make it all the more appealing, but you CAN set limits. Set a curfew, limit time on weekends they can be together.
    Also, keep an open line of communication and better yet, befriend this young man. Make him feel welcome in your home and invite them to have dinner. This might give you an idea of how things are going.
    Good luck!
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 5:13 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • She was going to hit you!? You had every right to ask her to leave. I wouldve made her leave the room- like send her to hers, but not leave the house. She may run right into that man's arms! I was just talking to a 17 y/o girl today who is pregnant by her 21 y/o bf. Is that what your dau wants for her life? Can you guys get some family counseling? Is she at least on birth control? Can you run a background check on this guy? Maybe a "hint" that what he's doing w/ her is illegal! He could get arrested! (Depending on the laws in your state) Teens are a big pain in the butt, but you shouldnt give up on them- eventually they will come around! Good luck- hope this helps. :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:16 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • For one I don't know how you can get numb feelings for her even though she is being defiant. I don't think it is an adoption thing, I think that some kids go through these stages. I probably wouldn't have asked her to leave, has she been back since then? I would tell her that violence is not allowed in my house, and if I felt threatened then I would take further actions. Also, teenagers become defiant especially when there is something they want that the parent will not allow. How old is she exactly, I mean is she almost 18? If she is then you really are wasting your time, because as soon as she turns 18 she will be dating this guy anyway.

    sheloveearth

    Answer by sheloveearth at 5:17 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I hope that when my daughter is 17 I will trust her judgement. Either way it is still her choice, she will either date the man openly and honestly or she will do it behind your back.
    Mommy2Gabrielle

    Answer by Mommy2Gabrielle at 5:19 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • I don't think it's very responsible of you to want to give up on her just because you don't like who she wants to date. Do I think it's wrong for her to date at 22 year old, sure I do, but we all make choices in our lives and some of them are not the right choices. This choice, unfortunately, is not yours to make.
    mpeada

    Answer by mpeada at 5:21 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

  • My son is 22 and he could date a 17 year old and it not be a problem. If she dates a 19 year old he is a grown man. The person is more important than the age. If he has been in jail or has 5 kids by 5 different teens then thats different. It sounds like you and your daughter have serious problems. Maybe she feels like you have never been a mother to her. You call her the "adopted" daughter. You don't have feelings for her. If it's been this way her whole life she is going to have problems and may be looking for love anywhere she can find it. She needs to feel unconditional love from you and that she is your (real) daughter. The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen may help.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 5:31 PM on Sep. 29, 2010

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