Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

16 year old daughter has been lying to me

My 16 year old is sexually active. I have recently discovered this. I don't agree with the sex, but what hurts more is the lying. I know I am upset, but it seems like she is incapable of telling the truth at this point. She makes good grades, has a part time job, is pretty, is skinny, outgoing, etc. I know she is a good kid in every other way. But I am terrified that she is going to get pregnant and I am ready to order iron bars for the windows and go into grounded for the rest of your life mode. I feel like it is all my fault. I need advice.

Answer Question
 
aggiesmomx2

Asked by aggiesmomx2 at 9:29 AM on Oct. 23, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • It's not your fault. Get her on Birth Control because even though parents dread this and want to stop it they really can't. She will find ways. Just be the best you can and teach her to use condoms and B.C.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 AM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • be sure she knows facts. 1 in every 4 teenage girls who are sexually active has an std (tell her to think of 3 of her friends and that one of them has one), not to use a condom that has been sitting in a guy's wallet, always use two methods of protection, take her in for a pap and make sure she gets one every 6 months. not to use the condoms anyone hands out for free. they're free for a reason. the military gets the same ones, 90% of them rip. talk to her about your experiences when you started having sex. it'll be uncomfortable but she needs someone to relate to her. the best thing my mom ever did was tell me the truth about her past. google stats on teen sex and leave a copy on her bed. tell her that you love her and want her to know what she's into. try to stay calm. she will come around and start talking back so be ready to LISTEN and not judge, but you have to be open and completely honest with her first.
    mish_lauren

    Answer by mish_lauren at 9:57 AM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • I was a teen mother and my children are now 17 and 18, (Boys thank goodness) I think what would have changed my world and might make a difference in your daughter's life and choices is openness and education. What I have learned in this rollercoaster called Parenthood is that they are going to do it whether you like it or not. My advice would be to sit down with her and let her ask you anything she needs to know, with a strong emphasis on safety and education. Show her some videos on teen moms and the hardships and struggles that come along with playing the game. Sometimes when the Taboo of sex is taken out of the equation and it's no longer the dirty little secret anymore, it loses it's mystique. At least you know she will be getting proper information from you as opposed to half truths from friends who are just as much in the dark as she is. Good Luck.

    snook1973

    Answer by snook1973 at 9:59 AM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • I have to say that kids with do what they are going to do. I have always been very open with my children about sex, alcohol, drugs and peer pressure from the begining. I have directed conversations to be open, let them know that home is where thoughts and ideas about what is going on out in the world can be voiced in an open discussion and it is safe to state their personal concerns beliefs with out reprocutions even if I do not believe in what they believe. Give your DD a safe place for you and her to talk, and listen. If you do not agree, agree to disagree but give your DD support to protect herself. My mom and I have agreed to disagree in many areas of life, but she is my best friend and allie even if she does not agree with me. I do that for mine now and yes I hear things I do not want to hear, but at least I know and can help them when they really need it.
    blackcat66

    Answer by blackcat66 at 11:47 AM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • Girl, at this point, you need to be getting her on birth control. I understand where you are coming from and it is not your fault. But that's not the issue right now... Keeping her from having a pregnancy is. Get her into see the Dr. ASAP! Also remember, you are still the parent, if you are supporting her, she has no right to privacy under your roof... They have to earn that. Take control girl!
    pupmom

    Answer by pupmom at 11:54 AM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • I think that maybe the reason why she did not tell you about this is because of exactly how you reacted to it. If she is a good kid and she gets good grades you have to trust that she is taking care of herself.

    I would say that instead of grounding her and all that you need to talk to her. You need to let her know that you are here for her and that if she ever wants to talk she can come to you. If you start with the grounding and iron bars you are only going to push her away more.

    I would tell her how you feel and what your fears are. I am very open with my children and this is how I put things. "I would prefer that you wait to have sex until you are older. If you decided that waiting is not for you then you need to make sure that you are protected. Also make sure you come to me with any questions"

    It is never easy, you are a goof parent and it is not all your fault. Good Luck
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 1:51 PM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • I think this is normal, the way you feel. I remember being 16 and I was active as well and didn't tell my mom the truth. In my case it was b/c I didn't want to let her down or hurt her. I am very close to my mother. In a way I think that maybe your daughter is scared of hurting you more than anything. You should sit her down and have a one on one talk, suggest going to lunch with her.
    Let her know that she can tell you anything and you will not get upset with her, no matter what it is.
    (including the sex) Once I knew I could talk to my mom we had an open relationship again.
    You may want to get her on birth control as well, that is something you must do as a mother.
    Be her friend though. Sometimes a daughter wants her mom as a friend, afterall she knows you know her better more than anyone.
    Traci1993

    Answer by Traci1993 at 2:10 PM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • Thank you all!
    aggiesmomx2

    Answer by aggiesmomx2 at 2:49 PM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • Just get her on birth control. No biggie. And what does skinny have to do with being a good kid?
    MarlyeGirl

    Answer by MarlyeGirl at 3:10 PM on Oct. 23, 2008

  • I'll pray for you to have wisdom. Think about reading with her "Sex has a price tag" book.
    JCRestoredme

    Answer by JCRestoredme at 8:05 PM on Oct. 23, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.