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My mother is emotionally unavailable.

I am looking for a good resource to help me heal from my mother's distance and passive aggressive emotional abuse that has occurred throughout my life. Now that I am 36 it effects me more than ever. I need to heal. Besides direct psychotherapy can anyone offer a website a book I can read join to help me heal from this painful relationship. I haven't talked to her in nearly three months. I called and sent her an email. She replied to the email like a friend/coworker but didn't call. It is beyond painful especially now that I have my own children. I need to get over this for once and for all.

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Asked by PatricksMama07 at 12:48 PM on Sep. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Level 6 (146 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I know you said "besides direct psychotherapy" but I would seriously consider talking to a counselor. I have similiar issues with my mother, just not as extreme as your case, and I get a lot of help and understanding from my counselor. And I see her thru Catholic Charities. Pay is based on earnings, so my hour long sessions are only $6 each.

    I started seeing her when I had a Home Invasion and we also discuss my anger management and my issues with my mother.

    Answer by Mom2Jack04 at 12:57 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • I do know how it is to have a mom like that and I can't think of any books but you could just just go to Amazon or another online book store and do some research.

    Answer by togo90210 at 12:58 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • not directly related but maybe helpful

    have you ever tried yoga and/or meditation?

    if you find some good self help books-great, but also a calm and peaceful mind to be able to take in advice from book and calm your spirit and soul

    good health to you


    Answer by fiatpax at 1:02 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • Honestly, you need closer from your mother. You can read all the books or go to all the coping classes you want. But once you learn how to express all your sorrow and anger and how your mother has always made you feel, you need to say it or write it to your mom. Then hopefully you will find out how your mom really feels. And this doesn't mean everything will mend, it doesn't even mean your mom will be less emotionally void. It means you get to take this heavy burden off your chest for once and express it, either ending your painful relationship once and for all or seeing the light of hope if your mom is willing to change or at least see a therapist. Everyone needs expression and closer, not books and websites.

    Answer by GeminiMommy6116 at 1:04 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • I can't direct you anywhere except to say that I sympathize with you.

    I have been estranged from my parents since I was 17. I'm 40 now. Granted, I brought a lot of this on myself because I was addicted to heroin, an alcoholic and a lesbian (not that should be a reason, but with my very Catholic parents it was).

    For years I tried to figure out how to resolve this conflict. For the past 14 years, I've been clean, sober, got a degree, hold a good job, make more than my parents ever did and more than my siblings do. I'm in good physical shape and good mental shape.

    While I have tried to reconcile with my parents, they still see me as the drugged out queer that embarrassed them for years. I have come to the realization that I have done what I can in regards to this relationship and have moved on from blaming and trying.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this but you can only do so much.

    Answer by inkedrunner at 1:23 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • Oh, I am so sorry for you. My Mother has many of her own problems & is unavailable to me as well. She was bi-polar & ended up throwing her life away on alcohol and drugs about the time my children were born. I tried to help.I feel more sorry for her than anything, but I still cannot have any sort of relationship with her because it is too painful and that's OK. I met with a counselor who helped me sort through my feelings & validate them. I have much sadness about the past, but have accepted that I cannot fix or change things or take care of her. I'm sometimes afraid of not being a good mom, & don't really have reference of how to mother my children. I make sure I am there for them, tell them what great people they are & offer support and guidance, something I didn't have. I think you would benefit from talking with someone. Check with your town's Human Services Dept. as they have counseling on a sliding scale based on income.

    Answer by dflygirl7 at 1:24 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • I haven't talk to my Mom in 4 Years b/c of alot of the same reasons you said- Trust Me, i know how hard it can be to " Let It Go " but, unless you are willing to talk to a counsler it is going to be one of your Biggest Challenges Ever- Don't try to do this alone! Wishing you lots of luck-

    Answer by daisyb at 4:13 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • I don't have kids (I'm 42), but was directed to this site because my mother is totally emotionally unavailable. My sister has kids, and my mom just has no interest in connecting with me AT ALL. She lives in another state, and we haven't talked in years. The whole 'unconditional love' think is something my mother never learned. I'm just curious is anyone knows of an online support group for adult children, dealing with a loss of a parent, that is STILL alive. thanks

    Answer by heatherbarb at 11:23 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

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