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4 Bumps

marriage trouble...

I need some advice ladies - am I just over sensative or do I have a point to stand on?

Recently my "bff" for lack of better words, has made some decisions that I do not particularly agree with. I have given her my opinion and she knows she's made a mistake, but regardless of her lifestyle decisions, I still love her dearly and support her no matter what. She has recently moved out with her 9 year old and 2 1/2 year old and is going through a nasty divorce. While her actions are the main reason for the divorce, what drove her to stray is her husbands lack of interest, lack of support and aggresivness towards her and her 9 year old son (from a different father).

the problem I am facing is in my OWN marriage. it seems my husband has decided to take her actions and hold them against me, treating me as if I was the one that made these decisions. He says I'm just as bad because I "support it". It does no matter what I sa

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Raindrp999

Asked by Raindrp999 at 7:28 PM on Sep. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Level 5 (76 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I don't know that I have much advise but I would tell your husband to grow up.
    You can be friends with people even though you don't agree with their actions. I am sure that he has friends that do things he doesn't approve of but he is still friends with them.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:34 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • those were pretty much my words exactly during our last fight "oh grow up!" and "your friends aren't all saints!" still it escelated and he proceeded to continue to call her horrible mean names and go off on how much he hates her.... putting me right in the middle, making me feel like he's talking to me that way! ugh - just don't know where to go from here! thanks
    Raindrp999

    Comment by Raindrp999 (original poster) at 7:36 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • If you are supporting her I could see his standpoint. There is no reason no matter what to stray from the marriage. She could choose to separate herself from him but it is beyond wrong to use his actions as an excuse. If I had a friend that did that no matter how close I would separate myself from them for a period until they got their life back together and on the right track. Maybe that make me a bad friend but my marriage comes first.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 7:39 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • I agree with Jademom07....All of us are people and all of us have different point of view. Being friends with someone, in my mind, doesn't necessary mean that you agree with him or her all the time. Friends do support friends.
    Svetlana98usa

    Answer by Svetlana98usa at 7:39 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • "he proceeded to continue to call her horrible mean names and go off on how much he hates her.... "

    Then just tell him that he at least needs to respect you. He doesn't have to be her friend or socialize with her but out of RESPECT for you, he should be nice when she is around. I am sure that he has friends that you don't particularly like but out of RESPECT for him, you keep your mean thoughts to yourself and are courteous to them.
    He should offer you the same courtesy!
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:46 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • she knows I do not agree with what she did, and she knows I think she did wrong. That is as far as I am willing to take it with her though, beyond that, she is still my friend and I love her and will be there for her. I cannot walk away just becuase she chose to do something I would not do. That does not mean I am "supporting" her decisions... I support her as a person, and her family, I do not support her decisions. I am not willing to throw away the friendship just because my husband doesn't agree either. I can think of 2 at the most of his friends that have not cheated... so why is it ok for him to stay friends with the rest?
    Raindrp999

    Comment by Raindrp999 (original poster) at 7:48 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • This situation is similar to mine - although my ex accused me of cheating on him. Turns out - I moved out and 2 wks after this his 1st ex wife told me he was with another girl and he served me with divorce papers. 5 months after our divorce was finalized, he was remarried. So - who was the cheater??

    I had a total lack of support and interest. And he (and his family) treated my daughter like an outsider - even though we were together for 9 years. After awhile it gets old....and it hurts.
    Nikobaby2010

    Answer by Nikobaby2010 at 7:49 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • You really should not "support" someone no matter what they do. When someone does something that is really wrong that person should own it and change it so that you can continue to have the same closeness. When a person fails to do that, you need to take a step back and let them sort out their own life on their own. Your husband should not have called you names, but I can see why he's upset with you. You shouldn't support bad behavior because it is like saying it's OK. Your words should  line up with your actions. Maybe your DH is doing what you're doing so he seems like a hypocrite by calling you out. that's messed up, but two wrongs don't make a right.

    SylviaNCali

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 8:02 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • We all make bad choices and I would tell your husband
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 8:17 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

  • well - after she told me we didn't speak for 2 weeks. I am not "supporting" her decisions - she knows I disagree. But are you seriously telling me you would walk away from a friendship, one that has been there for you through thick and thin, beyond the years of you and your husband, because she made 1 bad decision? You must not have many friends... everyone makes mistakes and if you can't forgive (i didn't say forget....) then you must have something internally you can't forgive yourself for.
    Raindrp999

    Comment by Raindrp999 (original poster) at 8:19 PM on Sep. 30, 2010

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