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I have fraternal twin boys who will be 3 in November. They have always loved playing together, but for some reason, they suddenly fight all the time. But just with each other. Not with their older brother or younger sister. They still listen and obey, and pick up after themselves. The only thing that has changed is that they can't seem to get along at all, ever. Any ideas or advice?

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Asked by piscesmommy123 at 5:01 PM on Oct. 1, 2010 in Toddlers (1-2)

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Answers (6)

    Answer by cassie_m at 5:24 PM on Oct. 1, 2010

  • My twins only fight with each other. It gets easier. Minimize what they can fight about. Or remove the one who is being aggressive and give a timeout.

    Answer by martinmommy26 at 6:57 PM on Oct. 1, 2010

  • I've worried about that with my twins. They are 14 mos. They already have hit and bite each other! I've been trying to promote good habits between them but my actions. We work hard on sharing because that seems to cause the most issues. When they share I make a big deal about it and say "good girl". I try to caught good behavior and praise. It really works. Its funny when they start to fight over something, they look at me and that's all it takes sometimes to stop them. I hope it lasts. Maybe try some positive reinforcement?

    Answer by bjane01 at 7:41 PM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • I can see why you are perplexed at the change in their behavior & relationship. And that it's just involving them. Puzzling! But things change with kids, so dealing with "what is" probably is your best bet (and only choice! lol), as you are. I try to let my twins (boys, 26 months) work out their differences on their own, but I try to be proactive as well, since they are only two and their skills can be rudimentary. But what I mean by "working it out themselves" is that I am mindful that I don't want to be the referee, that it IS their relationship and I treasure it, and that I don't see a right or wrong person (or side) in their conflicts. I want them to feel that from me (and see themselves so), that I recognize the good desires and needs and intentions that inspire their actions, even the problematic ones. Their actions and behaviors are strategies to get their needs met. So that's my desired approach/internal attitude.

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:57 AM on Oct. 6, 2010

  • sorry to continue...So anyway, I try to have that attitude in mind when I am looking at them and what they do (whether it's something they're doing to each other or something that is specifically bugging me or hurting me, etc. Basically, any time I am feeling the need to intervene or to limit them in some way, or any time there's a conflict between what we want--like with transitions or getting into carseats, etc.) I want to see the very good wishes and desires behind whatever behavior is frustrating me. So I approach their conflicts, and their problematic behaviors (biting, hair-pulling, scratching or pinching seem to be the prime things for my guys), with the understanding that they really just need help. They want something good (the interesting toy, the boots one twin just put on, etc.) and their strategy to get it is just that, a STRATEGY, a need for help. So I encourage them to ask each other for that help (like a

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:01 AM on Oct. 6, 2010

  • ...turn playing with the thing) or to ask me for help (such as help finding another cool toy that could be fun for them the way the other twin's toy looks so fun. Or negotiating a turn.) I really try to view their fighting and the aggression (biting, etc.) that rattles me as just a sort of "tragic" way of needing help....they really just want to have fun and there's nothing wrong with that. Somebody is getting hurt and that's never okay, but if I can see the need underlying the behavior I can affirm what is absolutely right about that (aggressive) child's soul and intent, rather than reacting to something "bad" or unacceptable about them, or feeling worried or anxious about what is going wrong/wishing they'd just stop. I think it's really helpful to be together with them in my feelings. I also work with the one who's getting bitten/attacked, both to be clear (to his twin) about his experience and to ask for help. hth

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:15 AM on Oct. 6, 2010

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