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I didn't teach my child that!

Lately I've had to listen to mom's hurting because their children are calling them up saying, "You were never a good mother. You were never there for me." Then they call the next day and ask for money. What's up with that? I know I didn't teach my child to act that way. But these children that are adults between 20 - 40 ish are acting like we own them whatever they want. If we question them, they stop talking to us because we are in their business. They don't care that we have bills to pay, they only care that they don't have the money to buy that Name brand Cell phone for 300+ dollars! Am I the only one going through this? What can I do to stop it without loosing out on having a relationship with the grandchildren? Thats one of their biggest holds over us. Give or else no grandbaby visits. What are you doing about it? R we going to let them get away with this?

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Prayerpartner

Asked by Prayerpartner at 2:31 AM on Oct. 2, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (15)
  • You should tell your kids that you love them, and you have full confidence in them and in their ability to do exactly what you raised them to do - be self sufficient adults, able to handle their financial responsibilities. Assure them that you love them, and that you wish you could give them huge amounts of money, but unfortunately, you don't have the money to spare. (Or, if they bring up that you have this or that, how you could give them the money, let them know that you are saving that, so that YOU won't end up a burden on THEM in your old age...)

    Give them the help that you can and that you want to, but don't be bullied into more than that. Yes, you want a relationship with the grandkids. If they deny you from having one, then, honestly, I think I would be tempted to say something like "I'm sorry you feel the need to pimp your child's time out for the cost of a cell phone bill..."

    good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:42 AM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • I can't imagine how long it would take to stop laughing and get up off the floor. My kids have been introduced to the phrase 'continuity editor'... If you want to deliver a message one day that drastically undermines the next one, well... expect to be laughed at. It's like seeing the glass half empty, half full, a different colour and then missing completely in one continuous scene in a movie. After a while, all you can see is the changing 'reality.'

    I think you need to know, first and foremost, that you (or the moms you're listening to...whoever this story is about) that you've trained this behavior. Not on purpose, because I don't think anyone's that stupid, but accidentally. Step by step, instance by instance, you have taught them that threats, bribery, coercion, punishment, and complaints work. Now they are masters, and you find yourself being bribed, threated, coerced, punished and complained at.

    Oops.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 2:47 AM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • cont

    I have to say though, I do agree with the pp, this most likely isn't a newly learned behavior. It might not be something that you or whoever it is being told this intentionally taught their kids, but it is something that was taught to them as they were growing up. If they were allowed to act like entitled little brats, always getting what they want, when they want it, or allowed to get away with the guilt trip, temper tantrums, etc, then this is what they were taught, and what they had re-enforced as appropriate and allowed behavior.

    The longer it's allowed and fed into, the longer it's going to happen, and the harder it will be to stop it. It would have been better to nip this when they were kids / teens, but since it wasn't, I would nip it now.

    Good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:46 AM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • My SIL is spoiling our GR-Son so much he's somewhat of a brat, NO somehow has been lost in his vocabulary. My S/O said to me one day, " He's what HE CREATED."
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 1:59 PM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • My daughter is like that and I am simply over it! What a spoiled kid I have & I am ashamed & angry. I did spoil her a bit, but that is over now & she KNOWS it. BUT, she still tries to get stuff out of me. When you find out how to deal with it then will you let me know????
    NicolesMommy

    Answer by NicolesMommy at 11:38 PM on Oct. 2, 2010

  • I dont know...mine had to have jobs as soon as they were old enough in order to get things like phones and cars. They are 23 and 25 and I have yet to ever pay for a cell phone for them or a car, etc. If they wanted it, they paid for it. We didnt play the "so and so has one so I need one" game.
    They have been known to borrow money only because they were short...but paid it back immediately when they got paid.
    auntietotty

    Answer by auntietotty at 1:46 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • My parents would gang up on me and KICK MY ASS if I ever pulled that disrespectful shit on them. They raised my sisters and I right and owe us NOTHING. As we all get older it's more of US owing THEM and they take all they can get with visits with their grandkids and lots of love and respect from us all.

    Welcome to the "me" generation. Time to put a stop to those calls with a nice little piece of technology called "call block". Assholes. They don't deserve nice parents like you.
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 4:07 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • Because too many people allow it. Remember when your child said "well everyone elses mother is letting them"/ Well I was a mean mommy and thank goodness our kids have never said such a thing but there are alot of people who feed them this garbage.

    If my kid called one day and told me I was a bad mom and then called the next day asking for money I'd tell him bad mommies don't give money to bad and rude children and until they could speak to me like polite adults (and after an apology) I could live without them and their bull crap.

    No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.
    DisabledVet

    Answer by DisabledVet at 4:43 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • OMG....I can't believe what I am reading here!!! Kids breaking into their mother's home and stealing? Saying "Give me money or you don't see the grandkids" ! Holy cow.
    I guess we can see the results of babying kids and never being their parents,but trying to be their friends and not using the word "NO" often enough. My kids knew we were the bosses. They knew thay had to work for what they got. They knew they needed a college education in order to take care of themsleves and avoid having to ask Mommy and Daddy for money. And they certainly would nevr STEAL OMG....
    gertie41

    Answer by gertie41 at 10:58 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • My sons are 18, 20, 22 and 24 and none of this has happened. My sons started working in high school and paid for their own wants from then on. My 18yo is in college and he took out a loan for tutition, books AND expenses. He paid for his car insurance and cell phone bill 6 mos. in advance and het gets an allowance put from our savings account in to his checking account every 2 weeks for gas, laundry and incidentals. My 24yo is newly home (just a week) after 5 years in the Army. He's recenlty separated from a woman who sucked their bank account dry and he doesn't have 2 pennies to rub together. We don't mind helping him out right now and he's taking care of the things he needs to so that he can move out in the next few weeks and get back on track. Before he got out of the Army we had a few times where we loaned him $25 but he paid us back as soon as he got paid. My sons don't expect hand outs.
    tracylynnr67

    Answer by tracylynnr67 at 3:20 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

Answers / Parenting / Adult Children (18+)

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