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17 Bumps

What would you do if your DH never wanted to have sex? adult content

DH and I have been together for 15 years and married for 10. We have had a pretty good marriage but our sex life was never 'above average'. It's like he can have it or not. We did have issues previously and at the time we went almost 2 years of not having sex and said it was mental. We went to counseling, etc. and started back up and had an OK sex life for about a year. However I found that I was initiating the most and so I said to myself I'm not going to initiate the next time and see what happens and so we haven't had sex since and it will be a year next month. Meanwhile he hasn't tried to touch me, complained, or acted like he's noticed at all and I am going crazy. He swears that he's attracted to me and I don't have any signs of him cheating. It's like I'm married to the only guy that doesn't like or care if he ever has sex. He is 41 but this goes back to when he was in his late 30's.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:05 AM on Oct. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (21)
  • Is there a chance he may be gay?
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:07 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I was going to say the same thing butterfly. I have lots of guy friends, and a couple of them were gay or at least bi- for whatever crazy reason they married a woman.

    Sure enough, it was only a matter of time before I'd hear that 'he has a low sex drive' or that he never wanted to have sex. Or one that you hear a lot, 'he threw up after sex'

    no matter what the reason, I saw that it's probably time to face reality that DH doesn't have much interest in having sex with you, so if you want a sex life you'll probably have to consider other options.
    chin up- you're not the first woman this has happened to.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 10:12 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I have been with my SO for ten years and he has not touched me for the last ten years he the soon to be X for that reason. He says he is attracted to me as well but I just don't see it anymore.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:16 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I would have him go get his testosterone level checked, that could very well be the problem, if not.....possibly what the other girls have mentioned could be true.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 10:22 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • Have you tried going back to counseling? I have no clue what I will do if I'm in that situation.
    sweetyazfl

    Answer by sweetyazfl at 10:24 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • Talk it over and go back to the techniques/suggestions you got through counseling. Good luck!
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 10:31 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • maybe he feels that he doesnt need sex in his life in order to make it complete. i know my husband has higher sex urges then i do, i guess he said i can go at least a month without sex. he questions if i even love him at times, but in my mind...its not about if i love him or not, i just dont feel that i need the sex in my life in order to make US happy. does he like to cuddle? does he like to have one on one talks with you? does he like to do things like dates, shopping, ect. with you? if all or any of those answers are yes, its not a sign he finds you ugly and unattractive...its a sign that he can lead a normal life but without sex.
    americansugar80

    Answer by americansugar80 at 10:49 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I had/had/having at times this situation before , but not as long as what your saying thats got to be torture. :( im not sure why this happens ? men are very secretive and keep alot of things from women ..soo im not sure i think after a man turn forty his sex drive goes way down. mine is 24 and his is going down ..i think its after you get used to someone you honestly dont care as much about things .. in this manner. but maybe you could lure him into it act sassy in bed and talk dirty to him ? go to a place that does makeup and get that done and hair maybe buy a new outfit that could help it might spice things up for a while ? idk but i wish you luck im 23 and im pretty new to this married and mommy life stuff.
    Luckyme3487

    Answer by Luckyme3487 at 10:51 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I like the testosterone comment!

    Have you thought about the possibility of him having diabetes or hypertension? or perhaps inflammatory bowel syndrome? Men with these conditions tend to have a low sex drive. It is not their fault it is the condition. Is he overweight? perhaps he has a low self esteem and does not like his body....and does love you.

    Have him go to the doctor (endocronologist, not therapist) and tell him/her what is happening.

    Or...he may be cheating. --> a possibility.

    Hope this helps!
    Ahealthyskin

    Answer by Ahealthyskin at 11:13 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • OP here - I didn't know how to answer anon so I had to set up a phony profile because I really want as many answers on this as possible.

    No, I don't believe he's gay at all.

    So would you stay in the marriage or leave? Other than this we have a pretty good life. Nice house, 2 kids, we get along, don't fight and argue. But no, there is no affection, no kisses, hugs, or cuddling at all. So it's not just the physical need or desire for sex, that's part of it too. During counseling we had a date night, but that faded off real fast, he said it was too much pressure for him to know that he had to take me out at a certain date and time. I do know he's stressed with work right now but I don't think it's fair that he stop having sex at all with me. I'm only 35 and if it were up to me, I'd be having sex a few times a week but with him I'd be happy for just once every 2 weeks. And even when we did, it wasn't even that often.
    CinnamonSmith

    Answer by CinnamonSmith at 11:27 AM on Oct. 3, 2010

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