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What do you do when you know that your stepchild is trying to cause problems between you and your husband?

She is now 18 and all of a sudden just drops in and stays a week or so at a time without asking or any notice and spends days not even acknowledging I live here but hubby doesn't understand the issue thus we are now at odds one with another.

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Asked by y0la40 at 7:55 PM on Oct. 3, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 4 (33 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • sit him down and tell him exactly what you think is going on and that you want to make this family work and you want everyone to be happy and have ask him to have a family meeting

    Answer by gottalovemal at 7:58 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • Don't let her stay. She's 18 and needs to learn some manners. Lay down the law - no arriving with out calling BOTH of you! You and your husband have got to sit down and talk and if he won't do it just the two of you - go to a marriage counselor.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:59 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • That is an awful situation & I feel real bad. BUT, this is your husband's kid so they feel that its not a problem. I don't think you should make an issue out of it. It would be very nice if she let you or her Dad know ahead of time, though. Ask your husband to tell his daughter to call before coming over

    Answer by NicolesMommy at 2:47 AM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • I can say for me it didn't end well with my ex. His dd was not well, I tried to help her everyway possible, and then some she started hanging out with the wrong crowd I'd try to tell her father but he didn't think she could do any wrong. My friends started seeing her around town doing things she shouldn't have I tried to tell her dad about it all, talk to him bt he couldn't deal with it all. We ended up braking up and he staRTED TO DO DRUGS WITH ONE OF HER FRIENDS MOMS, YA IT GOT WORSE BEFORE i GOT BETTER, HE WOULD EVEN COME TO MY NEW APPARTMENT AND HARRASS ME AFTERWARDS AND HIS DD WOULD STILL CAUSE PROBLEMS WITH US NOT LIVING TOGETHER . Sorry about the caps. She told her dad I was a stripper and he started banging on my door in the middle of the nights to see if I was home, (he was a dumb ass!) She actually helped me out, if I had stayed I wouldn't have the good life I have today. Life is crazy.

    Answer by Stefono at 8:57 AM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • My 14yo step son does this to me. When he was younger it was REALLY BAD. I mean he would completely ignore me, direct all questions to his dad and basically act as if I was not in the house or living there. I felt hurt and invisible. DH and I were arguing bc he said it wasn't happening or that I was sensitive. FINALLY... he started to notice. I cried and begged him... "Please understand how hard this is for me to say anything to you about your kids bc I know you will always side with them. Just TRY to pay attention and see how I would feel." It was everything. SS ignored me and both kids would always side with DH on everything. Any debate became 3 vs 1 bc they would always side with DH even if they didn't like his pick.

    Once he started paying attention he would force SS to say Hi to me and be respectful. It still happens, but at least DH is aware now and works to correct the behavior.

    Answer by Niki_sd at 2:31 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • IMO it should work like this.

    You express to DH what is going on. DH has to believe you and you two determine what will make the situation suitable for both of you. DH alone or you and DH tell SD how it is going to be.

    She is 18... where does she live when she is not at your house? Why is she not there the weeks she is at your house?

    For me, the coming and going is not an issue as much as her not acknowledging that you live there. If I were you, I would focus on this when you talk to DH. Be calm and be prepared to give specific examples. Guys are very solution oriented. You might even ask him to not do anything but observe for a while. My DH always has this "what do you want me to do?" helpless attitude. So I had to say "I don't know. What would you do if SS ignored someone else... didn't talk to them, say Hi/Bye and would acknowledge their exisitence". He got it... your DH can too.

    Answer by Niki_sd at 2:38 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • I'm thinking that you sound jealous. She IS his kid. She CAN visit. This doesn't sound like a problem to me. Sheesh.

    Answer by wenona_mandy at 4:08 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • To the above poster who said you are jealous- clearly they aren't a step parent.

    I believe this isnt so much about the visiting but about the disrepsect to you. You have to talk to your dh and make him see. Im sorry mama!

    Answer by maybaby22 at 7:38 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • I too am a stepmom. My stepson caused a lot of problems. I did all I could do to help him, to love him, to provide him with every opportunity at a decent, stable home. He rejects these things. You will be accused of being jealous, not loving her because she isn't your own, overly critical because she's not yours, or because you just want her to go away so you can have hubby all by yourself...etc., etc., etc. The solution? Bite your tongue and be very sweet. You married a man with baggage. Butting heads with her OR with him about her will Never, Never, Never make this better. You have to let it go. She will do as she does, he will handle it the way he handles it always. The only changeable parameter here is how you react. So don't. Accept it. Your life will be interrupted sometimes. Ride it out, then get back to normal when she's gone.

    Answer by fohtrae at 12:21 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • It sounds like you and your husband are having communication problems and you're blaming your stepdaughter. Shame on you.

    Answer by WomanWitty at 12:19 AM on Oct. 11, 2010

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