Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

6 Bumps

hurt feelings

my husband gets very angry when we argue.. and i do too but i know it takes alot to get it where my feelings arent hurt so i dont say things that would hurt his feelings.. he has said things like.. if you want to argue why dont you go back to your ex he seems like he is up for it. my ex abused me also and occassionally he has said things like i understand why he did you make me want to hit you. and he ALWAYS says i would be happier without you or how many last names will you have to go through until you learn? but he always says he loves me more than anything and he only says these things when we argue.. could they be true though. it makes it hard for me to believe he does since he is so hateful

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:03 PM on Oct. 3, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • My husband and I can get into some nasty arguments sometimes and say some pretty harsh things that we don't mean. But we also have a great marriage. I think sometimes we get really hurt and we start to let our mind go and come up with some things that we don't really mean. I know there are times when I blurt something out and then later think "why did I say that, that's not really what I felt" but it's too late it's already out there. My husband has also told me that he gets hurt too it just comes out in a different way than mine does. I cry and get sad and he gets mad and yells. it's just the difference between men and women
    DawnDietz777

    Answer by DawnDietz777 at 1:10 AM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • I can't imagine my husband ever saying anything so hateful, we have been married almost 12yrs. This is definitely mental/verbal abuse and he needs to learn how to communicate in a more acceptable manner. I would insist on marriage counselling.  If you let him treat/ talk to you this way you are telling him it's okay when it is not

    Lynette

    Answer by Lynette at 11:10 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I agree wtih Jademom07. My STBX would say things that showed me he had underlying resentments toward me, but only said them when we fought...and the things he said had NOTHING to do with the argument. I decided with his emotional and verbal abusive ways, my son and I had enough. You need to figure out if this kind of behavior is acceptable to you or if you feel you deserve to be treated this way. (Personally, I don't think you do.)
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 11:12 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • I am a firm believer that people are usually honest when they argue. The hurtful things that they say wouldn't come out if they hadn't already thought of them before the arguement.

    My XH used to always say things like that. He fought dirty. Always tried to make me feel like I was the one to blame even though the arguement started over something that he did. He was a manipulator.

    After 8 years, I had enough. I am worth more than that. YOU are worth more than that!
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:07 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • The lashing out is unhealthy, and being hateful like that is to put it plainly its verbal abuse. I suggest counseling and fast. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to argue and disagree.
    AugustMidge

    Answer by AugustMidge at 11:07 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • To a certain extent...I know that people use words that cut the deepest when they argue. It is for shock factor, a defense mechanism even. With that said...those are things that should NEVER be said to a person you love. No matter HOW angry you get. Do I think he really means them? I dont know but if you wont seek counseling or some other intervention...your relationship is doomed.
    jenellemarie

    Answer by jenellemarie at 11:47 PM on Oct. 3, 2010

  • Honestly that's when I would drop the fight and focus in on how it hurts to hear that stuff. Put him on the spot right then and if you have to leave the room if it seems like he is going to defened what he just said.
    whoreallycares

    Answer by whoreallycares at 3:34 AM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • There's a lot of good advice here. Have you tried sitting down and talking with him without fighting or arguing? I would try this. Let him know at the beginning of the conversation that the moment he raises his voice or says something derogatory toward or about you, you're walking away. The conversation can resume when he's able to talk like a respectful human being. This may take some time, but it's normally worth it in the end.
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 9:48 AM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • Dear I really hate to say this to you but I have to be honest...He is abusing you. Mentally. When you are not arguing and all is calm you need to address this with him. Let him know that it hurts you and it is a form of abuse. If he it true to his love for you then he will listen and consider what you are saying then at least try to correct it. If not then I pray you find peace of mind and strength to do what you feel in your heart is best for you. Be Blessed
    Cheveyo1

    Answer by Cheveyo1 at 12:55 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • I'm sorry but if my husband out right said now know why your ex hit you when you were an abusive relationship, he would be out that door faster then he could say I'm sorry. I was in an abusive relationship where I was smacked around for kicks and giggles. There is no excuse for a man to ever hit a woman. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't take this mental abuse anyone and kick his ass to the curb.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 4:06 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN