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3 Bumps

I cannot "bite the bullet" ... I am truly outcast

My hubby's family is very clannish. I thought I liked this, until we married. I was not part of the clan. Now, I've "forgiven" or worked through a lot of attacks and snottiness, unjustified assumptions about my intentions, but there is a cousin whose hubby verbally assaulted me - bad - in front of all of the the children - unrighteously - and never addressed my need to work it out with them. No apologies, not even recognition that it ever happened. Further their now 21 y.o. daughter when 19 molested my neice. Christmas is at their house this year. My hubby has been told by his father that I need to bite the bullet and "get over it" for family peace. I have not been back to their house since the verbal assault 3 1/2 years ago, and am as polite as only necessary at family events. I can't even STOMACHE the molester repeatedly showing up at my kids' b-day parties. Long story here, but I can't deal with these people! HELP?

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fohtrae

Asked by fohtrae at 10:04 PM on Oct. 4, 2010 in Relationships

Level 9 (328 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Sometimes some people need to be stripped from your life. My father has been everything but a father, and he verbally abused me so I decided I'm just better off without him in my life. I have forgiven him for my own sake because it takes a lot of energy to dislike someone so strongly. I have done so much better without his drama and ignorance. I believe if they are causing too much stress for prolonged periods of time then it is not worth the effort to make it work. I personally would politely decline their offer and offer up no excuses. Hubby's family has clearly disreguarded your feelings so I wouldn't worry about theirs either. Best of luck to you.
    Sonnyswife

    Answer by Sonnyswife at 10:09 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • Heres the question..how really badly do you want to enjoy Christmas with your kids this year? Way too much drama over there, if hubby wants to hang out with the molester and the nut jobs,,go and have fun. Stand your ground, for your kids, for you and for your Christmas. Do you really want your Christmas memories with your babies to be all about being miserable at the in-laws, who are pigs, or do you want peace and love and memories to cherish with your children? Draw a line in the sand, and tell dh's dad to bite his own bullet for once...idiot,,,lol,,sorry,,
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 10:10 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • Screw that! Excuse my phrasing but I sure and the hell wouldn't be BITING THE BULLET, they could kiss my big .... well you know! :P

    Everyone has flaws and dysfunction in their families we as SO tolerate it for the most part but to be expected to just brush something off and become all buddy buddy for FAMILY SAKE... nope wouldn't do it either. If I were to it would be because I was ready to.

    As for the CHILD MOLESTER, nope no where near my babies!!!
    AugustMidge

    Answer by AugustMidge at 10:15 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • tyvm My sentiments exactly. I have yet to have Christmas eve that I enjoy. I don't have family b/c my people are bad people. DH's family looked and seemed so loving and normal and were a huge attraction as part of the package! But, you know, there I went with my "stay-at-home-mom" ways, what with my "homeschooling" I am clearly saying that their kids are being raised wrongly...sorry, rant. But that is a lot of where this comes from. My kids have rules about how to behave - that is "uptight". I stay home with my kids - "lazy." I homeschool - "Oh, what are you saying? MY kids get a GREAT EDUCATION! Plus they can play with other kids, and that is what's good for them." I watch them closely - "do you think my kids are going to hurt yours?" I give my opinion if it is asked for, and it has been rare. And somehow, my very existence seems to be offensive. I don't care so much, but I feel bad DH loses his ppl and tradition
    fohtrae

    Comment by fohtrae (original poster) at 10:22 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • And as for the child molester, I actually pulled her aside last Christmas and told her stay away from my kids. I don't know how e1 else has figured this is ok, but it is NOT OK by me. My kids are off limits to you, I said. SHE STILL COMES TO THEIR BIRTHDAY PARTIES! TRIES TO ACT ALL SWEET TO ME, AND MY KIDS!! This is so crazy! My niece's PARENTS STILL hang out with these people, celebrate her birthday, let her babysit!! b/c she has new meds. HUH??!!

    ok, sorry. rant. long long list.
    fohtrae

    Comment by fohtrae (original poster) at 10:26 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • Sounds like it might be time to have your family christmas at your house with just your family.
    Kentuckygal511

    Answer by Kentuckygal511 at 10:34 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • i agree you need to distance yourself from the crazies :P how does DH feel about all this? would he be okay with you all skipping "big family christmas" or with just you and the kids sitting it out? i know my dh would not be okay with us skipping christmas eve with his family because it is a tradition but his family aren't even 1/2 as bad as your dh's :P (((HUGS))) just remember in the long run your kids are what's important, not pleasing anyone else!
    DreainCO

    Answer by DreainCO at 11:10 PM on Oct. 4, 2010

  • Oh my goodness...stay away from them!! They sound like the relatives from HELL! I am so sorry!
    gertie41

    Answer by gertie41 at 12:01 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • My DH's family is horrible. (I call them the brethren) They hate me, love his ex wife (who is beastly) - he is the only one in the family that has been divorced. For the first few years, I bit the bullet and went to Christmas and Easter at their house. It was miserable, I actually had to take valium to get through the day. I'd end up at home afterward and just cry. That's no way to live, or to experience holidays. I put my foot down, and told my DH that I was DONE with any gatherings with his family. He agreed, and doesn't push.

    Don't go. You have very valid reasons to not have these people in your life - you are better off without them.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:27 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • For starters, do NOT allow that cousin anywhere near your niece, if you can help it. Since they aren't going to do anything about the abuse (either of them), I would try and stay away from them. Is your husband at all supportive of you?
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 10:33 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

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