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13 Bumps

Should I interfere in an abusive relationship?

I have a good friend that just got married 6 or so months ago. Her husband said that he was a recovering alcoholic. The month before they got married, he went a huge binge and ended up in the hospital. Two weeks after they got married, he did it again and she left for a day. Then, last weekend, he "had a bad day at work" and came home early. She stopped by the house, saw that he had been drinking and asked to borrow the keys to his truck. He beat the crap out of her, gave her a concussion among other things, and she ended up in the hospital. He went to jail, with a 30 day thing where he can't see her. She bailed him out. She says she doesn't blame him for beating her, it was the alcohol that made him do it. But I don't think she is going to leave him. She has only told a few people, and has not told any of her family. She makes excuses for him. My question is, should I call her family to intervene?

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Asked by crystalhuskey at 9:41 AM on Oct. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,142 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • Cont'd: She has a 6 year old daughter that she has joint custody with, and her ex-husband does not know what happened. If he knew he would probably fight for sole custody. I told her this, but she avoided that topic. I'm really worried.

    Comment by crystalhuskey (original poster) at 9:42 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • I was in a similar situation. I called my friend's sister and told her about it (knowing that she would take it to her parents whom I didn't know very well.) I lost my friend, who was really mad that I "told" - but in the end she ended up leaving her abusive BF for good.

    Consider that you may lose the friendship, maybe for a short time, maybe forever. I did, and decided that as a friend I couldn't give her what she needed to get out of the relationship, she needed her family - that's why I did what I did.


    Answer by Scuba at 9:44 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • Just saw your continuation - with a young child involved, I would call her family.

    Answer by Scuba at 9:45 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • I don't think it's your businedd to make the call. My father was an aocoholic & was very absive when drinking. His life totally changed once he stopped. I did not blame his abuse on the alcohol though, it was HIS fault he was drinking. He knows how he gets. But, he totally changed once he stopped drinking, he is a good man now. It's not your business really. All you can do is be her friend & encourage her to get the help she needs. Encourage her to inform her family. If you start calling people, she might really resent you & it could ruin y'alls friendship and she might stay with him anyway, which would have made your actions pointless while you lost a friend in doing so. She needs support. She needs a friend, & she needs you to be there for her not to make decisions for her. You can do lots of things, but she is the one who needs to understand her own circumstances & do something about it, not you.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:46 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • I would call her family and I would tell her im doing it.

    Answer by martinmommy26 at 9:47 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • Being an alcoholic and being abusive are two different things. You can be an alcoholic without being abusive and be abusive without being an alcoholic. Sounds like she needs some serious counseling and to remove herself from this troubled marriage and troubled man.

    If you feel that a child is being put in harm's way and nothing is being done about it, than yes, I would intervene and let her family know.

    Answer by jacksmom3707 at 9:52 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • Yes, she is your friend, and this is her life. BUT - she has a responsibility to her child (to have her in a safe, non abusive home), and she's not doing that. Honestly, I think you need to decide if it's more important to have her not mad at you, or is it more important to make sure that child is in a safe environment? I think if it were me, I would tell her that as her friend, I love her, but that I'm concerned for her and her dd, and that if she isn't willing to tell her family what happened, then you're going to have to.

    Then follow through with it. Because I grew up with an alcoholic step parent who was abusive, and to this day, and while I've moved on, to this day, there's a part of me that still wishes that the adults who knew what was going on had had the courage to intervene, rather than leaving us in that situation because they didn't want to make waves or cause problems.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:53 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • I would call her family. In all honesty, you will probably lose the friendship, and she may or may not leave him. But, the truth is the child is unsafe. If you don't do anything, you are knowingly leaving that child in a bad situation. Could you live with yourself if something happened to your friend or that child because of this situation and you did nothing? The answer to that question should determine your answer.

    Answer by mommy11260 at 9:54 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • no it may cause more harm than good let them work it out

    Answer by tiredofthis60 at 9:55 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

  • cont

    Yes, I understand that it was your friend that he hurt, not the child - but that was this time. She did something that made him angry while he was drunk, and this is how he reacted. What happens if he's drinking and the dd is making too much noise, or being crabby, or acts up, or is playing around and knocks over his beer, or whatever? Is it going to be ok, "the alcohol made him do it" when / if he puts the little girl in the hospital next? And then the friend loses her child, and possibly gets arrested for having the kid in that situation! My mil knows a woman whose dd is in prison - she had a guy living with her who killed her dd - she lost her other kids and is in prison for felony child neglect. Is your friend wanting to risk that? Not to be mean, but are you, if you don't say something?

    I know it's hard, but you need to tell, for the dd's sake. Good luck!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:56 AM on Oct. 5, 2010

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