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How do you choose between your marriage and your 20 year old son? Step father to boy since the age of 4 but son has been in trouble and is doing drugs. Husband moved out 7 days ago and won't come home until the child is gone. I can't bring myself to kick him out. His behavior is terrible and he is disrespectful too but he is still my son.

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dazed713

Asked by dazed713 at 10:28 PM on Jul. 2, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (20)
  • HUN, are you enabling your child to behave that way. OR ARE YOU HELPING HIM. IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. AS YOU READ WHAT I AM WRITING YOU WILL SAY THAT YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING CAUSE IT IS EASIER. BUT FOR YOUR SONS SAKE MAYBE SOME TOUGH LOVE WILL BE NEEDED. AND FRANKLY IF YOU KNOW HE IS DOING DRUGS THEN I WOULD SAY YES LET HIM GET A DOSE OF THE HARSH REAL WORLD. IT MIGHT WAKE HIM UP. BUT THIS IS NOT A CHOICE BETWEEN HUSBAND AND SON. IT IS HUSBAND IS RIGHT AND SON IS DOING WRONG. IF YOUR SON WERE NOT THE ONE DOING IT AND IT WERE MINE WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE ME??? OK NOW FOLLOW THAT!!!
    friends4me

    Answer by friends4me at 10:43 PM on Jul. 2, 2008

  • Don't love your son to death. Time for an intervention and treatment. Time for you to take a stand and take your life and home back.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 10:50 PM on Jul. 2, 2008

  • You can still love your child, but do what is best for him. Tough love! Get some help, set the ground rules, and stick to it. It will be best in the long run. Call your husband ASAP and tell him you love him! Take your home back!!!!
    Simonsmama

    Answer by Simonsmama at 11:20 PM on Jul. 2, 2008

  • It's time you show your son some tough love. I am in recovery and we dont change until we've hit bottom. You cant continue to let him get away with his behavior and let him ruin your relationship with your husband! He's 20...he needs to check in to a rehab or move out! You need to talk to someone too! Get help, call al-anon! You are enabling him to continue to use drugs if you dont put your foot down now! It might save his life!
    Lisajean923

    Answer by Lisajean923 at 11:25 PM on Jul. 2, 2008

  • Time for your 20 year old son to move out. Doing drugs and disrespecting you or his step father. Your his mother, take him to go get some help. If your son don't want to go by your rule, time to let the boy go. He has to live and learn. No matter how much you love your son! You can't let this ruin your marrage!
    mamakell1174

    Answer by mamakell1174 at 12:01 AM on Jul. 3, 2008

  • My Dad always told that my husband should always come 1st. The kids grow up and make their own lives He's the one left beside you to grow old with. your son has disrespected you as his mom now he can run all over you ; Stand firm make some choices soon. good luck be strong
    bunco

    Answer by bunco at 12:44 AM on Jul. 3, 2008

  • You are contributing to his bad behavior by keeping him at home. Let him fend for himself so will learn how to survive. To be kind is to be cruel.
    maryanneckel

    Answer by maryanneckel at 4:23 AM on Jul. 3, 2008

  • We love our men, both h and s. It can't be easy to choose between the two but then why make it a choice between them? They have issues with one another. Let them work it out. As a married couple you and h should sit down and discuss how it affects you two. There has to be a compromise but the son is an adult now. Maybe he should be walking his own path in life. Why cheat the young man out of his journey to find his own life and happiness? Said with love.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:13 AM on Jul. 3, 2008

  • I have been in the same situation. We kicked him out after several arrests for possession of drugs and bailing him out time after time. It has been 4 years since then and he is clean and sober for the most part - working - not getting arrested in any case. He was completely horrified that I/we did it but really, he would never have stopped if he didn't have to.l What I did do though was buy and pay for a cell phone for him - he didn't have any money for that. I knew it would be for craziness too - but, I didn't care - I am a mom and I wanted complete instantaneaous contact with my child. The thing about your man leaving though- I don't believe that I would let him back b/c we don't leave when things get tough - that is when we lock horns and fight. I see these as two separate issues. Deal with the kid and the man seperately. You deserve a man that won't split when the going gets too tough.
    kat92365

    Answer by kat92365 at 12:07 AM on Jul. 4, 2008

  • your son is a grown man capapble of deciding how to live or ruin his own life. are you going ot allow him to run yours to the ground too? there need to be changes or he needs to go. i know he's your son, but its not like you are throwing that sweet innocent boy out. you are forcing your lazy, rude, disrespectful adult son to grow up.
    princezzmommie

    Answer by princezzmommie at 1:03 AM on Jul. 4, 2008

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