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4 Bumps

What kind of compromise can I possibly make here?! Sexual content adult content

Sex has ever been a point of contention in my marriage. My husband's libido is lower than mine. He almost never initiates, he's cool with it being two weeks between sack sessions, and he just doesn't WANT. I need to be wanted. I do all the foreplay work about 80% of the time, but would like it to be more of a reciprocal thing... where he enjoys doing things to me as much as having things done to him.

After much discussion between us and 6 years of it being a problem for us, I'm realizing that I'm going to have to be the one to change. He can't. I respec that and love him for who he is. But I don't know how to go about changing what I feel like I NEED out of our sexual relationship.

Where do I start?


Asked by Anonymous at 11:33 PM on Oct. 6, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I've sat here and thought about your question for a few minutes, and it seems to me that he could have some low-self-esteem issues. He's young, he may not truly believe that he can make you happy (in spite of evidence to the contrary) so it's safer and easier to do nothing. I agree that he can't necessarily change his sex drive (unless he's depleted in some key vitamins and minerals) but I don't agree with you that you have to be the only one to change. But since you're willing to take on the proactive aspect of things, you can make it easier for him. Try having a set time every evening (or morning or whenever it's convenient) to just cuddle and spend time together and connect emotionally. If it leads to sex, yay. If not, no pressure. The one aspect I do think is entirely yours to control is your need to be wanted; you're going to need to let that go for awhile, if not forever.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 7:35 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • Has he ever had a simple blood test to test for low testosterone? My son just recently found that low testosterone is the reason they are having trouble concieving. Medical issues would be a first place to start in my opinion. My sons urologist told him that low T is a major cause of depression in men..because their libido is suppressed.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 11:37 PM on Oct. 6, 2010

  • PM me, hon. Been there... and now the sex is literally nonexistent since he had a serious motorcycle accident six years ago.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:36 PM on Oct. 6, 2010

  • GrnEyed, no, he hasn't. The ONLY symptom of Low T he has is a low libido... he doens't have depression or any other physical problems. He doesn't have erectile dysfunction or anything, nothing to signal a problem except for low libido. I am reluctant to force him to the doctor to explain "my wife isn't satisifed by how often I want sex" when the likely result would be "It's in your head and you don't need a blood test".

    Gdiamante, I feel silly PMing you because we are in several groups together lol.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:41 PM on Oct. 6, 2010

  • Perhaps learn to take care of things more by yourself. I know that does not solve the wanting to be needed portion but it will get rid of the sexual tension. Perhaps seeing a sex therapist might help.

    Answer by Melbornj at 12:04 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • son had no symptoms at all..other than they weren't having sucess concieving. I know how hard headed men can be about going to a Dr. about things. Perhaps if you suggested you both have full physicals just for health purposes. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 12:12 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • You may be reluctant to send him to the doctor...but if there is a hormonal problem it needs to be found. A little info excerpted from WebMD:

    "Low testosterone is associated with several chronic medical conditions, including obesity, diabetes, depression, and possibly cardiovascular disease. However, “It’s not clear at all that [low testosterone] causes these conditions,” Herbst says. “In fact, it might be the other way around.”

    So... there may be a hidden problem with his health that should be uncovered before something more serious pops up. Your satisfaction doesn't enter into this part of it AT ALL and needn't be mentioned to the doc.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:15 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • G, part of the reason I dont' think he has low T is because he has none of that. He doesn't have a loss in muscle mass (in fact he has put on muscle in the last few years, he was a skinny 18 year old boy when we met lol), he doesn't have low energy, he's a healthy weight, his blood pressure is fantastic, he's not diabetic, he doesn't have hair loss or development of effeminate traits and he's only 25... he is otherwise completely healthy.

    I just understand now that this is not something he can change. He has tried a lot. It's my turn to try to change. I've been trying a long time to "fix him" but he's not broken, he's just not that into sex. It takes two for there to be a problem and it's not all his fault. I just don't know how to even start, but I know I'm tired of sex being a problem for us.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:26 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • Danni, that was rude.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:50 AM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • I'm sorry you are going through rhis, but don't give up. Has he always been like this?

    Answer by ednaamelia at 2:23 AM on Oct. 7, 2010