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11 yr old, who just doesn't care

My 11 yr old daughter. Just does not seem to care about school or anything. She is continually uprooting our household. Example: this evening, I ask if she has homework - she say No. ( she had a 59 in science at mid-term and brought it up to a 70, it’s now back at 68) Anyhow, I look on-line to check her grades and homework. It says, she has science that is due on Monday. I ask if she has her science book with her, she says Yes. I ask if she has science class tomorrow, she says No. I ask her to take her book out of her backpack and leave it at home, so I know, she’ll have it this weekend to do the work. SHE has a FIT. Why, that’s stupid and I explain it again and again to her. I tell her, I know, I’ll get the “I forgot” tomorrow, when I ask if she brought her science book home. She just doesn’t care.
Anyhow, last week we went to a counselor

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:23 PM on Oct. 7, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • You said you both saw the counselor? Maybe she needs to talk to someone alone. Plz don't take this personal, but remember when we were younger? The last person we wanted to tell how we were feeling was our parents. With the changes in hormones and the pressures of school, she must have been hurt by someone or something someone has said to her. Children are very cruel in school. Maybe its time to get her out of the house and doing some things to get those endorphins working! Do those indoor rock climbing, or laser tag game places. Something to make her feel special. Take her to have her nails and toes done. Or have a few girls over for a slumber party. But first, get her out of the house and away from the TV. I know about depression, and TV adds to it! I pray the Lord will give you insight and direction. That you will have favor with your daughter and a new bond!

    Prayerpartner

    Answer by Prayerpartner at 9:15 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • It may be time to step back and let her earn her grades. Explain that you want her to do well and will help her if she needs. Then let her earn her grades. It worked very well with my sd.
    BluDog

    Answer by BluDog at 12:35 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • The counselor is trying to give you the tools you need to parent her - working together on the "homework" assignment of identifying things to do together (common interests). If you're going to approach counseling as "but I don't want to", then stop going now. A counselor cannot "fix it". That's not the counselor's job. It's a common misconception, but that's not how it works. The effort will have to be yours. And also, if your daughter doesn't become invested in the change? (which will only happen if you are taking a positive approach), it won't work then either. The "fix" is up to you.
    caseyandkids

    Answer by caseyandkids at 10:40 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Well said, caseyandkids. All so very true.

    In addition, the child's grades need to become her responsibility. If she chooses not to perform well in school, then both the school and the parents can impose consequences. Until she has to live with the results of her decisions and decides that she prefers a different outcome, her choices will not improve.

    This is all very common in children in this age group. If extreme, it may indicate that the child should be evaluated for a possible mental health diagnosis but it seems that the counselor has already judged these behaviors to be within typical ranges. It does not mean Depression or any other diagnosis.
    lovesergei

    Answer by lovesergei at 10:47 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Spending quality time with your daughter needs to be a priority. Find a sitter for your son once a week so you and your daughter can hang out together. This is a VERY critical age.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 PM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • Maybe she feels you are spending more time with her brother than her. Have you thought of having a family night where all of you can go skating, bowling, or something like that? Or even, have a girls night and let your son stay with a friend. Maybe this way you'll be able to find some common ground. I would also tell her that you will be there for her when she needs you. Also the fact that you will be open to talk with her without judging her. Peer pressure is also another possibility.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:24 AM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • I'm sure it's hard to want to be around her when she gets like this and pushes you away, but you know as a mom you have to keep trying. I would follow through on what the couselor said, make the lists and come to a couple common items you can enjoy together. If its shopping, coloring, going to a movie, eating ice cream, manicures...whatever, set aside the time and do them.
    Truly the only way your daughter is going to start opening up to you is if you show her through actions you are on her side, you are involved and you want to be involved. If she feels left out, then there is something going on that she perceives as leaving her out. It's hard to give equal time to our kids, but we have to do our best. My son when he was younger was like this too, hard to deal with because it appear like he didn't listen or care, the more I pushed to be closer to him the better it got. Good Luck! :)
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:25 AM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • This is all very common in children in this age group. If extreme, it may indicate that the child should be evaluated for a possible mental health diagnosis but it seems that the counselor has already judged these behaviors to be within typical ranges. It does not mean Depression or any other diagnosis.

    ^^ this
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 3:41 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • about her attitude and just not having any goals in life. She just doesn’t seem to care about anything. She tells the counselor that she feels left out of our family. It’s just herself, her little brother and I. Her brother is in soccer, scouts and into church activities. So, Yes, I’m more involved with him and his activities. BUT it’s not like she doesn’t have the same opportunities to be in involved in activities.
    I don’t know, how to help her care about school and to have goals in life? The counselor wants us each
    SassySue123

    Answer by SassySue123 at 11:24 PM on Oct. 7, 2010

  • to make a list of things we’d like to try. Then put the list together and find a common interest for us to do together. BUT after an evening like this -I don’t want to spend time with her and her attitude. I’ve attempted in the past, while she was watching TV to be in the same room and spend time with her. She gets up and leaves the room. On occasions, when her bother is staying at a friends home for the night. I’ve asked her, what she’d like to do and she replies Nothing or Watch TV.
    Ugh… Any suggestions.????
    SassySue123

    Answer by SassySue123 at 11:25 PM on Oct. 7, 2010

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