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4 Bumps

Depression and affair

Has anyone had a spouse that has cheated and after being caught went into a serious state of depression and isolation? If so please explain how to deal with it and what treatment may help.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:46 PM on Oct. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • If a spouse cheated on me, I wouldn't know or care what his mental state was afterwards, because I would have kicked him out the minute I found out. Sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for cheaters.
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 2:47 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • if you're willing to forgive him for cheating....then send him to a psychiatrist or psychologist. He needs therapy immediately.
    LynnB1

    Answer by LynnB1 at 2:49 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Sometimes with the time invested and the situation it can make things complicated. Even when children and involved.
    2hurt

    Answer by 2hurt at 2:50 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • My husband cheated on my 16 years ago. It was a drunken one night stand that he came home and confessed to. So there was no depression on his part afterwards. Mine yeah, his no.

    Based on what all I learned and experienced during the years it took to reconcile and rebuild our marriage. If I were you. I do think councelling is a must, both individual and marital. In order for him to pull out of this, and for the two of you to be able to reconcile and rebuild your marriage. A few things must happen. The 1st is complete understanding, acceptance and disclosure of why he made the choice to cheat. Without that, the underlying reasons for cheating can not be addressed, therefore the problems do not get "solved" just brushed away. From there. All those issues have to be addressed and workedout individually. Cheating rarely happens in a vaccuum. There's usually underlying reasons, problems within one's self or within the marriage
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:55 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • If he has spriralled into a depression. Then either the reasons for the affair are very deep, or his feelings about the affair or his affair partner are very deep. Or Honestly, he could be ashamed and disappointed himself. Even the strongest of people make shitty selfish choices sometimes in life. And doing so screws them up. Yeah I know, if something is going to screw things up this much, and screw yourself up this much, why make that choice to begin with. That's an age old question. A question thatf sometimes depending on the overall situation that both spouses ask many times during reconcilliation.

    Reconciling isn't easy. It takes a lot of work. A lot of time. A lot of tears. A lot of honesty that no one wants to really say out loud or hear . But those are the things that need to be done in order to rebuild and reconcile a marriage successfully after cheating.

    I do wish you all the best. You have a hard road ahead.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:59 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • my husband has never physically cheated but he's talked to women online...and i felt so betrayed. he honestly didn't think it was a big deal because he was 'never going to meet any of them.' and it was an 'escape.' i flipped out and he ended up talking to a therapist about it...i don't think he was depressed, though. confused, yes, depressed, no. but sometime they go hand in hand, you know?
    erinwhitt

    Answer by erinwhitt at 2:59 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Pixie Trix how long had you been married before your husband had an affair? Also how long did it take to get over it. You have said some things that are right on target. I can tell you have been down that long road. Does the trust ever come back? I have a friend going through something like this with her husband of many years and it was an internet fling and the other woman is a control freak. She does not want to just walk away she thinks the other woman manipulated her husband and is still trying to do so. Her husband has issues that go way back with many more things than her marriage and they have both just started counseling. I hope they can survive this they have a wonderful family and I do think her husband is ashamed of himself.
    2hurt

    Answer by 2hurt at 3:07 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • We had been married between nearly 9 years.
    It took years to fully rebuild and recover. Most experts say that it takes 2-3 years, just to BEGIN rebuilding. And truthfully, that's the way it was for us. It took nearly 2 years to just get everything out on the table. Meaning, ALL problems/issues that we BOTH had in our marriage BEFORE he chose to cheat (which also included a drinking problem he had developed). Our marriage was a shambles BEFORE my husband cheated. We had a lot to work out. We BOTH (like most marriages in this situation) had needs/desires/wants/feelings..etc that weren't being met. We both felt slighted, we both felt rejected, we both feld unappreciated. And so very many other things. We had to work all of that out 1st and foremost. Those things had to be worked out before rebuilding could even begin. We couldn't rebuild a marriage, if it wasn't a marriage that was going to make us both happy.
    COnt.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:30 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Once we shared ALL (the good, the bad & the ugly) those things. We then had a very good, clear idea of what we BOTH needed/wanted from our marriage. We decided that yes, that's the marriage we BOTH wanted and were willing to work for. So we began, it too a few years, and honestly, it's still ongoing (any and every relationship that last for years and years is a constant work in progress, or at least should be or else one or the other falls on their laurels. lol) We learned how to communicate anything and everything openly/honestly/safely, we learned to recognize/understand/accept one another's needs. We learned a novel's worth of lessons.. LOL

    We have now been married 25 years. I can honestly say this. We have an incredible marriage. A marriage that I'm proud of, and so very happy with (same goes for him..lol) I would never ever want to experience all of that again. However. I wouldn't change where we are today anything.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:34 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Trust does come back.

    However.. The key is this.. That trust MUST be EARNED.. Not just given freely.. The cheater, if they truly want their marriage, and truly want to reconcile. Will prove themselves, EVERY SINGLE DAY in order to rebuild, earn once again, the trust of their spouse.

    My husband promised me, when I finally agreed to reconcile, that he would spend every single day of his life, proving himself to me. And I can honestly say, all these years later, he has done just that. He sets out everyday to be a better man than he was the day before / a better husband ( I do the same. it's far far from one sided). He proves himself, that is what earned my trust once again, it was not just given.

    One thing about a marriage recovering is this.. It may have only been 1 who made the choice to cheat. 1 who committed the ultimate wrong. HOwever. the condition of the marriage that led up to that, lies on the BOTH spouses.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:38 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

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