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2 Bumps

How do I handle my family now that I found my BDad?

My mom is my bmom, but the man I grew up knowing as my dad is not my bfather. I grew up with a mom&dad who loved me & I appreciate them so much. They did a great job raising me. Nothing will ever change the fact that they ARE my parents. My bfather and I have recently discovered ea other because my cousin-in-law's bro married my Bdad's daughter, my half sister. My mother had never told me my Bdad's name or anything about him. It was only last year that she told me he is half Japanese. It explains SO much about who I am. I thought I was some sort of genetic anomaly lol! My cousin came to me with the info & left it up to me if I wanted to know. My Bdad and I are getting to know each other and my parents are freaking out. I want to be respectful, but they are saying things like "Don't feel like you've gained a new parent." "I'll be hurt if you embrace them." How would you handle this situation? I'm stuck in the middle!


Asked by Carrielayne at 4:41 PM on Oct. 8, 2010 in Adoption

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This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Your parents are scared, and being selfish. You have the right to get to know your b-dad and then decide if you want to continue a relationship with him. It is cruel to expect you to NOT want to know him.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:05 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Firt off NOTHING is wrong with getting to know your bdad. Anyone should understand a person's curiosity! the worst thing that people can do is tell u what to do or how to feel, or hang something over your head like if u do this then I'll be hurt. It's not about them its about you! Its not like he is there to replace anyone! YOU know who raised you and loved you all these years! If I was you I'd embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to have gotten the chance to meet your bdad let alone even know who he is. Bc a lot of people don't have a clue.

    Answer by lilma0608 at 4:52 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • You have every right to find and have a relationship with your birth father. They should be supportive of your decision. I'm sorry they are making you feel torn. Good luck on your journey, and let us know how it all works out for you. God bless.

    Answer by MountainMomma3 at 1:06 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • It's not fair of your parents to put you in the middle, and say the things they are saying. Wanting to know your birth dad is totally normal, and you have every right to know him. Don't play their game and make you feel guilty about wanting to know him. They will choose how they are going to react and if they want to be hurt, they will. Many adoptive parents handle reunions really well, and are not insecure and thinking only of themselves.

    Maybe it might be help if they understand how natural it is for you to want to know him, and tell them it has nothing to do with your feelings for them. In time, once they see that your relationship with him does not affect your relationship with them, maybe they will stop trying to lay a guilt trip on you and adjust to this new situation. They probably are scared, and with time, that might get better. However, they need to think more about what you want and need.

    Answer by Southernroots at 9:53 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Carrielayne, Hugs, for you could most assuredly use one:) It is NOT your resposibility for you Mom and Dads feelings, they are adults. I knew from the age of 6 that MY Dad was not my First Dad. HE WAS MY Dad in every single way, and I loved him with ALL that I am today,(GOD rest his soul). I have 1 full brother and 4 half siblings from my Firstdad, and upon him being 'found", (my brother found him), I had NO desires to get to know him...none. I was first introduced to him via the phone, while MY Dad was sitting in my living room. He was so amazing at giving me his support and thoughts. I CHOSE not to have any further contact, because he, over time, informed me that 'now that I have him back in my life, there was NO need for me to continue a relationship with MY Dad"! Needless to say, the first time I lay eyes on him was in a coffin..he died on my Birthday. I have no regrets! I was NOT responsible for anyones thoughts

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:06 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Just let them know you love them. They are scared, but don't let that stop you from getting to know your father. I always have had guilt through out my life for getting closer to my bfamily (and it was an in family adoption). Now my parents are supportive and they know they are my parents!! It just takes time for them and time for me to not feel guilty!!! Don't feel guilty, you know where your heart is! I am happy you are getting to know more about your father and yourself!

    Answer by KaraMia15 at 8:03 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • They were wrong to keep your fathers identity a secret from you. Plain wrong. Do they both know their fathers? I'll bet they do but think that it's ok to try to keep you from yours. Even if they think your father has not earned the right to have a relationship with you, YOU have a right to have a relationship with him.

    Maybe write them a letter telling them how you feel about them and that knowing your father won't change that. Then tell them that you are going to have a relationship with him and ask them for their support.

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:51 PM on Oct. 10, 2010

  • I think it is fabulous you have found your bdad! I can totally relate to you as far as having questions answered about yourself. My parents split when I was 9 months old and I am now 40. My bdad and I have not had a relationship over the years. My step dad legally adopted me 5 years ago and he has been a wonderful man to me my entire life. I decided about 6 months ago to reach out to my bdad and I am SO glad I did. I am in touch with my half brothers and learning about the other half of MY history!!! Good for you. I know how great that feels. It doesn't diminish my love for my step dad, just adds more love to my life by adding my bdad.

    Answer by TALuke at 8:51 AM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • try to keep the 2 separate as long as you can and then tell your mom and dad that you are not tryin to replace them but have a friendship with your dad

    Answer by mekarevell at 12:21 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • Thanks for all the answers! Things are going better with my family. My Dad and I were never really big on talking to each other anyway. So it's even harder than it should be. My birth father and I are getting along great. I have half siblings that I'm getting to know. My birth father and two of my siblings are planning a trip to see me in Jan or Feb of this next year. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.
    This has brought up all of the issues and resentment that I didn't know I was still holding onto toward my parents. I've totally forgiven my birth dad. It's weird cause I always thought he was the one I was upset or hurt by. My mom is handling all of this well. Her family (my aunts and grandma) hasn't really talked to her. They left me to tell her what was going on. Too much drama for me. I've told them all to talk to each other and get back to me when they can play nice. Thanks again you guys!

    Comment by Carrielayne (original poster) at 4:12 AM on Oct. 19, 2010