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Feeling not needed

I asked my 2nd husband to have as much involvement as he wanted with my kids from my first marriage, wouldn't it be natural for him to want me to have as much involvement with his kids from his first marriage as I wanted? We both split our visits with our kids from the first marriages 50/50 with our exes. My kids adore him & theyve had a great connection these 3 years we've been married. His kids are similar age as mine & there is not the same connection with me. I noticed he wasn't making an effort to help me out with this so I asked him if he would. He's shown no sign of helping me since I asked him to. He throws reminders in my face all the time that his kids have a mom and a dad and thats all they need. I'm thinking of staying out of situations where I would normally lend my support like sports or school related things for his kids & just let he & his ex be involved w/out me. He said if I do that we may as well seperate.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:10 PM on Oct. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • well in one hand is telling you he doesn't need you to be there and have a close relationship with him & then yet he is saying he wants you to still shoulder the load. that doesn't seem right. although it seems to me that what your trying to say by opting to help is that your being a little stubborn and trying to force the issue of how you want him to help you and his kids bond better. the only way to really get these kids to bond with you is to be with them as much as you can. maybe do some one on one. if your hubby would allow that. i think maybe the mother is talking bad about you, maybe. so they resent you for some reason. if you would tell us the age of the kids it would help. you can stand your ground be stubborn that he isn't helping you and your trying to make a point. or you can continue to just worry about trying to bond & bite the bullet and continue as you are. sucks he won't help. you'd think he would want u too.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 9:01 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • i am guessing that the biggest problem is the mixed messages he is giving you on one hand him saying they don't need you but controlling the situation by threatening the marriage if you choose to follow through with his first comment and be uninvolved. you are not asking to be a damn chauffeur you are asking to be a parent figure. he needs to make a decision that you are important enough to partner with you on that, or he's right you might as well separate but it wouldn't be for the reason he is implying it would be because he's being a disrespectful asshole.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:07 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • He tells you his kids have a mom and dad, and that's all they need. And he won't help you find a connection with his kids when you asked him to, yet, he threatens you with a separation if you don't participate in family matters? Does he know what he's saying? Does he know what he wants? He is giving you mixed signals, for sure. No wonder you haven't found a connection with his kids yet. They may not know if you guys are gonna stay together! Not with the way he's acting. Tell him to pick a side of the damn fence already, and it better be the side of family, not the side of him being all alone. Because you are clearly trying to do what's good for the kids, and for the family. You don't seem to be trying to push their bio mom out. It sounds like he is trying to sabotage things. Talk with him.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:42 PM on Oct. 8, 2010

  • Something doesn't sound right. Why would he rather spend more time with his children and his ex-wife than with his current wife and step kids? I would straight up ask him exactly what he means. I don't blame you for how you are feeling. You do however need to know exactly where you stand. You're entitled to that.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:43 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

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