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What is a better way to deal with this?

I posetd a question before, regarding my DH's cousins soon-to-be ex-wife. It bugs me that she calls him EVERY day. I like her a lot, but she has this need to talk to my DH. He went through a divorce, but I basically lived through it with him. Anyway, on the rare occasion that he doesn't answer, she will call me (I just LOVE being second choice EVERY time). Anyway, I have talked to my DH and told him I am uncomfortable with the situation. I even showed him the answers I got on here and he completely agreed and promised to stop answering every time she calls. He still answers and his excuses are: I'm a nice person or it might be an emergency (he picks up her son sometimes). What can I do without contacting her myself and telling her I don't like it? I don't want her to think I hate her or have it come off really bad, but DH is not taking care of it the way he promised.

 
JGRIMMER

Asked by JGRIMMER at 8:26 AM on Oct. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,904 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Talking to her is pointless and will create a rift between you and her. Your problem is entirely with your husband. His boundaries where she is concerned is very loose. You don't understand why she is allowed to take up so much of his time. Your dh is enabling her to do so and that I'm betting is what really pisses you off. Perhaps showing your dh the inequality between you and her would help. If he is being such a nice guy, maybe he's forgotten that he needs to put family first and establish proper boundaries to protect his time with family. Not everything is an emergency and he can not be everything to everyone. You mentioned he picks up her son, so some contact is needed. But calls while he is in class is unacceptable unless it's an emergency, not a mental crisis, but a really emergency like a house burning down or a car wreck, or someone is in the hospital.
    isabellalecour

    Answer by isabellalecour at 11:50 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I don't see why you have a problem with him talking to her, but I can see why you would have a problem with how much time he's spending talking with her. You need to ask him to remind her that he has responsibilities to his family that aren't being met if he spends too much time giving her emotional support through the divorce. He really needs to give her limits (like "now's a bad time for talking, how about if I call you back after the kids go to bed" or "just to let you know, we're eating dinner in ten minutes, so I'll have to get off the phone" also the occasional "I know how hard this is to go through, but if I spend too much time on the phone with you, I'm not meeting my responsibilities as a husband and father."
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 8:52 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I completely understand where you are coming from. I want my husband to be present when he is home. I guess you need to really discuss again and agree to some rules- one call per day from her, or something like that. Or maybe you could call her proactivley and ask her how things are going, so she's already had someone to talk to before she gets around to your hubby. Good luck. I hope it gets better.
    Hazelnutkin

    Answer by Hazelnutkin at 8:58 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • If she is in the process of a divorce, she is probably searching for another male to help w/ the things her husb used to do. Even if that's just to listen. Esp. since your husb knows what she is going thru. He sounds like a soft touch, and that 's probably 1 of the reasons you fell in love with him. As long as there is no hanky-panky, or she is not interfering with time he spends w/ your family, then I say let him be there for her. Eventually, she will learn to get by on her own. (esp. when she starts dating again.) Be patient, I'm sure this is a temporary situation.
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:03 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I'm not the jealous type, but I respect my family and friends spouses and I would not like it if a female family member was calling my husband all the time and I would tell her and stop it. I think it's disrespectful to your relationship and you bet it would be stopped.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 9:08 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • You need to talk to her. She may be feeling a little lost right now without a man in her life. But it does sound like she's leaning a bit heavily on your husband, which may be totally aboveboard and innocent, but it's bothering you so he really needs to respect that. She needs to start going thru you if she needs help.
    duckigrrl

    Answer by duckigrrl at 9:12 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • It dosent sound to me like she has any respect for your relationship with your dh. Family or not, she dosent need to be calling him all the time. Tell your dh either he can stop answering so often and give her a hint or you'll call and let her know nicely shes a grown woman and this is you husband!
    cmorbeauty

    Answer by cmorbeauty at 10:13 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I don't think any kind of subtlety will work. Sounds like you need to talk directly to her. Let her know that, while your husband is experienced in divorce, she needs to remember that you know what your husband went through, as well. Tell her that every time she calls him about something minor or asinine, she's taking him away from HIS family, where his own responsibilities lie. Tell her that when she needs to call and if she knows that he'll be in class or otherwise busy, she can call you. In fact, she WILL call you; don't give her the choice of calling you or your husband. Before the conversation is over, remind her AGAIN that every time she calls him about something little or something that isn't an emergency, she's taking away from his responsibility at home to HIS family, who will always need him. Reiterate that she can call you any time, since you were right there with him while he went through his divorce.
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 10:14 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Tell him he is cheating her out of learning how to cope. He's enabling her which is NOT helping her. So in essence he's hurting her growth as a person by being there for her all the time. Tell him to remember this lesson when it's his kids too. He's not being mean, he's being mature if he puts a stop to the constant calls. I'd even tell her "I care about you so am going to let you grow from this and I'm not going to answer all your calls. You have to learn to handle this on your own. You will thank me for it some day"
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:23 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I do not understand?? Do you think he is having an affair with her, or potentially? Or you do not like your DH talking to any other female, but you? You want all the attention?

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:53 AM on Oct. 9, 2010

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