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How would you handle this? MIL, BIL, DH stuff!!!

After not speaking to me for over 2 years my brother in law left a message on my cell saying this...You need to call mom she has been trying to call you for a week she wants to give you her itinerary and make sure you will be at the airport to pick her up. She will be flying in on monday the 11th. This message was intended for my dh. This is not just for a visit, my mil is coming to stay for an undetermined amount of time. We were NEVER asked if she could, if we have room, nothing. Just I got her a ticket and she will be there! I am so pissed I can hardly speak to my hubby without getting hateful. My mil is not a nice person, my dh even says she is spiteful and negative and nasty. No I do not want her here, he knows this. She has been living on her own, she has health issues and her dr said she should not be alone. She will not go anywhere else! I am truly stuck! I feel like I need to protect my daughter, it is sad. Advise?


Asked by Noosa at 6:42 PM on Oct. 9, 2010 in Relationships

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Answers (13)
  • The only thing I can think of is that is she comes to stay at your house, tell your husband you will be staying somewhere else. It's his mother, let him deal with it.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:03 AM on Oct. 10, 2010

  • Why isn't your BIL going to take care of her?

    Answer by ajc88 at 6:46 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • If she is going to stay in your home, you need to set some rules: first of all, with your husband, about what you will and will not do. Then the both of you will need to work as a unit to make the environment healthy for your daughter. That means that if your MIL is being nasty to you or your child, and you tell her off about it, your husband needs to side with you, for the sake of your relationship.

    I think the most important thing you can do is try and maintain as healthy a marriage as you can. Caring for a parent is too stressful for many people to deal with. A parent who is unpleasant---I can't imagine how stressful this may be.

    Answer by SWasson at 6:54 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • put her in a care facility... really !

    Answer by annwarren29 at 7:01 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • IDK. It's already starting of really bad, since your hubby obviously did something behind your back in agreeing that she could come. I'm guessing he did, by the sounds of the message.
    Ground rules, NOW! It doesn't matter if she is his mother, this is YOUR home. Yes, she deserves respect, but so do you. And, I find it oddly funny that your BIL kicked out their mother. Why? I'm also guessing her attitude. Oh, man. I don't think she is being totally honest with anyone, really. And I think she wants to come between anyone she has to in order to be center of attention. Be careful, very careful. And maintain control of your home. It's yours, not hers. But don't treat her like a child, ya know? Just set the ground rules. And let your hubby know what he did was utterly disrespectful to you.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 7:35 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • My BIL kicked her out of his home and we got her into an apartment. She has brothers and sisters that have large homes in her area and no young kids. My BIL has no children either. She is very capable of taking care of herself. She is in San Diego and we are in Seattle. She has no doctors here no friends, no car. I work, we go to church (she does not). There has to be a better way. She refuses to make it easy for herself, let alone anyone else. She has an attitude of entitlement she has seriously refused to do anything for herself for years. She lives on ssi so she is always broke and we pitch in. But she has to have her hair and nails done once a week. I don't!

    Comment by Noosa (original poster) at 6:56 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • If she is capable of taking care of herself, why did the Dr. say she could not be alone. You and your husband should reach down in your Christian soul and take care of her. Maybe you could go forward tomorrow and pray that you will have the strength to do the right thing and take care of your parent. How many times have you seen her in the last two years? If I was your mother, I would be ashamed of your selfish attitude. I hope that your husband as the Christian head of household can lead you to see that this is a family responsibility that you can take care of with love and cooperation.

    Much the same thing happened to us about 10 years ago. My BIL whose children were grown and out of the house said he wanted his mother to come to us. We live approx. 500 miles from where they lived. We went and got her. She lived here for approximately 2 years. It was not easy, I bit my tongue often. I know it was the right thing

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:15 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • When she died, my BIL was on vacation and would not even leave vacation for the funeral. That is something I have a hard time getting over.
    When she came we had two kids still at home. She had lots of bad points. But if we stopped thinking about them she had so much more to offer and share with us and the kids. Look for the good and past the bad and negative.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:20 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I am sorry, I came on strong. I do not know you. But I do know that if you do not do the good and right thing, you will regret it.
    Again I am sorry and I wish I had been more gentle in my remarks.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:22 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Honestly, I feel much the same way about my MIL. When the time comes I know the rest of her family will refuse to take care of her, that's the way they are. I've already decided I would rather work and pay for a care facility than to care for her myself. Don't tell me abot her dedicating her years to DH - we've been married for 15 years already and she has done everything she can to make it as miserable as possible for me, to the point to where my children see it. If there is one person in this world I can't stand it's her. ---- Sorry for the rant, my point was to put her into a care facility. I know my marriage or my sanity could not handle caring for my MIL.

    Answer by scout_mom at 8:03 PM on Oct. 9, 2010