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Adoption: Do you think it's fair to birth parents when adopted child proceed to search for them?

I've heard some birth parents place in the documents they never want to be found. Later in life the adopted child searches for their birth parent depsite the wishes of the birth parent. Do you think that is fair? Hey before you answer, take a deep breath. I am asking a question. Don't beat me up about it. Some people here on Cafemom, get too emotional and not realize this is a Q& A session.


Asked by Godswk at 7:04 PM on Oct. 9, 2010 in Adoption

Level 9 (282 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • Does the child know their birth parent does not want to be found? Because if they do, then I think maybe its a little unfair, but if they do not know, then no..I dont think its unfair. I was adopted and wanted to find my birth parents. Tried for 6 years, and then out of nowhere got a phone call one day from my birth father.I didnt realize how emotional and angry I would be after the fact. I kind of wish now, I had never found them, but anyways ....i suppose sometimes its just better to not know things.

    Answer by USMCwife22 at 7:15 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • I don't know about "fair", but I cannot blame those children, and in the same sense...I think it's unfair that they would have to go their whole life wondering who their biological parents are.

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 7:15 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Fair isn't even a consideration in my opinion. If once an adoptee is an adult and wants to search out those people that gave birth to them I say go for it. I am an adopted child. I had the most wonderful childhood that anyone could dream of. I personally have no desire to know the people that layed down to make me.... My PARENTS are the ones who raised me and supported me in my life no matter what age or situation. The only useful thing that can be provided by those people is their medical history.

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 7:21 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • Why shouldn't adoptees have the same rights as everyone else on the planet of knowing their origins? When first parents place their children, it is not about them and what they is about the adoptee. Period. That carries through adulthood for the adoptee. My dd has a closed adoption as it is international, but I will do anything that I can for her if she wishes to search.
    As much as I feel for first parents as I can only fathom the depths of the pain they live with, I just can't think that their feelings "trump" the feelings of an adoptee.

    Answer by mcginnisc at 7:21 PM on Oct. 9, 2010

  • It is a very interesting question. It is also a very difficult question and even harder to answer since I believe there is no wrong or right answer. I think it is the right of an adoptee to know their story.....good or bad. So let's say a woman was raped, she became pregnant as a result of that rape, placed the child up for adoption, and stated clearly she never wants to be found. I certainly understand and support her decision to not be contacted. On the other hand, imagine not even knowing the circumstances of your birth and just wanting an answer as to why. As painful as it is, I believe that adoptee has the right to know. That doesn't mean a right to a relationship or even the right to make contact. Most certainly I do believe in the right to understand the circumstances to their birth and why adoption was chosen for them. Not knowing can be so much worse than the truth. I will always side with the survivors of


    Answer by frogdawg at 7:23 PM on Oct. 9, 2010