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10 Bumps

How is the best way to get it thru to a 24 year daughter that the past is the past?

every time we have an argument she brings the past into it. We had a discussion a while back about it, and I said i was sorry for whatever I had in her eyes done wrong and she promised to drop it, but of course she doesn't. Her brothers swear she lived a differant life than they did. I was really abused as a child I had to live in a foster home an I dont even through it in my mothers face all the time.

 
peace013

Asked by peace013 at 2:16 PM on Oct. 11, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 22 (13,054 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • Sadly you can't force her to let something go when she feels wronged and handles it this way. You've already done your part by apologizing for the way she feels and the hand you played in it.

    I to was abused as a child and I've discussed it with my mother and father for that matter. After all said and done, I was done to. It hasn't been brought up again.

    She needs to get help, professionally to deal with her personal problems. Eventually it no longer is someone elses issue, its hers.
    AugustMidge

    Answer by AugustMidge at 2:20 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • Apologizing for "whatever I had done wrong in her eyes" is not an apology....I don't know if that's how you said it, but if it is, she may be waiting for you to actually take responsibility for what she feels that you did wrong. Whatever you did wrong in her eyes....means that you didn't do anything wrong in your eyes. I'm not saying you did anything wrong.....but if she feels that you did, that wasn't a true apology. I would say that maybe the two of you should go to counseling together to work out your issues.

    The past is only "in the past" when it has actually been worked through. Good Luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 2:36 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • It sounds like she might still have some unresolved issues that she can't quite get over. Have you suggested talking to a professional? Sometimes just talking about it with somene who is objective and unbiased helps.
    sandrizzle

    Answer by sandrizzle at 2:27 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • I have a problem with my Mother because she watched my Daddy rape me and my sister. She says the same thing. She continues to say I didn't know it until he was dead. So in other words she is saying I am lying. Then she turns around and supposedly apologizes for anything she may have done to me that I believe was wrong.What the heck does that mean anyway? If you did nothing wrong what are you apologizing for?If you did nothing wrong there is some miscommunication somewhere. And you know that you need to get it resolved I am a daughter I know that girls will forgive their Mother for just about anything .I even believed my Mother for a while even though I saw her watching him rape me.If a twenty four year old woman still has issues with her childhood you did something or allowed something to go on and you damn well know it.
    Srb0106

    Answer by Srb0106 at 2:03 PM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • My parents have said some hurtful things to me and I will never let it go. With age and maturity you learn to just not let it bother you anymore. People have different ways of coping and dealing with things and she is not ready to let this go and no one can make her be ready. All you can do is be the loving and supportive mother you are to her and show her that you have made mistakes and apologize. My mom constantly hurts me and NEVER apologizes because she thinks she is always right and always the victim. A simple apology goes a long way. She may not show she hears it but she does. Maybe you guys can sit down at a counseling session so both sides can sit and listen to each sides so you can understand where she is coming from you she can understand what you are coming from without arguement and screaming a calm environment that forces each other to listen to one another.
    KayGia0704

    Answer by KayGia0704 at 3:02 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • First off I have to agree with ohwrite. That wasn't an apology. Second "every time we have an argument she brings the past into it. " Sounds to me like you are doing the same thing you have always done, otherwise why would you be arguing??? Think about the current arguments. Who is starting them and what are they about?  What is your part in this little dance?  What are you wiling to change so that this doesn't keep happening?  If you weren't arguing then she wouldn't bring up the past now would she?

    LoveMyDog

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 12:13 PM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • Sounds like she needs some counseling. Remind her of her promise and change the subject, every time. If she can't let go, conversation over.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:19 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • Ask her what you can do to make it up to her. What does she want from you? Their comes a time when you have to quit complaining and ask for what you need. i dont think she will have anything for you to do..it will just make a point that while she is complaining about the past it wont do any good because you obviously cant do anything but say you are sorry. If she continues to bring it up you can say, "I have apologized for that and I meant it. I'm sorry you are still holding onto ill feelings about it" Say it in a sincere and loving way but dont let her lashing out get to you. She will quit doing it eventually if it isnt harming you like hse is intending. She needs to learn how to cope with her life now without being able to blame the past.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 2:25 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

  • You both need to go to counselling together. Even though you and your sons see nothing wrong, something happened that hurt her. And it's not fair to compare your childhood to hers. It probably makes her feel like you don't think her feelings are worth your time because your problems are so much greater.  It's not about her needing to "grow up" or "move on".  She needs to heal.  You need to help her since you caused the pain. (even if you don't think you did anything wrong) 

    sunshine06

    Answer by sunshine06 at 4:07 PM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • She has growing up to do, you don't bring up the past.
    QandA

    Answer by QandA at 2:21 PM on Oct. 11, 2010

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