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2 Bumps

how do you forgive your husband after you caught him in a huge lie (not cheating) and move on..it's been years & i'm still miserble over it & we continue to argue about it.

basically, i followed him to his exwifes house..saw him go in..i went home & waited for him. When I got home I asked him what took him so long to run "up to the store" as that's where he said he was going for a coke or something...anyway, he stopped & got the coke, walked in the door and answered my questions by telling me it was really crowded. He realized I had followed him when I described where I saw him go, get out of his car & what condo unit he went it...he said he had some unfinished business & wanted to spare my feelings...this was the second time I'd caught him lying about this subject...that was 6 years ago & i have such trust issues w/him & female co-workers, when he travels,etc..it seems to come & go..i do well & then he brings up a female co-worker..what she's doing for the weekend, something funny she said,etc..and off I go accusing him,etc...i want to get control of this ..he says i need to "move on"...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:47 AM on Oct. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Well, he is absolutely giving you reason not to trust him.. Not only is he going to his ex wife's house, but he is doing it behind your back. I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. He must know he is doing something wrong or he would tell you.. There needs to be no lies and secrets in a relationship..
    SuperrMommyy

    Answer by SuperrMommyy at 10:50 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • How do you know he's not cheating? What reason does he have to go to his ex-wife's? I think he should sit down and explain it to you. He should be worried baout your feelings as well and try to ease that anxiousness you have.
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 10:58 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • wow, well i dont blame you for not believing him or trusting him.Are you happy & in love w/him?
    gabby06

    Answer by gabby06 at 10:59 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • I definately would NOT trust him. For him to pretend to go to the store for a Coke. Please! Tell him to drink water and save the gas money for a dinner date with you!!
    You will never move on from that lie, ever. It's impossible. Everytime he leaves you'll start thinking he's lying and you'll want to follow him. I was in that type of relationship for 3 years, I couldn't trust him and finally just left. I wasn't putting myself through that anymore. He hurt me emotionally and mentally. That's practically abuse.
    Now I have the best man in the world. I wish I would have met him sooner!!
    You have no reason to "move on" because he's definately still doing it. There is no doubt about that. He's hiding something, something big. And you have every right to worry about where he goes and what he does. Especially since you've already caught him. He should be trying to prove himself to you, instead he's avoiding it.
    AtHomeMommy-3

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 11:00 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • You might want to try to forget about it or it could put a lot of stress on your marriage.... I know how you feel though cause I have a similar situation and I try to just forget about it...... men do not like to tell the truth for some reason, they think that we will get mad at the truth so they avoid it.... I know it is hard to forget toooo... it is always in the back of mind but if you don't forget you will drive yourself crazy......
    juju0707

    Answer by juju0707 at 11:06 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • he was supposedly dropping off hi weekly spousal support cash as he did on Fridays regardless of whether she was there or not as he had a key to her condo.  He said he didn't want to involve me in it (their financial divorce agreement,etc) or drag me into it.  Why not just ask me if I wanted to ride w/him and sit in the car while he went inside?  and the after cover up was so hurtfull..just seemed to me he put alot of thought into lying to me.  to make matters worse, he's a pretty high level traveling sales guy usually gone 2-3 days every week..i've always wondered now if he lies to me when i'm around what does he do when he knows i'll never know??  like I said, this was 7 years ago & i'll go for months & not even think about it then he makes some remark about a female co-worker or any female in general and i'm off to the races...it makes me crazy..i just want peace of mind!

    jacnit

    Answer by jacnit at 11:10 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • and yes I do love him...our kids are grown & i just feel like i should be having the time of my life..our life. Instead, I get consumed by this frequently & would love to know how to control these emotions.
    jacnit

    Answer by jacnit at 11:16 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • Sounds like he's playing you and I wouldn't trust him either. Think a long talk is what is needed and if you don't get the answers (pay attention to body language too!) that you want, I would say he's not into honoring his marriage vows.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 11:46 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • If he apologized sincerely, then you do need to move on. Its been 6 years, and its time to either let it go, or leave the marriage. My ex always held even little things over my head and it got really old, really quick. If you have forgiven him, you need to let it go and truly forgive him not keep beating him over the head with it. If you can't trust him, and you can't let it go, leave. Don't make both of you miserable over something that happened 6 years ago.
    hobbitswife04

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 12:50 PM on Oct. 12, 2010

  • The problem is not with him, its with you. Your husband is allowed to talk with other females, just like you are allowed to talk with other males...its your self confidence and your self esteem that needs adjustment. He went over to his ex-wife's house six years ago. You happend to follow him, therefore, you knew that either he couldn't be trusted OR you had your own doubts and issues with trusting him because he couldn't be honest with you. Its been six years since this has happend and you are still holding on to the pain of it all, why are you still holding on to what happend six years ago? If the man that you are with is a man you cannot trust, why continue putting yourself through the misery? Life is GREAT!!! And when you love someone, life is even better. Being with someone and being miserable is NOT what life & love is about...trusting and having a marriage built on happiness is a wonderful thing..
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:28 PM on Oct. 12, 2010

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