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How do I get rid of my feelings of resentment?

My SIL is pregnant, Her and her partner have move 3hrs away from the family to start a new life. The first child that they had was placed in a adoptive family as they were both too young and involved in drugs and problems with the law. They are trying to piece her life back together. But both were still involved in heavy smoking and drinking.
I have been baby crazy for a year, and my husband and I are almost to a place to start ttc. My husband has told his sister that if they can't handle the baby that we will take it from them. He has said that we should put off TTC until her situation is more solid.
I want to both take their child because I know that my husband and I are "better" equipp to raise a child, and annoyed because I would like to get "my" family started. And that they could just get pregnant willy nilly with no concern for their future child or their own situation.
How do I get rid of my feelings of resentment


Asked by Opie99 at 2:34 AM on Oct. 13, 2010 in Adoption

Level 12 (880 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • My amom never got over her desire to have one of her 'own' children, even with adoption of me.
    My adad was the infertile one, and so when her desire wasn't fulfilled in parenting someone elses baby, she and adad made a plan to used a donor to get pregnant in an unconventional way (affair) in 1965.

    Growing up and being reminded regularly that adopted wasn't enough to cure her desire to be a mother was very difficult. I have empathy for you wanting to be a mom. But as someone who's lived 'you're not real', I hope you can find a way to heal on your own before you put the burden on an adopted child to heal you.

    Answer by adopteeme at 9:15 AM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I have read over and over and over again that infertile couples need to deal with their infertility and grieve the birth children they will never have before they can be be ready to adopt. I have posted time and agian asking how this is possible but have yet to receive a satisfactory answer. So my answer to you is . IDK. sorry

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:50 AM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • than I do, however... asking someone for their child is just wrong. Period. If they are trying to get their lives on track, then it is their right to parent their own child. Period. How would you feel is someone came to you and asked you to give them your child? It would most likely infuriate and hurt you greatly. That is probably how your SIL feels about your DH's request. Do not hinge your life on someone's fertility. It is not your SIL's job to provide you with a child. It took me a long time to come to this fertility does not effect anyone else but me and my husband. It is very dangerous thinking to assume that you will be a better parent than someone in regards to their child. You are not entitled to a child...I know this is harsh, but as an adoptive parent and a bio parent I understand this now. We have gone on to have a 2nd child ( bio) so I see both sides.
    You do need to move on and focus on you. GL!

    Answer by mcginnisc at 8:41 AM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • That sounds really tough. :( I know that my DH and I are not yet in a place to start TTC, and I feel resentment toward every single pregnant woman I see. Every one of my female cousins are pregnant - there are 6 of them and 4 are teenagers. I hear you, about everyone else being able to get pregnant willy nilly and you're trying to be responsible and it's hard.

    For me, it's a daily battle. I have thrown myself into doing little things for my pregnant friends and family - offering them research and helping them to set up their cribs. It sounds counterintuitive, but it has been helpful for me. I'm also considering learning to knit or sew so that I can send some of my baby-crazy energy their way by giving them handmade blankets and such.

    I hope you're able to harbor your resentment, mama. Rest assured someone knows how you feel.

    Answer by WomanWitty at 8:50 AM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • Great response adopteeme. I am thankful to learn from your situation and thank you for sharing. As for OP, please take some serious time and do some soul searching. You have requested to raise your niece/nephew and while that is noble it makes me sad. Let them know you are there to help and support. Maybe their move is a good thing as they needed to get away from bad influences. The comment that you would like to get "my" family started is what pained me the most. If you were to raise that child, that would be the start of your family. Don't offer with plans of resentment and feelings that a baby would not be loved the same because you did not give birth. I wish you well, but please, think about your current situation before you move forward.

    Answer by love2snorkel70 at 3:48 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • OP:

    Are you infertile? I took from your post that you were not yet trying to conceive because your husband wanted to wait unil you knew things were settled.

    I see how the bandwagon jumped all over how Amoms dont resolve their feeiings of infertility (ie. the bible according to Nancy Verrier) but it doesnt even sound like you have tried to conceive for any real time.  

    Your feelings of frustration are common place, there are people who go through their entire life by the seat of their pants, never giving any real thought to decisions and there are people who plan every detail. Such is life.    


    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 10:31 AM on Oct. 14, 2010

  • I have been in your shoes...kinda...
    Dh and I ttc for 7 years before finally getting pregnant on Clomid. I would see all of these young girls having babies and here I was married for years and not being able to do what some could do so naturally. I was so upset when Dh's BIL and his wife got pregnant. I cried for days. Then, I realized that I was going to be the GREATEST aunt ever to their child. Period. I had to put away my unhappiness and be there for her as she had a terrible pregnancy. I fell in love with that little girl from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I was the first person to see her after her parents...she was literally minutes old when I saw her. I got pregnant a week later...sadly, our dd was stillborn at 36 weeks.
    Dh and I began the adoption process 2 years later and it was another 2 years before we brought our dd home from China. It took us 11 1/2 years to become parents.
    You know the situation better

    Answer by mcginnisc at 8:36 AM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • "The comment that you would like to get "my" family started is what pained me the most. If you were to raise that child, that would be the start of your family. " love2snorkel70

    It got me, too. OP, I would not advise you to get involved in this family situation. Like onethentwins said, you have to come to terms with your own infertility before you can parent another person's child, adopted or not. As a foster parent, we were quizzed off about how exactly we came to terms with our infertility before we were approved to be foster/adopt parents. It's hard to explain, but your desire to parent has to outweigh your desire to have your own baby. Otherwise you are asking the BABY to heal your wounds. That's not a baby's job.

    I understand about "It's not fair...." I remember that from years ago. But honestly, if you are feeling that you must have biological children to be a mother, then stick to that for now.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:47 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • Ok just to clear some things up,

    We have not asked to have just take their baby. We will however take custody of the child IF both my SIL and BIL cannot care for their child. Both of them are battling very severe addiction and have be in and out of jail for at least the past 10 yrs. I know that she is not clean now and that frankly worries me, for her health and the child growing in her. 


    Comment by Opie99 (original poster) at 1:30 AM on Oct. 14, 2010

  • p> Were my husband and I to take care of their child, it would be my honor and privileged to be trusted in that manner. 

    Am I flusterd by their desion to get pregnant, when neither of them have jobs or a place to live. YES.

    My SIL main desire to get back together with her man was to get pregnant and raise a child to "replace" the child that they (as a couple) gave up for adoption when she was 14. She told me this, was her desire.


    Comment by Opie99 (original poster) at 1:31 AM on Oct. 14, 2010

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