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How can I go about doing this? (kind of long) I will also answer any questions you may have so if you ask any be sure to look back for answers.

My oldest wants to write her bio-dad a letter. The only way I know how to contact him is through FB. I though about setting up a account for her but she is only 9(almost 10) and let her write one that way. What would you do? We don't have a mailing address for him. He has not even seen her 1 time since she has been born. I know (from his mouth) he wants nothing to do with her, but she still wants to write him. She wants to let him know about how she feels about him and that she wants her daddy(my husband) who has been in her life since she was 9 months old to adopt her. Of course he does not care about that and is more then willing to give up his rights to her, but she has so many questions that need answers and only he can answer for himself. Would you set up a FB account for her?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:45 PM on Oct. 13, 2010 in Parenting Debate

This question is closed.
Answers (22)
  • I still would not do it. She has been rejected by him. He refused to give the address to you so she could send him a letter. My GOD can you imagine how mean he could/will be to her on facebook? No matter how much she thinks she is ready for it, she isn't.
    Help her see how lucky she is that she has her step dad and try to help her move on.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 7:03 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • No, i dont think she needs a FB to talk to him. If i were her mom, i'd contact him myself through facebook and get his address. That, or copy her letter to him by FB. I dont see why she needs her own account to do it, kwim?

    Answer by MommaTurbo at 6:47 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I still wouldn't do it either - life is full of disappointments and I would rather my daughter be disappointed that I couldn't find contact information rather than the disappointment and deep psychological issues generated by being directly rejected by the man who sired her.

    It's really odd that they won't give out a mailing address - really odd. That sends up all kinds of red flags in my mind and there isn't ANYWAY I would expose one of my children to that kind of unstable situation. The risk is high and the chance of benefit seems incredibly low. I think I'd also be a tad bit embarrassed for her to find out the actual character of the man I chose to be her father.


    Answer by Dr.Donna at 7:19 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • No I would not.

    I think at her age she is too young to go through whatever he would do or say. Because his reaction is too unpredictable at this point I would not allow it. I am all for her contacting him when she is older. But between ages 9-16 kids need reassuring and who knows what his reaction will be. It is better for her to be mad at you for keeping her away from him then for her to be devastated because he flat out rejected her.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 6:50 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I agree with MamBD65. I would allow her to write him through my fb page. That way, when he writes back, I could prescreen what he wrote in order to protect her from what he may say.

    Answer by CJM_SHM at 6:50 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • only for that purpose and only if I could not get his mailing address and then I would delete it after a few weeks if there was no reply.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:47 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • No, I would not set up an account for her. If you have him as a friend on fb then let her do it thru your account so you can 'monitor' the conversations (in case he gets too rude and hurtful).

    Answer by MamaBD65 at 6:48 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I probably would, if that is the only way to get a message to him. She has questions and he needs to be man enough to face them. That is the least he could do for her. Goes without saying, but do monitor the account closely if you keep it open for her.She is most likely going to have some hurt feelings after dealing with him, but it sounds like she has a great support system --you and your husband. I hope her biological father does the right thing and answers here questions, then relinquishes rights so your dh can legally adopt her. Good luck!

    Answer by duckigrrl at 6:50 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I wouldn't set up a fb account for her. One, I would want to be able to moderate the response she got. If he sent a letter that was just hurtful and not something she needed to see, I'd like the option to be able to throw that piece of trash away in such a way that she could NEVER stumble across it in the future.

    I agree with the other posters - you contact him and ask for a mailing address. If he provides it, no worries and keep an eye out for a response. If he refuses, tell her to write her letter even though you don't have an address. Be honest with her (you don't have an address to which to mail), but that sometimes writing stuff down can be helpful.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 6:52 PM on Oct. 13, 2010

  • I think that is a great idea to set it up and not give her the password so you can be there with her while she is on it. I am sorry your daughter is dealing with something like that but she has the right to know so def let her ask. I'm sure she is a smart girl and will know not let anything he says get her down.

    Answer by jroseh68 at 6:58 PM on Oct. 13, 2010