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2 Bumps

please answer honestly

my sil lost a child in her third tri, my one friend lost it durning labor and i had lost mine two weeks after i found out. my question is, how do comfort the ones who went farther along than those who had it happen in the first few weeks?

 
noel1978

Asked by noel1978 at 9:50 AM on Oct. 15, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 24 (20,417 Credits)
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Answers (13)
  • Whether you want to agree with me or not,I felt that my losing my daughter at 34 weeks was worse than a woman losing a child in the 1st trimester. I held my daughter. She was perfect.
    Your SIL is in denial. She's angry and confused. Just be there for her. Help her with food and chores.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:21 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I think it varies in the kind of comfort needed. A woman who loses her baby early on is usually thinking "why aren't I supposed to have a baby" whereas one who carries it so long is more so thinking "what did I do wrong to lose her/him?" Maybe the kind of comfort she needs is reassurance that its not her fault and that sometimes bad things happen.
    an-apple-a-day

    Answer by an-apple-a-day at 10:04 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • i don't think you can gauge comfort by determining who needs it most. who's to say which mother is grieving more or less?
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 9:53 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I'm not so sure there would be any difference in the level of comfort. Any mother who loses a child will feel the same way, regardless if it was 2, 36 weeks or at birth. I would just offer my condolences and let them know I am here if they need anything.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 9:54 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • You all lost babies, that alone has to be something to bring you all together.... Just be there to listen, and realize that you're not alone in this.. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I can't imagine your pain or theirs.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:55 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • sorry i prased it wrong. my friend said that i couldn't comfort her cuz i didn't know what it felt like to lose the baby right in the hospital. she's basically shut herself up and won't talk to anyone. i just want to make sure she doesn't try anything. this was her first.
    noel1978

    Comment by noel1978 (original poster) at 9:57 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • based on your second comment I'd say she probably just isn't ready to receive comfort yet and is isolating herself for that reason.
    try not to take it personally, eventually she will be able to come out and you can be there for each other.
    In the meantime, find people that you can process your emotions with
    elizabiza

    Answer by elizabiza at 10:32 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • Just let them know you are there and you are sorry.....I grieved my wee ones that I lost early on.....there is no right or wrong when it comes to grief....people have different levels and there is no "appropriate" amount...
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 10:43 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • Keep your distance if that is what she wants right now. If you can accept what she says and does in grief you will be a godsend to her. Help in any way you can. Take her flowers if she likes them and will see you. Do the sweet things you know might help her. You are a good friend.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 10:50 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I have lost 5 in the first trimester also and I have 3 children. My opinion is that it would have been much much more difficult to deal with losing them later on in the pregnancy. After the end of the 2nd and into the 3rd trimester you have felt the movement of the baby, you've felt the kicks and hiccups. You bond with the baby during those times more than ever before. And for the one who lost hers after birth - I just cannot fathom going through labor and delivery in addition to all the other experiences only to have the baby not make it. Right now all of you have losses to grieve. Don't get in pissing matches about who's is worse. Take time for your own loss, but also, let your friends know that although all your experiences are different the bottom line is that you are all grieving mothers. When you are feeling better, make small gestures to let them both know you are thinking about them, their experiences both now and then
    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 11:49 AM on Oct. 15, 2010

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