Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

we've been together for 14 yrs (almost) but not married!!!!

we have two kids together and have been together for almost 14 yrs...he proposed to me 6 yrs ago but still no marriage, there's always an excuse . In the last two yrs we've had a lot of ups and downs, but I'm still very much in love with him ( more than ever) I want to get married so badly, but i don't want to pressure him into it, I want him to want it too...how do I do that ? We live as if we were married . We just don't have the license , any advise? Should i give him a time frame or not????

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:10 PM on Oct. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • I think you should give him a time frame. If you really want to get married go for it. Maybe ask him why he keeps putting it off.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 4:12 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • You can't make someone want the same things you do.

    It's been 14 years, he has his reasons for not marrying you at this point.. Flat out ask him for those reasons.

    At this point.. After 14 years, why is having that license so important to you? How would the state legally acknowledging your relationship affect it at this point? Share those reasons with him. And find out from him what his reasons are for not finding that important.. See where the two of you are in regards to your views, and reasons as to why. Then maybe you guys can work together towards a compromise, agreement or understanding.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:14 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • If he's not ready to get married, you can't make him do it. He'll only do it if he wants to. But honestly, if he wasn't ready to get married, why did he even ask you? But maybe since you guys have been together for so long, he feels comfortable with the way everything is now. Maybe he's concerned that marriage would jeopardize what you have. Maybe you should just talk to him about it and tell him your feelings. Tell him that it's important to you to get married and you don't want to wait forever. Good luck.
    poptart0325

    Answer by poptart0325 at 4:14 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and see what the turn off is for him.
    Jessica157

    Answer by Jessica157 at 4:15 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • and if i do give him a time frame and we don't get married , then what do i leave him , when i love him so much and we have two kids together???
    angie3897

    Answer by angie3897 at 4:15 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • my au nt and her guy have been together for about 20 years and they're sooooooooooooo in love, but yet not married. i dont think a piece of paper saying you are bound to each other by law is so important, sure its awesome to be married but can you really tell the difference when you're with him? does the thought "im not married to you,..." or "this would be so much more fun if we were married" pop into your head when you're out doing things?
    its not as important as you think.
    mywonderyears

    Answer by mywonderyears at 4:17 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I have no issue either way, if you want to live the way you are or get married, to each his own, but obviously this is important to you. The question is, is it a deal breaker? I would not give him an ultimatum, nobody on the planet likes that, but I would sit down and talk to him, tell him why it is so important to you why it means so much to you, etc... in a nice and loving way. Ask him what the real reason is that he doesn't want to get married, after 6 years of excuses its time he comes clean. After you both have a productive talk, you need to decide what is best for the two of you. Again, unless you are prepared to leave him if he doesn't officially marry you, don't give an ultimatum. If given the choice of living the way you are happily forever or leaving him if he doesn't marry you by X date, which would you choose? Cont....
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 4:18 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • You know some men just don't think that they need that piece of paper to be commited in a relationship and maybe he's one of them. After this long he might feel like there is no need to follow through when he is having his cake and eating it too so to speak. He's probably just content to keep doing what he's doing.
    The next thing is are you going to stay happy with your situation or rock the boat? Only you can decide what you think is the most important thing for you and what risks you are willing to take.
    Moms_Angels1960

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 4:18 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • I have a very close friend in a similar situation...together sheesh, 12+ years, they own a home together, have a child together. Their relationship almost fell apart about mid-way through because of her pressuring him to marry and him not wanting to marry...not because she isn't the one, but because he's very alternative and the license means nothing to him, its kind of his way of saying eff you to the system I guess. Anyway, she eventually realized what was most important to her, and that was their relationship, not a wedding, so she let it go and they are probably one of the happiest most stable couples I know, married or not married. Just some food for thought.
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 4:20 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

  • no...it just saddens me , and makes me feel like maybe he don't love me the way i love him, it also makes me feel like maybe he's with me because of the kids...it makes me feel insecure!!!!!
    angie3897

    Answer by angie3897 at 4:21 PM on Oct. 15, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN