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Why say something so hurtful?

I have heard firstmoms say that they don't like to hear that it was "God's plan" that their babies were placed for adoption. It really hurts them and I can see why.



But you know what else hurts? When someone says that women who are "barren" (what an antiquated term!) are that way "for a reason" that "God must have wanted it that way".



I don't believe God wants any woman who loves children to be childless. I don't think it's "His plan" for them to be childless because of adoption OR infertility...



Why do any of us have to say things like the above when you KNOW good and well that you are hurting someone when you say it?



Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:31 PM on Oct. 27, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (16)
  • Because sometimes people say mean things to make themselves feel better. Then again sometimes they are really not trying to be mean the other person is just overly sensitive on the subject.
    imtheonlysane1

    Answer by imtheonlysane1 at 10:34 PM on Oct. 27, 2008

  • If you look at it that ALL of what happens to us is Gods plan. the good is from God, and the bad is from God for a lesson or to be stronger. So both sides are in Gods plan and with out the pain of not being able to birth a child, and not being able to keep your child adoption in many cases would not happen. Hope that helps you some:)
    p6cakes

    Answer by p6cakes at 10:36 PM on Oct. 27, 2008

  • I often wonder why people would say that, I know God doesn't want any of that for anyone. Unfortunately we live in a fallen world, and in such, things like that are a part of life.
    dedicatedrider

    Answer by dedicatedrider at 10:36 PM on Oct. 27, 2008

  • I see what you're saying "imtheonlysane1" and yet....if someone says an infertile woman must be that way "because God had a reason" the implication to me is "you wouldn't be a good parent" and that is very hurtful.

    What other way could a statement like that be construed, you know? :o(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on Oct. 27, 2008

  • I don't agree with that at all, anonymous 10:05pm....I knew from the age of 18 that I couldn't have kids and when I would get depressed or upset about it I would always say to myself "What is God's plan? What reason did he have to take away my ability to have kids?" Well, 12 years later I found out...I am the mommy of two little girls, both adopted, and THEY are the reason I couldn't have kids naturally. I feel lucky to know that He chose me to raise these two wonderful little babies, and they couldn't have turned out more like me if I had given birth to them myself LOL!
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 12:26 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Just because you can't have kids naturally, doesn't mean that God doesn't have a plan for you! I do NOT think it implies that someone would be a bad parent...I think it means that you were chosen to be a mommy to a special little person that needs all the love that you have waited so long to give to a child. However, I don't believe I would be saying it was "God's plan" to a birth mother. I could totally see how that would be hurtful to them.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 12:26 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I think it's because people don't know what to say. They try to be reassuring and positive, but it comes across as hurtful. I have bio children and adopted children and have dealt with secondary infertility and trust me....people say hurtful things all the time. "relax, you'll have kids when it's God's timing." or after suffering a miscarriage "you're young, you'll have another one." I've learned that unless you truly have something meaningful to say, or an experience to share, it's best to keep your mouth shut and just listen.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:04 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I know what post you are talking about. Maybe moms who have adoption in their path are to take care of the BABIES woman who could give birth, but chose not to parent them, could be their to raise their BABY.

    Its like saying a Birthmom was meant to have kids for some one else to raise. It hurts just as much to say that about a birthmom as it does to say that an adoptive mom is childless because she deserves it. But I gues their pain is more real, or they have permission to be mean because they made a huge sacrifice.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I wholeheartedly agree with you. I think it's a wicked thing to imply it's Gods will that a woman cant have children or to imply that women deserve to be infertile because of choices they made when they were young.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:23 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • I do not believe it is "God's Plan" for anyone to be infertile. One problem that many people have, however, is that they don't see that God made women their most fertile between the ages of 16 and 27 for a reason. Maybe we don't know what that reason is -- I certainly don't know the mind of God, but I think it had to do with human living very short lifespans (In 1900, the average life expectancy for an American citizen was 47 years of age and women needed time to be grandmas to their grandchilden). So, unfortunately, age is a common cause of infertility, as a woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have, and like all cells, they have a limited lifespan. So infertiltiy is never God's will, but waiting until your 30s and then trying to become pregnant may not be possible for many women. Young motherhood should be encouraged, not despised.


    Momzilla4

    Answer by Momzilla4 at 3:20 PM on Oct. 29, 2008

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