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Am I being a bad mom?

I just got my 12 yr old back from her dad (my 1st exhusband) who withheld her from me for almost a year. We have joint custody AND placement. We agreed I could have her for the school year and then he backed out - but long story short, I just got her back a few weeks ago. While I didn't have her he only let me talk to her twice and once his mom let me talk to her - in 10 friggin months!!

Here's the question: They are calling all the time for her and of course, I have caller id. She doesn't want to talk to them and most of the time I let the answering machine take the call. Should I tell her everytime they call - not at all or somewhere in between?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:22 AM on Oct. 28, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Usually at 11 years of age the child is allowed by the court to choose the parent they want to live with, if she doesn't want to talk to them or be around them, you can go back to court and let her tell the judge she doesn't want to live with them and have the arrangement changed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I would tell her that they have called and then you have covered all your bases. That way your daughter can never come back to you and say that you never told her. I have a 12 year old boy and with all the hormones flying around life is already difficult. Thats just my opinion. Good luck!

    Answer by Britmum72 at 12:32 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Hmm. Well, I think 12 is old enough to decide whether or not she wants to talk to them. If she really doesn't want to speak with them and you don't either, I say let it ring! Just tell her to let you know if she ever wants to talk to them. If so than she can call them, but you don't have to tell her every time they call. It's not like your hiding it from her since you already know she doesn't care when they call.

    Answer by jessicarae787 at 12:34 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Good answer jessicarae787!!!! I agree.

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 12:37 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I think you should tell her. As the previous poster said, 12 is an age to know what she wants. Plus you're not with holding that from her. You don't want them to use that against you if he decides to fight for her again. He could say he would call her but you don't let him talk to her. Good Luck!

    Answer by NiqNaq23 at 2:41 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • At 12 they will let her stand up in court and state her own wishes, so give her the respect at home. Keep her informed, but don't overwhelm her with details. They are still family, let her make informed choices about their involvement in her life.

    Answer by mtnmama111 at 4:49 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • What if she told them she didn't want to talk to you for that time too? I'm sure you would've wanted to talk to her anyway (I think I would). I say keep her informed, tell her its okay if she wants to talk to them, that whatever problems that you have with her other side of the family is between you and them, not her and them so she doesn't feel like she has to choose (whether she tells you she is feeling that way or not).

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:50 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • 12 is old enough to decide and 12 is also old enough to understand the truth. Why hide the fact that they are calling. Why be like he was and keep things hidden. Show her that when she is with you all the cards are on the table and that you want an honest and open relationship with her. She will respect that more than anything.

    Answer by salexander at 10:12 AM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Most of the time when I tell her they've called she gets mad. Last time, her statement was "GEEEZE! Can't they find anything better to do?" Of course, I am happy with this attitude, but I don't let on that I am. I just tell her that they probably are curious as to how she's doing, to which she says "I'm fine! I am with my MOTHER!"
    I have never spoken an ill word about her dad, his wife or his parents to her or in front of her (by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life) so she would realize as she got older who the "bad" guy really was. This is why I am wondering if I am handling this ok. My dd has bi-polar and her welfare are far more important to me than belittling her dad to her and trying to "score points".

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on Oct. 28, 2008