Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

I need advice about loss?

On August 12, 2010, my husband along with another miner lost their lives in a tragic mining accident in Elko, Nevada. I have become awesome friends with the other wife which gives me a great comfort that I dont have to go through this completely alone. But what I am dealing with right now, is the fact that I have not got my husbands remains and am being told with dna it will be jan 31, before i get them. I have not gotten the death certificate yet either. So frustrating! I have accepted the fact, I think, but I havent really been able to grieve yet. The drs seem to think I have PTSD, and told me that its been over two months so I should be done grieving i am just stressed now? I guess what I am asking, has anyone lost a spouse that can give me some advice? Thank you!

Answer Question
 
dolphinkisses

Asked by dolphinkisses at 3:35 AM on Oct. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (31 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • You've got to be kidding me. Who are they to say how long it takes someone to grieve? That makes me want to smack them for you. I am so so sorry for your loss.

    I lost my DH to leukemia 5.5 years ago. I can see how not having his remains, or the finalization of his death is especially hard on you. It takes many widows a year or more to be able to not be actively grieving and allow the ache to dull. People who haven't experienced this really just don't know what they're talking about - I've had many stupid things said to me. I wish I knew something to better to help, but the best advice I can give you is something I wasn't told. It's okay to grieve, it's okay to cry. You deserve to not always be the strong one for your kids. Crying does not make you weak. Hugs.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 3:42 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • Everyone in my family is also concerned because i havent done anything with his stuff yet....I have it just the way he left it around the house. When were you able to pack his things up? If you dont mind me asking?
    dolphinkisses

    Comment by dolphinkisses (original poster) at 3:46 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • it's ok to cry and to grieve but you also dont have to forget all that it left behind...stay strong and keep on praying God will never leave you nor abandon you...
    neng999

    Answer by neng999 at 3:49 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • To be honest, it took me close to a year before I could clear his things out of the closet and put them away. It took til this past year when we moved for me to be able to actually donate his clothes to Goodwill - as it is, I refused to 'be aware' of what was taking place by having my mom do it for me. I still have little notes he jotted down saved. You'll know when you're ready. No one else can decide this for you.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 3:49 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I haven't lost a spouse (or ex spouse) but I have lost 2 children and it never goes away!!! It does lessen with time but you really havent had much yet. Give it more time and do things on your schedule.
    My question is have you had trouble getting any help since you don't have a death certificate? Has the mining company helped your family financially at all? Have you had any services?
    mom2priceboys

    Answer by mom2priceboys at 4:36 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • Oh and btw I too was diagnosed with PTSD a few years after my 2nd child died. (I have his identical twin) careful they don't just dope you with meds for too long!!!
    mom2priceboys

    Answer by mom2priceboys at 4:38 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • You are not done grieving.....whoever told you that didn't know what he/she was talking about....the grieving process is individual and unique....it sounds like you need to get his remains and a certificate to have some sort of closure....tangible evidence that he is really gone....and the doctor's are being insensitive as is very common in our culture where death is not accepted well and almost denied...grieve, hon,......it may get easier as time goes on....perhaps some sort of goodbye ritual now instead of waiting for his remains...take care...
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 6:56 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • There is no timetable for grief. I have not lost a spouse but 2 of my friends have. They have told me that the best things were friends to talk to, knowing people who DID NOT tell them they should be over "it" already, and being able to express whatever emotion they have. You will find that some people will be willing to listen no matter what and others can not. Depend on the ones who make you feel comfortable. Sort through his things whenever you can. Just do a little at a time and save whatever momentos are dear to you. It doesn't matter how long it takes. It should be done on your personal schedule.

    You now have to develop a new "normal" and it will take time. Every single thing will be a new experience for you as you do it alone. You might want to start some new traditions with the other wife you mentioned. I am so sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself and take your time with this.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 7:28 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • Everyone is different in how long they grieve, but the loss of a loved one never completely goes away. I am about to lose my husband of 22 years to cancer and I know I'm scared to be alone, scared to go on without him - he's all I've known for half of my life and my best friend to boot. However, I know I have to continue on for my DD's sake, but that doesn't mean I won't have "moments" from time to time, I'm sure. Certain situations, or songs, or whatever, can trigger someone to grieve even just a little after losing a loved one. In your case, I would assume it's harder because it was a sudden thing and you weren't able to truly say good-bye. No, I think your doctors are those who just like to over-medicate people and as far as your family, they need to be more supportive and back off on you keeping his things. You don't have your closure yet and they need to realize that. God bless you and I'm sorry about your loss.
    TeensMom07

    Answer by TeensMom07 at 7:50 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I think the dr. you are seeing is crazy. No one can tell you that you should be done grieving in any certain amount of time. While there does come a time when we need to be able to move on, everyone grieves differently and no one should tell us that after only two months you should be over it. Check out this website for some good resources http://www.johgriefsupport.org/resources.htm it's a grief support group that one of the counselors that used to work at the high school I work at runs and he's amazing. You might find some helpful information and support there. Best of luck to you and I'm sorry for your loss.
    KimPippin

    Answer by KimPippin at 11:15 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.