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3 Bumps

Sneaking up on me is not working out.... adult content

Ok, my husband and I have had problems with this in the past. He has this habit of waking up at all hours and trying to have sex with me (or at least get me going) while I'm still asleep. Instead of this being fun for me it scares the hell out of because I'm a rape victim and, even tho I know it's him, it scares me at first because I'm exhausted and it doesn't quite click he's not trying to hurt me. Things were fine for a while, but last night he did this not once, but three times, and when when I rolled over to tell him how it made me feel he just asked if he was going to "get any" today. This is really out of character for him and it's kind of bothering me, it's like he's trying to freak me out and make me uncomfortable. I need serious advice here, he just stormed out because he feels like I'm "picking on him" and it's not like we never have sex, I just feel like it should be nice for both of us, not terrifying for me.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:54 AM on Oct. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Make him sleep in the dog house until he can respect your feelings.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 10:56 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I suggest counseling for BOTH of you. What he is doing is just plain mean and it sounds like you need someone to help you overcome or deal with the rape. Once in counseling, you can see if he will change and if not, if the relationship is worth saving. I could not live with someone who knows that what he is doing scares me, yet he keeps doing it.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:56 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • Sounds like he doesn't get it. Talk to him during the day light, do your very best to stay clam. Find out why he enjoys to walk you up in the night. He might simply be insensitive and be bored at night. I hope you two can come to a viable solution.
    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 10:59 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I recommend having a talk with him about your past and how and why you feel the way you do when he does that. Be honest and open. And start the conversation when he is not horny. Trying to tell him while he is trying to have sex with you feels a lot like rejection. He is vulnerable at that time, so wait for a more appropriate moment and make sure you do it soon. Use "I" messages and don't blame him.

    Good luck!
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 10:59 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • maybe he is just trying to have intimacy and closeness with you, and that it is not all about the sex. men have very fragile egos and while he knows you were raped it still likely causes him a lot of insecurity and issues to "be rebuffed" even though he should logically understand it better. i do think the counceling suggestion is a good one. it sounds like he really doesnt understand the harm that being raped has done to you. and i think you need counceling as well to move on past it. you are not the same person anymore and its time to stop letting what someone did to you hurt your life now
    BlacksheepSati

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 11:02 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • Tell him. "No waking me up in the middle of the night to have sex". I informed my DH a long time ago of this issue. I told him I did not care if he liked it or not. That this was my rule. If he want some, he better get some before I go to sleep or forget it tell tomorow.
    Sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Sence then I have never had a problem. If he get mad about it just tell him he can get mad about it all he want. But he better not try anything while you are asleep. If you told him about the rape thing and he does not care, he is a ass.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:03 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • His actions seem pretty nasty if you ask me. He should not expect that from you especially given your history.. And i dont think counselling is a bad option, i actually think it would be good for you to get guidance on overcoming this horrible event that you had endured, if you can get couple counselling that would be a good option too, but he would need to take it seriously and commit to it.. and unfortunately men just dont get counselling, they dont understand it or the need for it.. talk to him in the day time and tell him how it makes you feel and you dont appreciate feeling guilty that you dont submit to his demands. those actions alone, can bring back memories of rape. I have been raped myself and I know how awful it is. If he can't respect you or understand you then don't give him any. Still the issue needs to be fixed. I think you may need to get outside help, if it gets to that point..
    Weldo1983

    Answer by Weldo1983 at 11:36 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • He stormed out because he knows he's wrong and can't admit it so he's trying to turn it back around on you. It's likely that he can't admit it because some part of him is enjoying the situation and deep deep down, he knows that's not healthy. Maybe he thinks he can change your mind about the activity, maybe it boosts his ego to have you give in to something that you didn't initially want, maybe he's afraid of rejection so he feels safer starting things up when you're sleeping. Whatever his reasons are, none of them are good enough to condone an activity that disturbs you so much. Lay down some boundaries and state that if those boundaries are violated, you will insist on both of you attending counseling and if he will not go to counseling at that point, you will leave. At that point, it's his choice: respect your boundaries, face his demons or lose you. Period.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 11:43 AM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • my husband used to do that i wasnt a rape victim but i was beat growing up badley by my srepfather so when he grabs or touched me while im sleeping i wake up screaming and trying to hit him thinkin its my stepdad after the third blackeye i gave him trying to protect myself we sat down and i explained that something about him doing that sent me in2 a panic and protection mode he has stopped and now just says my name to wake me up b4 the touches me. funny thing is my son can come in the room and touch me and it dont bother i guess its the dif in the touch. best of luck i hope it works out i no how it feels sleeping but fearing at the same time
    Hbabygirl476

    Answer by Hbabygirl476 at 2:44 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

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