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3 Bumps

If you did it...what would you do if your child did?

I am not a parent yet (hopefully somewhat soon), but some posts and responses has made me wonder...and I'm not judging...
1. If you smoke, what will you do if you catch your young children-teen years old smoking? What about other drugs (I know several parents that smoke pot or do pills, etc...I DO NOT for those wondering). What about drinking?
2. If you had sex before marriage (after high school), what will you do if you find out your adult child is doing the same?
3. and for that matter...if you had sex while in high school, what if your child does the same?
4. And many other questions regarding similar topics. I know that it can be a "Do as I say, not as I do" situation and there are explanations (pregnancy, lung cancer, etc), but how can you really punish your child for doing something that you did too when you were old enough to understand the consequences?
And I'm curious as to how I'm going to handle it as well...


Asked by dlandrum at 8:12 PM on Oct. 17, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 17 (3,406 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (22)
  • Well, I don't get upset about this stuff, and I don't expect my kids not to do them. If they are of a legal age and decide to smoke, that's their choice, it doesn't bother me. I tend to encourage sex before marriage, I don't think you should ever date someone you aren't going to sleep with, it alters the relationship in the long run and doesn't allow you to make a choice about someone based on every layer of information available. I simply ask that they and their partner are 16+ because I don't want them to be labeled a stat. rapist simply for sleeping with their partner, and that what ever they choose to do they do it safely and don't hide it from me or their father. I'm generally rather free range, if they aren't breaking the law or doing something which will harm them or someone else, I see no reason to limit them. That said, I realize I'm the minority here!

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 8:23 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • My children (all children I should say) are going to make choices, good and bad regardless of if I did something or not. The best you can do is educate your children in the consequences of actions that might not be the best for them, and hope they make the right decisions. Just like some children come from broken homes with messed up parents and end up turning out great, kids that come from great homes with parents who don't have a bad past (or present) can turn out taking a turn for the worst. We just have to hope our kids rise above peer pressure and wanting to be like others and make choices for their individual selves.

    Answer by Nanixh at 8:28 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I wouldn't punish her for doing it, but I would punish her for 1. Not telling me so she could get on bc and 2. Not using a condom.

    I did experiment drugs, but I learned. Fortunately, I didn't get addicted which runs highly on both sides of my family (I was adopted, so I didn't know til I was older). There is a HUGE risk for her with that, so yah there would be repercussions for experimenting.

    Eh. Kids will be kids. They will do what they will. My Mom handled it in such a good way. She didn't want us to have pre-marital sex, or even sex in teens, but she knew it was likely to happen. I will simply tell her that she needs to wait until the right one comes along, and that doesn't mean the first Tom, Dick or Harry. =)

    Answer by Glamourina at 8:20 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • 1) I never smoked. DH stopped smoking last year and the kids were involved in the process. They know it damaged him for life and also took the life of my Grandpa.

    2) I was a super slut before meeting my husband. Lots of sex, lots of risky behavior. However, I am only the 3rd sexual partner my husband has ever had and we did not make love til our wedding night. I plan on being about 90% honest with them and letting them know how amazing it was waiting till we were married and how cheated we both felt that we hadn't REALLY saved ourselves. ... I also plan on showing live birth videos, abortion info, STD photos and details, etc.

    3) It is unlikely my children will have sex in highschool. They'll have no phone or social networking access and afterschool and weekends will be filled with a job and/or sports, dance, music, church, art classes, etc etc to keep them on task and busy and in groups where adults are present.

    Answer by hibbingmom at 8:21 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • My Mom had an open door policy for us. She wanted us to wait, but of course she knew most teens would not. So when we would start thinking about our first time, and think the time was approaching, she'd take us to get started on birth control.

    A lot depends on how you parent. Like if your kids are afraid to talk to you, then of course you have to take a different path with it. But our Mom was so chill with things. She wanted the best for us, but she wasn't naive to what teens did.

    Her style of parenting, even though some would consider it too free, really helped us girls and we had a much closer bond with her than others had with their Moms in adolescence.

    Answer by Glamourina at 8:22 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I will stand by my kids always...they will do things I do not approve of I'm sure...but I want them to learn on their own abouut life

    Answer by Jay05-Zee09Moma at 8:23 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I have and will educate my children on the pros and cons of every choice, and allow them to make their own choices with that knowledge. Are they going to make every choice "correctly," I guess that depends on what you believe is the correct choice. If my DH hadn't screwed up and landed himself in prison at 19, he would have married someone else and lived in a different state. IMO, it may not have been the "right choice" for him at the time, but without it we wouldn't have met, we wouldn't have our children and we wouldn't be the happy family we are... So in the end, was it a "bad choice" -maybe not so much... I believe my children should be free to make their own choices - as long as they are educated on the issues & making the choices they believe are best, I can't find fault in that... It's MY JOB to make sure they have all the information available to make the choices they believe are best, not to make those choices 4 them.

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 8:27 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • to the question how could i punish them for something i did..... my answer to that is not do as i say but as i do... its simple.. for the reason its not good for them. I dont think i could punish for sex b4 marriage (as long as its not like the younger generations that started at like 12) as long as she is safe and for the right reasons.. and if she was pressured (which i will have a talk with her LONG b4 chances) then i cant punish her for that either.. mistakes... but for smoking or drugs or drinking.. its not healthy and it can harm them and also get them into ALOT of trouble.. legally.. so i will punish them until they are 18 for doing these things and even then if they live under my roof i would punish them as fit.. they should learn not to do these things.. at least i should try to teach them bc i wouldnt want them to do them just bc i did.. and for them knowing if i did or not.. CONT

    Answer by Ross2010 at 8:29 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • i dont think i will tell them that i did this or that.. the smoking and drinking.. they will see (if i pick up smoking again) but the other stuff. my parents didnt tell me they did so i wasnt OK with trying it.. and DIDNT until i was 18 so it helped not knowing my parents tried things.. it kept me from trying things..

    Answer by Ross2010 at 8:32 PM on Oct. 17, 2010

  • I had sex before marriage and wouldn't think anything of my adult child is doing the same. Who says marriage is required for sex???? I will only hope my child is truly happy with the person they are sleeping with, AND are SAFE.

     I NEVER smoked, but DH did.long ago. DH's mom also died of lung cancer (also a smoker). We will both be raising our children to see how horrible and disgusting the habit is, not to mention expensive. We hope they make a wise choice, and choose NOT to start the habit.


    Answer by KairisMama at 8:46 PM on Oct. 17, 2010