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recovering from infidelity

before my husband and i were married (3 years ago) i had an ongoing relationship with another man while my husband and i were living together. i stopped seeing this person after months and tons of empty promises of stopping to my now husband. problem is, now he says he cant get over it. he says he regrets our marriage and wants out. i have been in therapy to address the reasons that i was unfaithful to begin with....he wont go to counseling with me. any suggestions to help him build trust and regain his sense of security?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on Oct. 28, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I was reading where when men cheat there is a high rate of success in healing the marriage but when women cheat the men are less likely to forgive. I'm sure you don't want to hear that but it also might be something you may need to realize. I'm not judging you. Goodness knows I'm not perfect! However, it's possible you may have to let go and start the relationship with him all over again starting from scratch. That may even include divorce if he's not willing to work at the marriage for now. It's possible with time he may want to come back and start again. Keep in mind how stubborn they are though!

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:23 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • i wonder why it seems this has become an issue after all this time. what are his reasons for not wanting to try to work it out, or does he suggest an alternative for that? sounds to me like he is using that as an excuse instead of addressing some other problem?

    Answer by figaro8895 at 12:28 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • I have been cheated on and the only thing I can say is you have to respect his wishes. Cheating violates trust and erodes the bond between you...That said I do believe that couples can overcome infidelity yet it has to be on the terms of the person who was cheated on. He may really want out of the relationship, in which case you have to accept that but, he may just be trying to see how far you will go for your relationship. So my only true advice is that you continue working on yourself and doing everything you can for your relationship and hopefully that will give your husband the reassurance he needs to move forward. Just remember these things take time and you may never have the realtionship you once did, if you are prepared for that, fight for your man! he needs to know this wasn't his fault it was about you and now you're working on you so that you two can be together!

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 12:35 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • response to last answer: anything your partner could have done to show you he loves you? i feel like i try and i try but maybe i'm not getting the point across or doing enough?

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:43 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Honestly if you have tried therapy and have been in this marriage for 3 years, and he still can not forgive you and get past it- you prolly can't fix it. What is the sense in making him live in misery for years of marriage because he can not get over what you did to him. At least he tried. He tried to get past it, and just can't. Unless you crawl into his brain and fix his thinking of the whole situation, it is just what it is. Were you honestly worried about keeping him when you were messing around with another man? I am not judging you because your life is your life, and I would say this same thing to a man if the question was reversed. I am just tired of people cheating around and then saying "poor me, what I can do to change this?, I am such a victim". Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:51 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • It is very hard to rebuild trust when you have been cheating on. It really hurts you to the core and you are so afraid of being that vulnerable again. It is completely understandable. And I do believe it is much more difficult for a man to get over, for more reasons. The male ego is so very fragile. He feels less of a man being with you. If he can't get past it, you might have to separate. Only time will tell if he can heal and begin to trust. In the meantime you should do everything you can to make him feel like he's the man of the house (I hope you are following me). If you pity him, it will only make it worse.

    Answer by hopelessnance at 12:53 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • what do you mean man of the house?

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:54 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • i agree with the postings above. women are more likely to heal over cheating easier then men. if he isn't willing to change there is not much you can do. that sucks. so maybe it's time to just let him go. why is he even still around? is he waiting for you to give him the go ahead to leave? if that is the case then tell him to just go. there will be another man that you can love again that you won't ever cheat on and that will probably be better then what you have now.

    Answer by melody77 at 1:04 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • Once you cheat on someone, it's very hard to regain their trust. It's not very much that you can do, but try to let them come around on their own time. You don't want to push too hard because he will feel like your not respecting his space/wishes. Do what you can to show that you love him at the same time don't be too pushy. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would probably want out too if most of your relationship he was cheating. You have to try to understand where he is coming from and stop acting like it's such a simple/easy decision for him to make because it's not. Next time u will think about the consequences of your actions and whats at stake before u start acting like a player.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

  • By man of the house, I mean he needs to feel in control of his house and his woman. Most men would never "allow" his woman to sleep with another man. That power has been taken away from him. Most men can't handle that and they don't stay.

    Answer by hopelessnance at 4:33 PM on Oct. 28, 2008

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