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3 Bumps

For Birthmoms/First Moms

Do you ever think there is a situation where a BM/FM is able to make the choice to place her baby with an AP and not feel like she made the wrong decision. I've read a lot of posts from BM/FM where they say they were forced or coerced or didn't have the support they needed. Do you feel like there are BM/FM who don't fall in to any of those? I'm an AM and our sons BM/FM was 20, married to his BF, going to college, financially secure, not addicted to anything. They had decided before they got married that they never wanted children. She was on the Depo shot when she got PG and didn't know until she was 4 months, but doesn't believe in abortion anyway. She wants to be a judge, he's in the military. They decided together to place the baby. They told BF's mom of their plans, she wanted to raise the baby but they said no because she was already taking care of her daughters kids while she was deployed. So birthgrandma supported them

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Oct. 18, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (8)
  • My mother didn't feel badly, she knew she was doing what was best for me, and she was very happy with the family she chose. and so am i

    Answer by KKline at 1:16 AM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • I'm a birthmom. I wasn't coerced, or forced. I just didn't feel I was able to raise a baby on my own - I knew I wouldn't get any financial support, I knew I would have little family support. It's been 11 years, and while things have soured in the a-family in the last couple of years, I still don't regret my decision. Abortion was NOT an option either. IMO too many birthmoms regret it so soon that they make it sound like they were forced, even though they made their own decision and just decided they wanted their baby back but it was too late.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 AM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Yes, I do believe there are cases like yours. There are women who never want to have children. But they are quite rare.

    I was not coerced or forced. I was not lied to. But, I was misinformed by societies general outlook on society: that the birth mother goes on with her life and gets over it and that the baby is a blank slate and unharmed, is in fact "better off". The reason I believe this is that the birth mothers before me where not talking. They were shamed into silence. Which is why I consider it my duty and obligation to debunk these myths.


    Answer by onethentwins at 12:47 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • onethentwins - Do you feel as if adoptions have progressed to the point where not as many BM feel this way now? Do you think that BM are better informed today or do you think that there is still this strong social belief? Especially since open adoptions have become more common. As an AM, I'm aware of these myths because I feel like I've lived part of it. I want to do everything I can for my son and of course his BP in order to try and ensure that he's informed and well adjusted. Also, we would like to adopt another and our next child's BP will probably have different reasons or beliefs on why they would like to choose adoption for their child. I think it's important for me to have as much information as I can for my children and their BP. I do realize that some BM feel as if they could take it back and do it all over again, they would surely make a different choice. It's nice to hear from someone who has lived it. Thanks

    Answer by The3Vs at 4:09 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • I don't think our BM will ever feel as though she made a bad decision. She is 19, a single mom and already has one child who is 18 months old. She knows she placed the twins with a wonderful family and that was the best thing she could have done AT THE TIME

    Answer by TALuke at 10:58 AM on Oct. 20, 2010

  • I believe there are rare instances in which women relinquish for the right reasons. It is rather unusual for a mom to relinquish because she never wants to parent, but I would say that is a better reason than most. Being pressured, not offered support to parent and given dishonest information, unfortunately, still happens far too often. The moms who regret their decision most often relinquish due to temporary issues, like financial issues or other issues that usually resolve themselves, sometimes very quickly.

    The best decision is one that holds up not just for awhile, but, for a lifetime.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:26 AM on Oct. 23, 2010

  • The3Vs, no actually I don't think things have progressed that much. I think most women who relinquish now still believe their children are blank slates and that they themselves will get over it. I think that is still the societal myth. I thank you for asking and I urge you to continue to try to keep your sons adoption open as I sincerely believe it will benefit him. I truly believe openness in adoption is the only way to go, but sadly they are still only a "gentlemens agreement" and far too many of them close. Best of luck to you and your children.


    Answer by onethentwins at 3:35 AM on Oct. 23, 2010

  • As a BM I can honestly say my decision was mine and mine alone. I knew what was right for my DS and did what I felt was right and hopefully when he is older he will understand that.

    Answer by ChristianJMommy at 11:31 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

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