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How do you deal with a 21 year old who thinks everything you say is an attack on them?

My younger brother recently moved in with myself and my husband. My parents had kicked him out and he had no where to go, I, stupid me, offered to take him in. The reason he got kicked out of my parents home is due to his drinking. He was unruly, rude and dumb. He got two DWI's in CT. Then moved out here to NY with us, and got another, two days into being here. Since then we told him if he wanted to get out of jail he would have to sell us his car for the money. (to keep him off the road) He sat there for four days considering it then decided he would. He has been here for around four months now, still hasn't found a job... and its not just me that wants him to find a job, he needs one or his is up sh**ts creak with drug court and can't start it. We have agreed to have a police officer stop into our home whenever they want to make sure he is there and not drinking, which also takes away our privacy.. we cant have any CONT.

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KKline

Asked by KKline at 12:11 PM on Oct. 18, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 13 (1,291 Credits)
Answers (32)
  • alcohol in our home at all.. which means no friends over for my famous wine and cheese parties, my husband cant have beer and game night with the guys.. (which in the grand scheme of things is really no big deal...) but i mean i cant even have a glass of wine with dinner, because if they see alcohol in my home he goes back to jail, i mean hell... i cant even cook with the stuff. But we agreed to try to help him... and he acts like WE owe him something!! He treats me so badly i could just run away from home sometimes! He isn't trying hard to find a job, he just sleeps all day... doesn't do a thing we ask of him... If he had a job i would kick him out. but in the mean time.. i just need some way to make him see that we dont deserve what he is doing!!! i cant even ask him to be more quiet he will wake the baby with out it being a fight.. and when he does wake the baby he fights over how it is not his fault.. every thing is a cont
    KKline

    Comment by KKline (original poster) at 12:15 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • I have never dealt with a situation like this, but from an outsider's POV, I would say you have given him your best effort to give him a place to live. You can't do anything about the fact he wont' get off his rear-end to find a job. If it were me I'd probably give him X amount of time (probably a month or less) to find a job or at the end of the time the door locks will be changed and his stuff will be outside waiting for him. I assume you have a kid as well? He doesn't need to be acting like this in front of them.

    Again, I've never dealt with something like this. Good luck!
    mommareynolds09

    Answer by mommareynolds09 at 12:15 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Kick him out on his ass. You are enabling him. And he won't learn because he has yet to do any hard time. Let him get in trouble with the law. Don't try to reason with him.
    BradenIsMySon

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 12:16 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • fight... and i am at my witts end on how to deal with this.. he is so convinced he does nothing wrong and it is creating a hostile enviroment in my home, and i dont want my daughter exposed to that every day.. and i mean its every day. He is in a rehab program.. i would think they would give him some real counseling.. they havent... i wish he would go talk to someone.. any advice?
    KKline

    Comment by KKline (original poster) at 12:17 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • No... he did though.. he sat in jail.. he knows how much it sucks, and today he is on his way back to CT to get sentenced and is facing 30days in jail. As far as the giving him a time frame, the rehab place talked to us about being negative, and how it is detrimental to their rehabilitation. They said we need to be tolerant and supportive... He hasn't had a drink in a very long time... i don't want to jeopardize that
    KKline

    Comment by KKline (original poster) at 12:20 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Get out a piece of paper. Write down the house rules. Post them on the fridge. Let him know they will not be compromised, and that you will throw him out if the rules are not followed. Waking up your child, and disrespecting yo in your home is not okay. Do not allow it. I'm not kidding,you tell him you will call the police and let them know. You don't have to make him see anything. It's his choice, follow these rules in my home or go somewhere else. When he responds, which he will, don't engage in an argument. Simply say, I'm sorry you feel that way. And keep saying it. Stick to your guns or you will be just s in the wrong as he is! Good luck.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:23 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Your families well being comes FIRST!!! Not your brother's!!! He is a grown man. You aren't helping him by allowing him to treat you like crap and live in your home, that's enableing.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:24 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Ok i will try that thank you, but i don't feel this is enabling, his issue is drinking, which he has not done in my home since the second day here, that he listened to, and thats why he is here to get back on track.
    KKline

    Comment by KKline (original poster) at 12:27 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • I guess put a time limit on how long you want to give him if his behavior doesn't improve.
    I'm sorry this is happening to you. My baby brother of around that age got into trouble for DUIs too, I'm proud to say that he rolled up his sleeves and got himself jobs to pay for it and work his way out of the trouble.

    but he did act a lot like you are describing when he was younger-

    maybe he just needs some time to grow up and get a clue.
    in the meantime, decide how much you are willing to put up with and for how long in your own home. that is your right.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:29 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • thank you.. for your kind words.. i am glad to hear a good story, which is what i hope for..
    KKline

    Comment by KKline (original poster) at 12:31 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

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