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any i deas on how to speak firmly to your children when they do something bad

Hello, im a new user i thought id start here, My 4 yr old has this big problem with not listing etc. which i know is normal at that age and always will be, But she does things she knows shes not supposed to do, and whnever i confront her about it she doesn't tell me why she tells me "bc i wansn't supposed to".. but my thing is i get so frustrated and sometimes i think im yelling at her when honestly im just talking firm towards her, sometimes i feel bad. Is there any ideas out there how i can communicate with her without sounding mean? Because she says things after i yell or talk firmly like " mommy why aren't you happy or don't you love me"? It breaks my heart. I don't spoil her or let her get away with things, i punish her the right way i just need to know how i can communicate in ways she can understand and with me sounding like im yelling.

any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated. thanks guys!

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Asked by mumjames at 12:57 PM on Oct. 18, 2010 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 4 (31 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • We have to remember that kids are pretty smart and master manipulators. When she purposely does the opposite do you punish her in anyway to teach her that there is a bad result to her behavior? The only thing that's worked for me is taking away something he enjoys for the day...and if it keeps up he loses it for a few days or even a week. Get down to her level and tell her "If you _________ I'm taking away the TV for the rest of the day" or whatever item/thing you choose to take away. And if she does it, be firm and follow thru and take it away. They know that we give empty threats all the time like "I'm going to beat your butt if you don't stop yelling right now" They know we aren't going to beat their butts, they know they can get away with it. But if you give terms that you CAN and WILL follow thru on they'll start to learn that you mean it.

    Answer by Mom2Jack04 at 1:01 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Work hard on not raising your voice to her. It will take work and concentration, but think before you say anything, and you'll get in the habit of moderating your voice. The only time I raised my voice to my children was when they were in danger. I never made a threat that I was unwilling to carry out. I never gave them second or third chances either. Either they obeyed the first time (questioning was allowed and discussion, so it was clear why they were being asked to do or not to do) or they suffered the consequences. My theory was if I allowed them several chances, or if I did the count down thing (if you don't do it by the time I count to ten) then they realized that they could go against the rules, even if only for a few times or a few seconds- it would still be giving them permission to disobey.

    Answer by Bmat at 1:05 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • yeah i take things of hers away, and she knows whenever i make a threat i carry out on it as well, no chances in this house either lol cause they will continue to disobey. Surprisingly i do the count to 3 and you better belive she steps to it lol. Thanks i will try to work on my voice to get it monetone, it's just so hard sometimes like when im frustrated or stressed etc. I don't say hurtfull thins or anything like that. Thanks for your tips

    Comment by mumjames (original poster) at 1:13 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Here's what I do. I ask her if she wants to be a good listener. Good listeners get a bed time story, extra snuggles, etc. If she isn't a good listener, I take things away (like her favorite toys, no Nick Jr. or Disney, etc.). Usually, she starts crying and whining at this point. I tell her that if she wants any of these things back, she needs to be a good listener. If she goes an hour or so with being a good listener, she gets her toys or Disney back. If she still isn't a good listener, she doesn't get a bed time story. This works almost every time. Also mentioning that her behavior makes me very sad helps her to listen better. Good luck!!

    Answer by _Tam_ at 2:08 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Tell her you said no, and if she keeps going, pop her tush. Why do you think there is nothing but fat back there? even the bible condones spanking. I'm not saying beat her but if she associates not listening to a little sting, she'll quit.

    Answer by BigfordBrat at 3:52 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Try reading a parenting book or two. Start with Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman andRoss Campbell.

    Answer by J-M at 6:11 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • yeah my mum got me the scream free parenting book and its working out so far. lol

    Comment by mumjames (original poster) at 2:10 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

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