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My sons fiancee is very cold to us, and it's getting worse. Any helpful ideas?

They have been dating for about two years. We see them maybe every two months, since they live about 4 hours away. Since they became engaged, my son calls less often, always when he's not with her. We've always been friendly to her and tried to draw her into conversations, but nothing seems to work. I've asked several times to meet her parents, with no luck. When I ask about the wedding plans, she acts like I'm intruding. I need help here...

 
SweetLuci

Asked by SweetLuci at 3:59 PM on Oct. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 33 (61,712 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I agree with the above posts, but I also understand how you feel. My sons are 18, 21 & 28. Most of the girls they've dated seriously have been very friendly, but a couple I wasn't sure what to do....... You don't want to be a pushy or intrusive mother, but you also want to share their lives, and make the girl feel welcome.

    The last girl, I finally talked to my son, and asked what I should do to make his girlfriend feel more welcome. He did tell me that she was shy, and kind of a homebody, but that he hadn't realized it was bothering me, and that he would try to help make her more part of the family. The relationship didn't last long beyond that, so I don't know if it would have helped or not, but I think I'd try asking for your son's help. He may not even realize how you're feeling.

    Good Luck!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 4:24 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • you need to try a more aggressive approach.

    Throw a dinner party, bbq, or host something at a restaurant for everyone, including parents.

    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 4:00 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Another suggestion is the next time you get your son on the phone try and figure out her schedule and then figure out a special night for just you and her. Like me she might be terribly shy and come across as bitchy. Pedicures, a movie that she wants to see but your son doesn't, etc etc might really help

    Also keep in mind she might be very embarrassed by her parents for whatever reason and trying to hide it as long as possible. Does one drink? Curse like a sailor? Etc.
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 4:02 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • I agree with PP. I was very shy and everybody thought I was very cold. After 5 years of dating, I finally started talking to his parents. My parents don't like his parents so they never see each other. My parents even host a different birthday party for the kids so they don't have to see his family.
    ashisamom

    Answer by ashisamom at 4:11 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • Ask your son how the wedding plans are going. Tell them both you are available to help in any way. I agree that you should find out things that she likes to do and make plans to do them together. Visit their area if you don't already and ask them to show you some of their favorite restaurants, etc. Do your homework for things to do in that area if they don't come up with any ideas. Be as warm and gracious towards her as you can. I wish you all the best.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 4:29 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • THanksgivig is coming up. Tell your son that you would like to have them over. That you would also like her parents to come.
    HomeAlone45

    Answer by HomeAlone45 at 6:49 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • My advise.. dont ask the son about it and tell him its bothering you.. this could push her further away and lead to tension btw them... My husband's mom and I got along great until here recently and thats bc I got sick of his dads rude remarks so i stopped wanting to be around them ALL the time. (he ALWAYS made rude remarks and told us how to do this and how to do that.. and criticized our life etc etc) but anyway.. his mom starting talking to my hubby about it hurtin her feelings and that made him and I have tension bc i was unknowingly hurting her feelings but still it is his mom so when someone hurts her feelings they get defensive.. and then it made me have bad feelings toward her bc i looked at it as she was whining to him and so on and so on.. Talk to the girl herself... tell her that you enjoy having them around and would like it more often etc etc.. and would like to help with the wedding with CONT
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 10:10 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • anything they needed help with and would love to be apart of it.. and one thing to keep in mind.. some women feel that when they get married the husband (your son) should live his own life and not have the parents tagging along for the entire journey.. now i feel this way and it drives me crazy that his mom tries to push herself into our life.. (literally) and we HAVE to see his dad every single day (whether we like it or not) they are refusing to let him go and refusing for us to have a life of our own.. keep in mind they will be a family of their own and she may feel that keeping the distance now will help save them tension later.. but i would have been more than glad to tell his mom myself that is her husbands smart remarks every single day that drove me away from them and then her making it where it was an issue bc we werent there ALL the time that drove us further apart.. CONT
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 10:15 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

  • so now my hubby and i have issues bc his parents never ask me directly and then i have to listen to she said he said.. blah blah blah.. and complain about something I did to hurt their feelings.. but they never admit what they do wrong... some people are just raised as when you grow up.. you get out on your own and mommy and daddy are fun visits with the family. not and everyday thing.. GL some people are just different.. but dont go through him... talk to her
    Ross2010

    Answer by Ross2010 at 10:17 PM on Oct. 18, 2010

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