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My friend gave her baby up for adoption, why am I angry at her?

My best friend from high school gave her daughter up for adoption a little over a year ago. She was 25 and still with the father. I can't help but have angry feelings towards her. I feel lke she should have got her life together and taken care of her responsibilities. She was going to keep the baby until someone told her adoptive parents often give money as gifts. The way she talked about it made it sound like she was selling her baby. Don't get me wrong, the adoptive parents seem wonderful and are giving the baby a wonderful life, but I feel like with a little effort, my friend could have done the same. I have a son now and I wish we could share motherhood together. I just resent her for it even though it's none of my business. Why do I feel that way?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:58 PM on Oct. 19, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • @Anon. Poster, I do not think you are being judgemental at all. I do think you are projecting your maternal instincts onto your friend, and are quite dumbfounded as to "how" she could NOT want to parent:) I however see nothing wrong with how you feel. It would be nice to have eachother to discuss parenting with, you after all, remember her being the good friend she was in High School, and ALL she is capable of. Adoption, no matter what ANYONE says, effects many people, not just the family , but other loved ones as well. I hope you can learn more about how SHE is feeling, and still be there, for one day she just may surprise you, and decide to become a mother, and NEED you even more to help her understand her feelings of adoption, Be a great friend, and except her just as she is, thats what good friends do:) CJ

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:39 AM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • If that was her take on it, then the baby is probably better off. She sounds like she had no desire to be a mother, if that's the case then I think she did the right thing. Keeping the baby wouldn't have automatically made her a good mother if she had no desire to be one.

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 2:00 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • Well, I can see you wanting to experience motherhood WITH your best friend, and maybe you're angry at her because you could never imagine giving up your child.... However, I do believe you need to look at it from a different perspective. What is better for the child? Your friend obviously wasn't ready to be a mom. And whatever the reasons were for her giving up her daughter, the fact is that the child is now with people who desperately wanted her, and will give her the best life possible. You can't MAKE somebody be a good mother, and in this case, I think the little girl got the better end of the deal...

    Answer by Anouck at 2:01 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • Because you are judging her.......

    Answer by older at 1:59 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • The only thing I can say is that she truly didn't want the child and now a family that possibly couldn't have children now have a dream fulfilled. Try to look at it in a positive way. I understand how it would anger someone because from the way you said it it does sound like she was selling her child.

    Answer by iluvmm09 at 2:04 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • to be a good friend you have to let your feelings go. I think the only thing that would make me break up a friendship is if they murdered the baby, your friend chose to give her or him better then what they thought they could. I dont think it would be easy because you feel so strongly about it but if you want to save the friendship you have to not be judgmental.

    Answer by Luckybear05 at 2:10 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • You and most of us couldn't do this, but having said that she did the best thing for her child. Obviously she wasn't meant to be a mother at this time.


    Answer by zbee at 2:14 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • By the description you gave of her, it sounds like adoption was the best option for that baby. My husband and I are trying to adopt, and I wish more people like her would chose adoption.

    Answer by corbysmom531 at 2:17 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • I can understand your anger, I think if I felt that my friend was selling her baby I would be angry too. Placing a child for adoption is a hard decision and seeing who it could effect is difficult. I placed my son at 17 and wasn't aware of the impact it would have the two children I'm raising now. They miss a brother they will never know, and they get angry sometimes. Maybe your anger is really part of grief, maybe loosing out on a child that could be in your life, loosing the opportunity to raise your children together, seeing the pain in other people, but then in turn seeing your friends lack of emotion and her reasoning as inferior to what you'd expect. Grief/Empathy/Anger - maybe they are all part of the emotion and you're grieving in your own way. Only you will really know this, but I hope before the anger potentially ruins your friendship that you can start to forgive her.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 3:02 PM on Oct. 19, 2010

  • well if your giving a child up for money and not a better life where are her priorites? mabey she is better off with someone who is ready for that kind of responsibility!!! I gave up a son i was 19 in a abusive relationship,homeless,and doing all the wrong things I did it for him not me he deserved better than i could give him. he will be 8 in feb and is very happy they send me pics.... and now im more mature and i have my 5 month old that has everything he needs but im 27 now and those years made a big difference!!!! Besides you my not know her whole situation she must have good reason... it is a diffult decision to make... and you have to think whats better for the child!

    Answer by MichelleBabyBoy at 11:56 PM on Oct. 21, 2010