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7 Bumps

Adult, 24 year old step son still living with us

I am married and have step son, who is 24, he graduated with bachelor degree 2 year ago, since then he has been working and slowly without any motivation and drive kept sending application to Med.school. So in general he is a good kid or should I say men; But I think it is time for him to move out, at least start looking for the place to live, his father would not talk to him about it probably being afraid to ruin their relationship, so the only person left is me, and I am not his mom, I DO NOT EVEN KNOW how to approach him and talk about it nicely, do not want to be a bad step mom; and being blamed for everything after all. I really need advise may be from peopale how have gone through this. Thanks a lot.

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stepmom334

Asked by stepmom334 at 11:06 AM on Oct. 21, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (28)
  • I don't have any good advise for you!
    But I do wish you the best of luck!
    jasesmommy0529

    Answer by jasesmommy0529 at 11:09 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Lol, sounds like my step-brother. Maybe you should ask him to start paying rent and equally divide the utilities. My mom is going through this too. It really isn't up to just you, as the step parent. His father needs to be on board or it's never gonna work.
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 11:09 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Wow! I couldn't imagine living at home at the age of 24. I moved out at 17 and have been self reliant since then. I moved home at 20 b/c my apartment flooded and I lived there for just over a year and then back out on my own. I wish you luck. I would start by asking him what he wants out of his life? Also keep in mind that currently in these harsh times, families are moving in together in order to help each other out. If he really doesn't want to move then I would start by charging him a minimal amount of rent to cover the extra expenses that he helps accrue at the house as well as covering groceries.
    coala

    Answer by coala at 11:10 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Hmmm well, being 24 years old he has to have some idea that this convo would be coming his way soon. If I were you, I would approach him with the attitude of " I think it's time for you to start becoming more independant" rather then "we're ready to have you out of the house now" LOL. That way he can feel good about it, and spare everyone's relationship. Besides..... girls like guys with their own place ;0)
    At that age, the only reason I can think of that he may not want to leave home is financial reasons. You'll have to see what he says because I can not imagine that it would be easy to hold a full time job and go through med school at the same time. This is the exact reason why young adults are living with their parents for longer than they used to. Good Luck!
    Namaste17

    Answer by Namaste17 at 11:17 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Wow. I'm 23, married, two kids, been on my own since THE DAY I graduated highschool (my husband was moving my things while I was attending my last day of classes). I can't imagine still living at home with my mother. OMG.

    He probably doesn't WANT to live there... it's not fun for him. It's easy. He's probably afraid of being on his own. WHo could blame him? It's a scary thing. Talk to him about what the hold up is. Just say "Hey, your father and I have been talking and we both think you're a wonderful young man. What are your fears about moving out?"

    It allows him to open up without the "Move out" talk actually coming up.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:23 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Does he pay rent? Does he have student loans to pay off? Does he clean up his own messes, etc.? At 24, in these economic times, I don't think its that crazy that he's living at home. Is he saving money for his future? Does he have a good job or just some bs job?
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 11:26 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • Thank you for a quick response; we were not born and raised in this country and I know for my husband I mean from the prospective of his different mentality and culture it would sound redikilous asking or offering his son paying rent or participating in grocery shopping; he told me a while ago when I asked him about his son plans and eventual move out, so he told me it would happend may be by the summer of the next year, so right now he told me we are helping him paying out the car he bought and he started paying out some portion of the student loan left, all of his tuition we paid; I was suprised that some balance has been left, so he is responsible for it; By the time he finishes paying out for the car and loan he will start looking for the place to live; But I do not see any moves, like he is not doing anything, it is very comfortible living the house , not having any chores.I doubt it will happen soon...
    stepmom334

    Comment by stepmom334 (original poster) at 11:27 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • It is really up to you AND your husband. This shouldn't all be on your shoulders. I understand he doesn't want to be the bad guy, but this is something for both of you. Good Luck!!
    arenad

    Answer by arenad at 11:37 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • I agree with talking to him about his fears of moving out, to show that I am worried about him and he will open up; I THINK it does not help him staying with us at this age, there is no motivation and "character or personality growth", because it is easy, I am not his mom would not tell him straight into his face what I think, and it is convinient to him - I know him very well, better than he realizes it.
    stepmom334

    Comment by stepmom334 (original poster) at 11:37 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

  • If your husband isn't on board with motivating him to be independent, you might be in a bit of a spot. Start by asking him to help out with things - pick up a couple of groceries, throw a load of wash in, scrub out a bathroom. Be non-confrontational and just ask him if he'd mind helping you with this task here and that task there. Maybe if he gets a more hands-on view of the work needed to keep a household running, he might be more inclined to sponge less. Or, maybe your constant requests for him to work might make him less comfortable and he might start looking for his own place!

    Just keep things sweet. You do NOT want this as an issue between you and your husband.
    Dr.Donna

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 11:38 AM on Oct. 21, 2010

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