Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Am I just totally paranoid? sorry this is so long.

So in the past I know my husband has cybered with other girls online, asking them for naked pics and stuff and it kills me. A while back I asked him for his passwords and we got in a big fight about it but he finally gave them to me but he always deletes his e-mails and empties his "trash" so I still don't know what he's up to and he changed his password on myspace where I know there is a girl who is his freind that he is attracted to. Also, I was reading his e-mail this morning and saw that he got a new e-mail address. Do you think he is still talking to other girls? Also I saw an email from a girl once who saw his profile on a dating website. See my husband is a porn addict and it really bugs me but I married him because I love him but I am afraid the porn will lead to chatting and the chatting will lead to him hooking up with one of these women. Am I just paranoid?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:34 AM on Oct. 29, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • I don't think you're paranoid, I think you're being realistic. If he's adding new emails, there's likely a reason for it even if it's just for privacy. I have absolutely nothing to hide from my hubby but I wouldn't like him reading my emails (but I'm not getting them from men online either).
    I'm pretty highstrung at times, so I'd likely end up putting it in the family room so that he'd have to do whatever he's doing out in the open. Lot of women are getting those spy things on the computer, but I say if there's no trust in the relationship then you don't have much.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:42 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • I think you have every reason to suspect there's something going on. If your husband is addicted to porn, there is help available if he wants it. I wish you the best; I couldn't live like that. I'm a jealous wife and my husband knows that.
    Jessy0419

    Answer by Jessy0419 at 6:44 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • Honestly, it's just the internet. If you can't trust him to keep a line between fantasy and reality, your relationship sounds like it's in trouble anyway. If you keep invading his privacy it's likely to push him toward what you're fearing in the first place.
    xNukleopatra

    Answer by xNukleopatra at 6:49 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • There are several issues here. One, is that you don't at all trust him. That is a major issue. If you can't trust the one your with and be comfortable in your relationship, how good of a relationship is it? Who wants to live on the edge all the time waiting for something to happen? Secondly, he's not giving you a reason to trust him. I am a very trusting wife and don't at all care for my DH to look at porn. (But then again, he's not an addict and it is an occasional thing) But asking for naked pictures of girls he is speaking to is another story. I don't know if you were jealous to begin with and he decided that if he was going to be punished for crimes he didn't commit anyway he might as well enjoy them, or if your lack of trust stems from his past behavior. Either way, this is headed in one of two directions, you choice. The therapist, or the lawyer.
    mandaday

    Answer by mandaday at 7:03 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • I would talk to him about counceling and go from there. He has a problem that wont go away just by checking up on him. If he doesnt get better then maybe you two will need to seperate. I dont know your dh but if hes doing this behind your back then who knows if these relationships havent turned physical. You really need to watch out for yourself. If he is cheating thats a scary thing especially when it comes to disease and AIDS. Its horrible to think about but its reality. You are not overreacting and should def work on it or get out. Its easier said then done but if hes doing other things you're just gambling with your help. Im sorry you're dealing with this:( GL
    Steph319

    Answer by Steph319 at 7:10 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • Im probally wrong for this answer but, Id go by the old cleche' "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" meaning, give him a taste of his own medicine. You do what hes doing, make it obvious. He WILL be upset with you! guys see things differently than we do. He sees thats theres nothing wrong with his actions. That way he feels no guilt. BUT if you do it, he will be hot. Your his territory and NOT to be shared. When he complains, explain in as little of words a possible, calmly, ever so incently . "Im learning from YOU, what you so upset about?" Use his own verbatum back at him. dont argue, leave him to think, not defend! got it! You gotta learn to out think them, their little boys at heart most of the time. Arguing gets you not where, they dont listen.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:12 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • gambling with your health*** sorry for the typo!
    Steph319

    Answer by Steph319 at 7:13 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • I don't know whether or not you are paranoid, but I do understand your concern. The truth is that no matter how many times you get the password or talk to him about this, it won't make a difference. He is an addict to porn. It's just like being hooked on alcohol, drugs, or gambling. The only way he will ever stop is when he decides he wants to stop, and even then, he will probably need help. If I were you, I would seek help for myself in how to cope with this addiction.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:23 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • You are not being paranoid, I'm sorry but if your husband wasn't talking to other girls there would be no reason to get a new email address and clean out the history everytime he gets off the computer. I would confront him again and give him an ultimatum, he stops being secretive or he gets out.
    sammiesmom2000

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 8:32 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

  • You are NOT being paranoid. Yes, it sounds like your husband is a porn addict and please know this has nothing to do with you.

    Now you have a decision to make. Do you want to stay in a marriage where you have to worry about this stuff all of the time or do you want to leave and find someone who won't burden you with these things. Do you really deserve this kind of treatment from someone you love?

    The other option is treatment for porn/sex addiction. He'd really have to want to stop and there are no guarantees.

    Please put yourself first! Find a therapist and do some soul searching. I woudn't even bother checking on him because it's a waste of your time, it's hurtful and you can't change him anyway.

    Best of luck to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    pugpin

    Answer by pugpin at 8:34 AM on Oct. 29, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Relationships
Would you tell your SO?

Next question overall (Pregnancy)
Wait it out or not

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN