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3 Bumps

How would you handle this problem in your marriage / relationship?

My DH and I were really close but a lot of things have happened / changed our lives and I doubt if everything will ever be the same again. During our loving days, I had shared with him a fantasy of mine, which was being with another woman. I also shared that in college I had made out with a woman. DH now feels like I am into women, not into him anymore, will and have cheated on him (which I have never, although I almost did to get his attention after he cheated on me but thats another story). A few months ago, he told my mom all about my fantasy and about being with women and about how I am thinking about being with a woman. He did this to make me look bad, and him look good. Right now, I cant forgive him for it. I cant share any more intimate details with him and I cant be close to him or trust him. I cant forgive him. I cant even be vulnerable towards him. Its causing a drift and I just need some advice. Thx.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:28 PM on Oct. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • i think he needs to either shit or get off the pot over it, you were mature enough to open up about it and if he cant deal with it he has to either cope with it or say hey i cant do this and move on sadly
    alcnic27

    Answer by alcnic27 at 12:31 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I think that what he did was a betrayal of your trust, and I don't blame you for not wanting to share anything....how can you. I'd check into marriage counseling. I don't see how this relationship can heal without some kind of help.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:34 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • You will forgive him in time, if the two of you want to work things out.
    rain408

    Answer by rain408 at 12:35 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I obviously don't know the whole story with him cheating but I would bet that is where a lot of his distrust is coming from. He's done it so he is sure you will. Him knowing you had been with a woman before and have fantasized about being with a woman just added fuel to the fire for him. Even if you had not shared that, he would probably still be insecure. I'm sorry I don't know what I would advise though. For me, the cheating on his part would have been the end. All I can think of is for you two to talk to a therapist.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I dunno what happened in the past, but if he cheated and now you're drifting and he's accusing you of cheating/wanting to cheat and spilling your secrets, it sort of sounds like he's looking for an out. If not on a conscious level then at least sub consciously. Whether it's because he wants to move on or feels like he's not good enough anymore or whatever.
    Try to talk to him. I mean really talk! Sit down, tv off, no distractions and talk. If not...
    Counseling is always advised because you don't want to just see couples split... but maybe if counseling isn't an option and you truly have nothing else to do, it is time...
    GL
    xoxo
    MayMommaToBe

    Answer by MayMommaToBe at 12:35 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • You are preaching to the chior after tn years of him telling my mom how bad I am I am leaving I tried to deal with it but he thinks I do not know he talks to my mom still behind my back. I would try therapy if we had not already. I wish I had some real advice but maybe therapy will help. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:35 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Honestly, your husband is being a (pardon my language) douche. You shared a fantasy with him, big deal. You have given him NO reason to mistrust you, while he was actually the one who cheated on YOU! It sounds like he's trying to deflect his own feelings of insecurity and guilt on you, and that's not right. And talking about your fantasies with your mom, really??? That's just low...

    I agree with alcnic27, you need to tell him what this has done to you, and how betrayed you feel by him. If you can't talk about this openly on your own, maybe you should seek some couples therapy. If he's not willing to do this, I'm not sure how this relationship can survive, to be honest. You need trust in a relationship.
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 12:36 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Hi! Your situation is one that sounds very frustrating but nothing is impossible to overcome. Sometimes, a woman has to be the one to swallow her pride even if she is not wrong. This is more difficult for men. I am an advocate of people making their marriage work because marriage is an institution of God that should be taken very seriously. Trust is important in marriage and that has been violated by you both. In order to move on, someone has to open the lines of communication and apologize. True love involves loving a person even when they hurt you or are not deserving of love in your eyes.
    InsightfulOne

    Answer by InsightfulOne at 12:38 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • That was a huge breach of trust on his part.....Not to mention the fact that he cheated.....he has shown himself to be unworthy of your trust....if he wants to be trusted again HE has some work to do in the change department....it is up to HIM to be trustworthy and rebuild that trust and it takes many years of actually being trustworthy.....You are right not to be vulnerable with him.....protect yourself....and you are right, it will never be the same again.....BUT IF HE DOES THE WORK, you can in a few years rebuild to something good....
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 12:42 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I'll put myself in your shoes . First, he cheated on you. That would be a breaker right there. However, you clearly forgave him and moved on. Now he's using your fantasy against you and trying to smear your name across your family. That's another breaker. There isn't any respect in that or love, and he's clearly doing it to hurt you. Whether it's from a guilty conscience or just simply being a jackass, he's not being respectful in any way. I really think you should sit back and evaluate your marriage and ask yourself "After all of what has happened is he worth it anymore?" Because from where I stand he has proven numerous times that he cannot be loyal, trustworthy, or faithful to you. That to me is a deal breaker, because without those you have absolutely no foundation left in that marriage.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 1:00 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

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