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if you come to a point where you realize that the things that need to change never will what do you do?

there are just a few things that are really very important to me. he just doesnt seem to care that they are important. i have ocme to the realization that it will not change. weve been married for just over 2 years, together almost 4. he changed briefly for about 6 months before we got married but it didnt take long for him to go back to how he was. is it time to just be done or should i give it more time? i just dont want to feel like i wasted my life for someone who doesnt care! what would you do?


Asked by Anonymous at 2:26 PM on Oct. 22, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • Sound like my life right now. Need a friend contact me. Hugsssss

    Answer by Lisa_Lynn at 3:45 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Honestly, if these are issues that are non-negotiable to you, and he's not willing to work on them at all, I say move on. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. For 8 years I begged him to stop, I would pour out his alcohol, I made him go to AA meetings, we did counseling... But HE wasn't willing to change. So I left. Best thing I've ever done for myself.

    Answer by Anouck at 2:37 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • i had the same problem. i just accepted it. it's not as easy as it seems. but that's what it'll come down to. you'll either have to accept him for how he is or leave. people usually don't change, and sometimes change isn't permanent.

    Answer by rAbella at 2:39 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • You compromise. Marriage is about making sacrifices. You don't marry someone to change who they are. You marry them because you love them no matter what. He should respect that those things are important to you but you should also realize that if he didn't care about them in the two years you were together before marriage it's not going to change now. All in all you should really tell him how you feel.

    Answer by 2kidsandtired at 2:29 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Marriage doesn't automatically change people. IF he was doing those things before you were married and you weren't ok with it, and weren't willing to compromise on them, then you shouldn't have married him. You can't marry a man and expect to change him, its not fair to either of you. You need to either accept him for who he is, and work around it, or leave. Nagging him about changing won't work.

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 2:55 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • In your situation it is best that you take the kids and leave. In any situation if an individual doesn't want to change then no matter what anyone else does that change won't happen. Even if they promise, swear, or show some improvement it won't happen unless they want to. Either way, in your situation I would suggest leaving him, because one day he could come home and it's going to be you who's knocked out. There could become a situation where something serious happens and it's better to leave before that comes to call. There is a breaking point for everyone when if things don't change they need to leave. And I see that you have come to that point, ontop of realizing that his behavior is dangerous and unpredictable. Not a good environment for you or your children, so please for the safety of everyone leave the situation.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 2:56 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • If you thought marriage would change him, you are very wrong. When you take on a lifelong partner, you have to ask yourself, if his current status is something you could live with for the rest of your life....getting married, will not make a boy into a man, just like it won't change a girl into a woman...and surely as you can tell by now, he will not stop acting like an immature person because he's made a lifelong comittment with this man, either deal with him or get out of the marriage but understand that he will not change because you married him!

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 3:23 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • 4 years is alot of waiting.. He must want to change before it will happen.. I say move on.. If you can't except the person you are with just the way they are... Don't get married..

    Answer by midnightmoma at 2:29 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • OP::these are things that marriage itself shoudl have changed. like how he can blow his paycheck in 2 days and have nothing to show.... or how he can stay out till 3-4 am dirnking with his buddies, or how he thinks its ok to tell me hes going to one place and end up somewhere very different or how he drinks whisky even though he know he has violent blackouts.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:34 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Sorry OP, marriage doesn't change those things.. growing up does, and some are not as ready as others :( Some are never ready to give those things up..

    Answer by midnightmoma at 2:37 PM on Oct. 22, 2010