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8 Bumps

How involved should you be with step-kids?

How involved do you think a bio dad and step-mom should be with step-kids? Is there a point where we are intruding on the bio mom's territory?

My step-son is in 1st grade & is getting into physical fights & is physical with his bio mom. He doesn't act like this with us. Bio mom asked for our help last wknd, but doesn't want us coming to meetings at school. She does want our help on the weekends we have him (like carrying out punishments that she can't enforce at her home), & we did this past wknd.

Am I going too far if I contact the school without her consent? Should we look into full custody for a few months? Should I offer her parenting advice & be straight with her, or is that stepping over the line? She calls constantly, but seems to want to vent & give excuses. I don't want to make her mad but what is in the best intrest of my step-son?

How far is too far? Is there a such thing as being too involved?

Answer Question

Asked by Emeraldmama7 at 5:31 PM on Oct. 22, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 4 (56 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • The biological father has every right to be at all school meetings & anything else in the child's life that he would normally attend if they were still together. Sounds like dad needs to step in & teach this young man how to act like a proper young man. She cant ask for help, then place limits on it. It takes a village!

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:35 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • FYI, there is no way you'll get full custody just because he is mishbehaving at his moms. You'll have to prove she smokes crack or something of the like in order to get custody changed.

    I would call the school & talk to them myself. You have a right to be involved. You can always talk to the teacher & ask her to keep your meetings confidential because the bio mom will feel as if her territory has been walked on. Most teachers understand these situations, they see this all the time & deal with lots of extended family members.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:45 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Does your husband have any custody rights with your SS? If so, I so encourage him to stay involved it's his right as a father. when my daughter (SD) was younger bio mom would not communicate with my husband about anything going on in school, my husband always stayed in touch with her teachers and did separate parent-teacher conferences. I am very involved in everythign that has to do with my SD, i've helped my husband raise her since she was 2 1/2 (she's almost 14). I think you need to sit down with bio mom both you and your DH and find out exactly what she expects from you both but also have your DH explain to her that he will also stay involved with what's going on with his son. I don't think it's right that she asks for help with your SS and then ask you guys not to attent or contact the school with concerns. Good luck!

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 5:49 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • -The father has EVERY right to be at school meetings that involve his son.
    -He also has the right to dicipline his son the way he chooses while his son is at his house.
    -Love a step child as if the child is your own.
    -The bio-mom needs to know that it takes two people to make a child and that all the decisions are not hers in regards to the child.
    -Don't try to get custody from her unless she is abusing him, neglecting him, or doing drugs. Some kids are just handfuls and you need to support her and work together to raise this child.
    -Good Luck

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 6:17 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • The child biological father has EVERY right that contains SCHOOL, DOCTORS and MEDICAL RECORDS, and RELIGION...if you guys do not have a court oder in file then you should cuz that court will make his right be heard and then he is able to do his share...I am a step-mother to my husbands daughter and i have a GREAT relationship with the mom of my s-daughter...I think if you have a good relationship with the babies mom it will help you be able to talk to her...BEST OF LUCK MAMA


    Answer by iNk-FrEaK at 8:23 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • If she wants your help because he's getting into fights at school then I would tell her that I wanted to talk to teachers and counselors to try and get down to the bottom of the problem. If she refuses which she does'nt have the right to since your husband is thedad. I'd tell her to handle he problem herself. As far as punishment always being at your house for conseqences of something he's doin at her house I would say no, you punish him for what he does at your house and we'll punish him if he does something at my house.

    Answer by Momabear455 at 9:07 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • depends on if step kid lives with you , how they feel about you.

    Answer by letstalk747 at 10:20 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Tell her you can't do much unless she let's you go to the school meetings and getting involved in to help figure out what is wrong. It's funny that he acts different with you and dad and differently with his Bio mom. There's got to be a reason, you need to find out what it is. It's also not right for you to enforce the punishments that she gives out to her son. If should be done in her presence, not your. Since he did wrong at her house, that is where the punishment should be. If he does something at your house, you should do the same. She needs to show him who is the boss.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:14 AM on Oct. 23, 2010

  • They should be treated as if they are your own! ALL of the adults need to be on the same page regarding discipline--it's most likely the inconsistencies (follow up, follow through, ultimatums, etc) that are leading to your son acting out! He's looking for structure and consistency--and in school he will get that consistency being the "bad kid!"

    IMO, your son needs to see a child psychologist to address anger management issues. Bouncing from house to house and varying expectations is very confusing for a young child to process. Could your son be frustrated over an undiagnosed learning disability or hearing/vision problem? Usually physical outbursts at a young age are due to a abuse, neglect, or a medical problem.

    Answer by LoriKeet at 10:01 AM on Oct. 23, 2010

  • If she only wants help when it is convenient for her than tell her NO WAY!!

    Answer by matthewscandi at 3:01 PM on Oct. 23, 2010

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