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2 Bumps

Which discipine is right?

I'm just going to be honest with you ladies....Ive never claimed to be perfect, I just want what's best for my kids. I have a 4 yr old and a 3 y old and they DO NOT LISTEN to me! I've tried to set up consequences for misbehavior, but my kids (especially my son) will throw themselves to the ground screaming the second they don't get their way. If I do a time out, they whine or cry the whole time...if I send them to their room, they trash it...if I take away toys, they joyfuly help me box them up. They don't seem to recognize my authoity at all, so lately I've been losing my temper, yelling and spanking, and that doesn't do anything either! Our reward chart is useless and I'm gettng SO tired of being a SAHM! I'm a college-educated woman, and I can't contol 2 preschoolers!!!I know some of you have gone though this... How did you handle it?
-Exhausted

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:37 PM on Oct. 22, 2010 in Preschoolers (3-4)

This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • Well besides toys have you taken away something larger? Like NO tv for 2 hours for the first offence (a day if it escalades), or take away a planned trip to the park. When warning them or asking them to not do somehting do you get down on your knee at their level?

    As far as if they have a tantrum, the best solution there s to walk away and 100% ignore the behavior. They know it gets to you and gets your attention and reaction, even if it's negative, they got you. Walk away without a word.

    If you are going to do something like a time out or send them to their room have ZERO distractions. Even if that means boxing up every toy, book, everything in their room and taking it away go for it.....or whatever they throw around or trash, leave it lie that and tell them THEY have to clean it, even if it stays that way for a day or two.
    Mom2Jack04

    Answer by Mom2Jack04 at 5:47 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • My son who is now 19 could've made a preacher cuss when he was that age. I know it wears you down. It sounds like you are being consistent & doing the right things. I cant believe the behavior chart didn't work. Were there rewards & consequences w/ it? Whining while in time out is normal. Ignore it as long as they stay in time out. If they get out, the timer gets reset. If all else fails, call Super Nanny! :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:45 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I think the reward chart didn't/doesnt work because I couldn't come up with good rewards and/or consequences. We tried making candy a reward for having a full chart at the end of the day, but when the candy runs out I'm screwed, plus candy makes them hyper. My MIL gets them to listen effortlessly, which makes me feel like an idiot.
    brandyj

    Answer by brandyj at 5:52 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • hmm...guess I just un-anonimized myself..lol, oh well.
    brandyj

    Answer by brandyj at 5:54 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • The reality of very young children is that they are all WILL.
    We have 3 factors to our psyche - thinking, feeling and will. The Will predominates during the first 7 years, the feeling life during the 7th to 14th years, and the thinking comes more to the fore in a healthy 13- to 21-year-old.

    OK, fine. Nice categorizing, but - so what?

    A baby starts of with the Will, because the will is not only a way that he relates to things, it is also the principle which is creating all that astronomical GROWTH which is going on during those first years. The brain and the body are growing incredibly, and AT THE SAME TIME the child is having to figure out the world.

    Watch the child doing this: he sees his mother's face and responds. Everything she says or does is deeply absorbed into his nature as he LEARNS. That's why a child's gestures, and child's way of walking, etc. will be a close copy of his parents.

    A young child (cont'd)
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 6:00 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • (cont'd)
    A young child lives into the world entirely through imitation. And there's your "gimmick" !

    No discipline is needed ! Just lead them by imitation ! You already mentioned how delighted they are to join in with you to do something. THAT'S your key !! If you want them to do something, do not TALK about it - DO it !

    You don't want to push against their natural will-nature, because it is super-important to keep that free-flowing so that they can be healthy in body and mind. So ... work WITH IT !

    It requires forethought and care to always make your behavior be what you want them to imitate. For instance, you cannot bounce a ball against a wall, and then get mad if they throw something damaging against a wall. You cannot kick a ball and then get mad if they kick something they "should" not kick. Even if you lecture them endlessly, their Will is simply repeating the gesture which YOU have planted for imitation ..
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 6:07 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • (cont'd) Dismiss from your toolbag of parenting any idea of "teaching" your kids to do stuff differently from how they see you or others doing things.
    Imitation is everything.
    Talking, scolding is just emotional pressure. And, frankly, to stay healthy a child MUST resist such a damaging tactic being used by someone as deeply important to them as their parent. Emotional pressure is the opposite of support. And time-outs are in fact formalized rejection. We as parents may understand the connection between the behavior and being put out in to the cold of aloneness and the beloved parent's acceptance, but children really do not. If time outs appear to teach self-discipline to children younger than 6, what they actually are learning is to be increasingly watchful for the parent's inexplicable moods, and to freeze with fear if it looks like the parent is getting ready to notice what they are doing, and then to reprimand them.
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 6:25 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • This teaches a child to be cautious, and to practice self-preservation. The more intensely the parent gets angry, the more secretive and covert the child is forced to become.

    I could go on and on about the convoluted consequences of ignoring the reality and benefit of a child's imitative nature.

    Great. Now you've heard a lot of what NOT to do. So what DOES work?

    A beaming, sunny atmosphere is what works ! You know how we talk to a kitten or to an infant - that crooning, lilting, sweet voice we use? ... THAT WORKS !!

    Yes, you do have to stay ahead of the flow in order to keep things light - don't wait until everybody's hungry to serve some food. With their bodies growing at such a prodigious rate, they go from hungry to FAMISHED in about 10 minutes, and the pain of being famished will make the sweetest child scream.

    Plan the day around their needs. Create routines for all the parts of the day so that they (cont'
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 6:33 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • (cont'd) As you can tell, mothering for a happy household takes skill, intelligence and intensive focus. In fact, you will need every bit of the mental strength and determination which you acquired as you handled college-level classes !

    I was lucky that I came into the possession of certain books, and knowledge from some master-mothers, so my years of mothering children born in 1978, 1979, and 1987 were joyful. They were HARD WORK - I was frequently asleep minutes after my first two (they were nearly twins !). We settled down the household to allow them to get relaxed, we had a ritual for getting ready for bed, then lights out and a candle lit, then hearing a story which I either told or read to them, then a child's prayer, then I sang lullabies. And still sometimes they were too wired from an exciting afternoon to drift quickly off to sleep, or they had not had enough time out in nature during the day ... (cont'd)
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 6:52 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • i would also add give them TONS of choices. Say you have two choices, "put on yourshoes or we are not going to the park. it's YOUR choice." Let them choose the mindless things as well; clothes, foods, drinks, plates, shoes etc. Choices give them a sense of control even though the are choices that make you happy. Another choice I give my DS (2 1/2) is at nap time you can choose to either sleep or read a book quietly. We were going through a stage of no napping and trashing the room. So I offered the CHOICE and it seemed to work. Does this make sense?
    coolchic320

    Answer by coolchic320 at 9:01 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

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