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I know it's stupid, but how can I let go of this?

First, my DF is a flirt. I love this about him, and I enjoy knowing that he's attractive. About 2 years ago, he was texting innapropriate things to a girl in our class. He realized this had gone way too far, and came clean. I was hurt, but glad he'd told me. We moved on. 6 months later, DF's phone was going off constantly, and my lady senses tingled. Please don't judge, I checked his phone. Nasty pictures from her to him, and innappropriate comments on both sides, but I know they never even kissed because they talked about it in the texts. I confronted him, and proceeded to basically tear his bedroom apart. I found a letter DF'd written her (it was dated 2 weeks before this, he said he thought better of it) where he said he'd never loved anyone but our daughter and wanted to be with this girl physically. I blew up, he kept apologizing, and eventually I mostly got over it.

 
KA91

Asked by KA91 at 9:25 PM on Oct. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Level 25 (22,129 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • once trust is broken ..it is NEVER 100% again
    even if things are great, and he is open with you etc, 99% is not 100%
    and the best indication of future behavoir is past behavior, so of course you doubt him in stressful times

    very natural!

    good luck
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:55 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I have never been cheated on, (that I know of) and I'm one who always says I would leave if it ever happened. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to let that go, I think you're already doing a great job and not giving yourself enough credit. I'v eheard Dr. Phil say that the cheater has to let the spouse be angry for as long as she needs to be. Sounds like HIS problem to me. Good luck!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 10:48 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I`m so sorry! I`ve been through a situation almost exactly like that. It is really, really hard and you probably will never get completely past it. It hurts so badly to be betrayed by someone you are supposed to trust completely. Talk about it and make sure he knows how much it really hurt you- even if it is years later...do it. Make sure you know he really is sorry and wants things to work with you. If he is, try to focus on the good things about him, the things he does for you and the reasons why you are with him.
    bb510

    Answer by bb510 at 9:33 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • It is a big deal even if nothing physical happened. It was hidden from you and that really hurts. Think about getting counseling. Couples counseling would be great, but even going on your own would help. It has been 4 years since my "big hurt" and I still have the random thoughts of the past pop into my brain. Yes, it still hurts.
    bb510

    Answer by bb510 at 9:41 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • well im sorries or not he is sooner or later gonna cheat on u its only gonna tae some other cute little thing to get his pants tingeling and hes gonna do it again trust me
    kimmi85035

    Answer by kimmi85035 at 11:12 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • He hasn't spoken to this girl, or any otherl ike her, since then. Again please don't judge, but I kept a close eye on him for a LONG TIME. He has almost completely earned back my trust. My problem is, whenever I get upset at DF over anything, this incident creeps back into my head. I end up angrier than I need to be, and it's like someone poked a bruise, hard. I also worry about where he is if he sounds the least little bit shady. So my question, ladies, is how do I let go of this? It's just causing me unnecessary pain. Also, do you think maybe I overreacted to the whole thing, since they didn't even kiss? I just went with what I felt, but I'd like your opinions. Thanks!
    KA91

    Comment by KA91 (original poster) at 9:30 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • not stupid at all!! i just dont know how to answer! If it had been me i would have left him!! But dont listen to me i have had bad realtionships and dont get walked on anymore!!!
    MommyofHDPnPCP

    Answer by MommyofHDPnPCP at 9:30 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • Zoloft helps me get over my DH's incidents that keep popping up in my head constantly. I feel for you.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 9:33 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • srry that was a lil premature i just read the last part you added!! Even if they didnt even kiss its still the want and if you didnt stop it when you did it might have led to it!
    MommyofHDPnPCP

    Answer by MommyofHDPnPCP at 9:34 PM on Oct. 22, 2010

  • I can't help you either. sorry. Sounds to me like you will find out he is cheating again soon. See I do not think it is right that you think you have to keep an eye on him. If you can not trust him. The relationship is doomed to fail. You need to trust him again. I would have droped him.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:37 PM on Oct. 22, 2010